The entire premises of CowShlt Inc have been buzzing with last minute touch-ups for their Halloween bash tonight.
“This is going to be the greatest party of the century!” declares Mr Gu Sai, CEO of CowShlt Inc. “This Halloween party not only allows all staffs to let their hair down - literally, but also promotes cohesiveness among all departments!”
It is understood that each department in CowShlt Inc is to dress up their manager as a Halloween figure that will “scare the hell out of themselves”.
“By making them become what they are most afraid of," explains Mr Gu Sai, "I am actually helping them combat their greatest fear. As a prime example myself, I will be dressing up as a 12-inch Subway’s sandwich, being kar-char into halves, with the white mayonnaise flowing out constantly without control!”
“I am very confident of being the most frightful figure tonight,” beams Mr Saab Prime, the Finance Department Manager. “My deputy and I will be dressed as the Lehman Brothers while all my staffs will harass staffs from other departments into buying high risk investment scheme disguise as fixed deposit product. Hell! I even have props! Look at this stock market chart and my downward pointing arrow! Do they send a chill down your spine?”
“Cutting operating cost has always been our core objective,” says Mr Kee Gei Leow, the Maintenance Department Manager. “With this thought in mind, we are using only recycled materials as props. My staffs have kindly donated many of their children’s angpow packets to dress me into a giant red colour SP Power bill. And you know what will strike the most fear? Look at this statement printed in bold – 21% INCREASE FROM OCTOBER 2008. Ask you scare or not!”
“I have enough reasons to believe my dress up is the most elaborate,” says Mr Peh En Paye, the Delivery Department Manager. “I will be totally wrapped in sheetmetal with a electronic display board. And to fit into this costume, I have to bend myself over, resulting in such a vulnerable position. Then my staffs who are dressed in white will come and screw me from behind, but all I can say is Beep Beep Beep! You guessed it right! I’m dressed as the f***ing ERP gantry!”
“Sadly to say,” sighs Ms Lee Trenchman, the Human Resource Department Manager, “I will be transformed into the most hideous creature on Earth tonight. Most people see HR staffs as people who just dress up nicely and forever having tea breaks. To counter this misconception, I will be as ugly as possible and hand out free snacks for all tonight instead. The snack will be what I’m dressed as – fried cuttlefish.”
And as usual, the seven Personal Assistants of Mr Gu Sai are putting up an united front for the bash. “We sisters are so alike to the extent of even having the same fear,” echo BCCCCR+Y in unison. “Our dress up for tonight’s Halloween bash is extremely simple. Just a simple uniformed colour gown with two pink stripes across our slim waists. What are we? We are a pregnancy test kit tested positive!”
Friday, October 31, 2008
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
CowShlt Inc Launches All Inclusive Wedding Preparation Course
The market is abuzz today with the launch of a totally new wedding preparation course by the world renowned CowShlt Inc, the One-stop Nuptial Study (ONS).
“This is an entirely new concept in the wedding industry,” declares Mr Gu Sai, CEO of CowShlt Inc. “ONS will prepare you for all aspects of your marriage lives. Unlike conventional wedding preparation courses which only help you in managing marital expectations, ONS takes a deeper stance on marriage, from beginning to the end.”
It was understood that ONS teaches the following modules to its students.
1. Looking Pretty and Catching Your Desired Birdy
To be a blissful bride, you must be at your prettiest during your wedding. And even though it was widely believed that marriage is a gamble, ONS believes that choosing your husband shouldn’t be one.
“I always like to say that the biggest bird may not be the strongest,” says Ms bEll, the course instructor and personal assistant to Mr Gu Sai. “The catch is knowing what bird you really want and how to catch the right bird. And if you are pretty like me, all birds flock to you literally.”
2. Shopping for the Right Wedding Stuffs
From the wedding gown, to the floral arrangements, to the wedding dinner door gifts, there are thousands of items to purchase. While other wedding planners have the tendency to burn a hole in your pocket, ONS teaches you how to save, save, save.
“Finding bargain has always been my forte,” declares Ms Cammy, the course instructor and personal assistant to Mr Gu Sai. “From China to America to Antarctica, you name it, I spree it! And if your spree exceeds $50000, we will throw in 2 bottles of Pokka Honeysuckle White Tea, absolutely free! Huh? Your husband has G6PD Deficiency huh? Then our CEO will drink them on his behalf loh!”
3. How to Do Housework with Charm
Marriage is a bed of roses, only that this bed requires to be made in the morning. ONS firmly believes one does not need to be relegated to the realm of 黄脸婆 when managing the house. In fact, you can look really charming while dusting off in your chambermaid outfit.
“Just look at how pinky my face is,” says Ms Charmed, the course instructor and personal assistant to Mr Gu Sai. “Chambermaid has always been the ultimate sexual fantasy of all men, so there must be something sensual about doing housework. The moaning and sweat from being all exhausted……. Now, if you will excuse me, I need to get into my CEO’s office and climb up the ladder to retrieve a book from the top shelf.”
4. Get Daring, Spice It Up!
What is food without spices and what is marriage without sex? ONS teaches you how to blend the two together seamlessly.
“Ever wondered why spices and sex both start with S?” muses Ms CowBoo, the course instructor and personal assistant to Mr Gu Sai. “It’s because they complement each other perfectly. Men always like their women hot right? ONS teaches you the perfect usage of chilli padi! No, it’s not the leftover chilli padi from CowShlt Inc Childcare Centre. Too hot? Then cool down with our extra large cucumber, guaranteed to give you the most juice and satisfaction….”
5. A Legal Approach to the Big D
Starting a race is always easy but ending it with stamina is a different story. To be a truly inclusive wedding preparation course, ONS also teaches you how to end the marriage amicably.
“Most women divorce because they feel squeezed by their marriage,” explains Ms Yazzy, the course instructor and personal assistant to Mr Gu Sai. “So when the marriage is finally over, we will teach you how to turn the table around and squeeze the hell out from your husband instead! My personal favourite is taking him for a skydiving trip without the parachute.”
6. Chasing After Delayed Alimony
Some men can be damn chao kuan, ONS fully endorse this view. So what shall you do if your ex-husband refuse to pay your rightful alimony?
“Scare the hell out of the bugger lah!” exclaim Ms Casper, the course instructor and personal assistant to Mr Gu Sai. “I was born one day after Halloween in Singapore, but at that very hour, it was Halloween at its best in America! Being a local born Angmoh Gui, I will teach you how to customize your scaring tactic according to your tradition belief!”
“As so you can see,” gleams Mr Gu Sai, “ONS really equips you with the necessary skill to manage your marriage in all stages. However, one important aspect is when to execute what you have learnt in ONS. Timing is very important. As such, allow me to introduce to you my most newly acquired personal assistant, Ms Rolex. She will teach you how to time action zhun zhun. Otherwise, you release the pontinak to chase after your alimony in the daytime then how? Huh? No worry lah! This Rolex is definitely not from Bangkok pasar malam. Just look at her figure, mann! Isn’t it the best evidence that she was acquired from Hourglass instead?”
Application for ONS is officially open. Interested applicant, please call 1800-COWSHIT. Idobaby members get a special discount by stating their nickname during application.
“This is an entirely new concept in the wedding industry,” declares Mr Gu Sai, CEO of CowShlt Inc. “ONS will prepare you for all aspects of your marriage lives. Unlike conventional wedding preparation courses which only help you in managing marital expectations, ONS takes a deeper stance on marriage, from beginning to the end.”
It was understood that ONS teaches the following modules to its students.
1. Looking Pretty and Catching Your Desired Birdy
To be a blissful bride, you must be at your prettiest during your wedding. And even though it was widely believed that marriage is a gamble, ONS believes that choosing your husband shouldn’t be one.
“I always like to say that the biggest bird may not be the strongest,” says Ms bEll, the course instructor and personal assistant to Mr Gu Sai. “The catch is knowing what bird you really want and how to catch the right bird. And if you are pretty like me, all birds flock to you literally.”
2. Shopping for the Right Wedding Stuffs
From the wedding gown, to the floral arrangements, to the wedding dinner door gifts, there are thousands of items to purchase. While other wedding planners have the tendency to burn a hole in your pocket, ONS teaches you how to save, save, save.
“Finding bargain has always been my forte,” declares Ms Cammy, the course instructor and personal assistant to Mr Gu Sai. “From China to America to Antarctica, you name it, I spree it! And if your spree exceeds $50000, we will throw in 2 bottles of Pokka Honeysuckle White Tea, absolutely free! Huh? Your husband has G6PD Deficiency huh? Then our CEO will drink them on his behalf loh!”
3. How to Do Housework with Charm
Marriage is a bed of roses, only that this bed requires to be made in the morning. ONS firmly believes one does not need to be relegated to the realm of 黄脸婆 when managing the house. In fact, you can look really charming while dusting off in your chambermaid outfit.
“Just look at how pinky my face is,” says Ms Charmed, the course instructor and personal assistant to Mr Gu Sai. “Chambermaid has always been the ultimate sexual fantasy of all men, so there must be something sensual about doing housework. The moaning and sweat from being all exhausted……. Now, if you will excuse me, I need to get into my CEO’s office and climb up the ladder to retrieve a book from the top shelf.”
4. Get Daring, Spice It Up!
What is food without spices and what is marriage without sex? ONS teaches you how to blend the two together seamlessly.
“Ever wondered why spices and sex both start with S?” muses Ms CowBoo, the course instructor and personal assistant to Mr Gu Sai. “It’s because they complement each other perfectly. Men always like their women hot right? ONS teaches you the perfect usage of chilli padi! No, it’s not the leftover chilli padi from CowShlt Inc Childcare Centre. Too hot? Then cool down with our extra large cucumber, guaranteed to give you the most juice and satisfaction….”
5. A Legal Approach to the Big D
Starting a race is always easy but ending it with stamina is a different story. To be a truly inclusive wedding preparation course, ONS also teaches you how to end the marriage amicably.
“Most women divorce because they feel squeezed by their marriage,” explains Ms Yazzy, the course instructor and personal assistant to Mr Gu Sai. “So when the marriage is finally over, we will teach you how to turn the table around and squeeze the hell out from your husband instead! My personal favourite is taking him for a skydiving trip without the parachute.”
6. Chasing After Delayed Alimony
Some men can be damn chao kuan, ONS fully endorse this view. So what shall you do if your ex-husband refuse to pay your rightful alimony?
“Scare the hell out of the bugger lah!” exclaim Ms Casper, the course instructor and personal assistant to Mr Gu Sai. “I was born one day after Halloween in Singapore, but at that very hour, it was Halloween at its best in America! Being a local born Angmoh Gui, I will teach you how to customize your scaring tactic according to your tradition belief!”
“As so you can see,” gleams Mr Gu Sai, “ONS really equips you with the necessary skill to manage your marriage in all stages. However, one important aspect is when to execute what you have learnt in ONS. Timing is very important. As such, allow me to introduce to you my most newly acquired personal assistant, Ms Rolex. She will teach you how to time action zhun zhun. Otherwise, you release the pontinak to chase after your alimony in the daytime then how? Huh? No worry lah! This Rolex is definitely not from Bangkok pasar malam. Just look at her figure, mann! Isn’t it the best evidence that she was acquired from Hourglass instead?”
Application for ONS is officially open. Interested applicant, please call 1800-COWSHIT. Idobaby members get a special discount by stating their nickname during application.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
CowShlt Inc CEO Allows Foreign Employees to Use Common Toilets in Level 3
Despite many protest from the white collared workers in CowShlt Inc, its CEO, Mr Gu Sai, has given the green light for foreign employees working on Level 2 and below to use the common toilets situated at Level 3.
CowShlt Inc office building has a total of 5 levels. It is understood that the top floor, Level 5, is occupied by its CEO, Mr Gu Sai, and his 6 executive secretaries code-named BCCCC+Y. All departmental managers with monthly income of more than $8000 are housed at Level 4. Level 3 is occupied by the executives while Levels 2 and 1 comprise the non-executives. Foreign workers who are Caucasians are automatically housed at Level 4 regardless of their abilities. Foreign workers who came from countries with standards of living lower than Singapore are banished to Level 1.
With tremendous expansion, CowShlt Inc resorted to recruiting large numbers of workers from developing countries. As such, the toilet facilities in Level 1 become inevitably insufficient. One idea brought up that time was to convert an unused toilet in Level 3 into a common toilet for the foreign workers. This suggestion, however, was met with strong resistance, especially from staffs at Level 3.
“How can such an idea be accepted?” wails Mr Silingong bin Gardun. “We are executives while they are lowly workers. They do not deserve to step on to Level 3 at all!”
“Level 3 is already so crowded, given the existence of the pantry,” concurs Mr Chin Hao Lian. “With those workers from Level 1 crowding our corridor, how are we going to around without coming in contact with their dirty bodies? Don’t forget that we executives at Level 3 have our bums as big as our egos!”
“And you know what?” chips in Mr Prop Per Tee. “The health product which I normally sell for an exorbitant price will now suffer a drop in value due to image loss! Imagine me having my angmoh customers visiting my showroom just to associate my products with those lowly people!”
To appease the anger of Level 3 staffs, Mr Gu Sai has announced that a special passageway will be built specially for the Level 1 people to access the common toilet.
“We will build a ladder behind the building for the Level 1 staffs to access the toilet,” explains Mr Gu Sai. “And after they have completed their business, they will slide down using this shiny fireman pole, build entirely on chrome. Don’t look down on these two items OK? They cost a hefty $2m hor! As for the pantry at Level 3, it will be visible to the Level 1 people, but they lan lan, can see but cannot touch.”
When commented that this move doesn’t seem humane, Mr Gu Sai replies, “What? You mean the Level 1 staffs are actually human? From the response of the Level 3 staffs, I thought we actually employed monkeys! Darn! So what should I do with the truckloads of peanuts I just bought to be used as salary for the Level 1 staffs?”
On a separate note, Mr Gu Sai announces that whoever caught napping in the toilets will be fined $200 for “misuse of common properties”.
CowShlt Inc office building has a total of 5 levels. It is understood that the top floor, Level 5, is occupied by its CEO, Mr Gu Sai, and his 6 executive secretaries code-named BCCCC+Y. All departmental managers with monthly income of more than $8000 are housed at Level 4. Level 3 is occupied by the executives while Levels 2 and 1 comprise the non-executives. Foreign workers who are Caucasians are automatically housed at Level 4 regardless of their abilities. Foreign workers who came from countries with standards of living lower than Singapore are banished to Level 1.
With tremendous expansion, CowShlt Inc resorted to recruiting large numbers of workers from developing countries. As such, the toilet facilities in Level 1 become inevitably insufficient. One idea brought up that time was to convert an unused toilet in Level 3 into a common toilet for the foreign workers. This suggestion, however, was met with strong resistance, especially from staffs at Level 3.
“How can such an idea be accepted?” wails Mr Silingong bin Gardun. “We are executives while they are lowly workers. They do not deserve to step on to Level 3 at all!”
“Level 3 is already so crowded, given the existence of the pantry,” concurs Mr Chin Hao Lian. “With those workers from Level 1 crowding our corridor, how are we going to around without coming in contact with their dirty bodies? Don’t forget that we executives at Level 3 have our bums as big as our egos!”
“And you know what?” chips in Mr Prop Per Tee. “The health product which I normally sell for an exorbitant price will now suffer a drop in value due to image loss! Imagine me having my angmoh customers visiting my showroom just to associate my products with those lowly people!”
To appease the anger of Level 3 staffs, Mr Gu Sai has announced that a special passageway will be built specially for the Level 1 people to access the common toilet.
“We will build a ladder behind the building for the Level 1 staffs to access the toilet,” explains Mr Gu Sai. “And after they have completed their business, they will slide down using this shiny fireman pole, build entirely on chrome. Don’t look down on these two items OK? They cost a hefty $2m hor! As for the pantry at Level 3, it will be visible to the Level 1 people, but they lan lan, can see but cannot touch.”
When commented that this move doesn’t seem humane, Mr Gu Sai replies, “What? You mean the Level 1 staffs are actually human? From the response of the Level 3 staffs, I thought we actually employed monkeys! Darn! So what should I do with the truckloads of peanuts I just bought to be used as salary for the Level 1 staffs?”
On a separate note, Mr Gu Sai announces that whoever caught napping in the toilets will be fined $200 for “misuse of common properties”.
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