Wednesday, September 19, 2007

CowShlT Inc introduces new chain of restaurants with new Slow-Food Concept. Presenting..! COW'S JUNIOR!

CowShlt Inc celebrates this very day, as the Grand Opening of 69 "Cow's Junior" outlets around the island.

This brilliant idea of a slow-food concept has been converted from thoughts to actions, in merely 72 hours.

CowShlt Inc would like to take this opportunity to thank Mr. Sau Chew, washroom cleaner at CowShlt Inc Towers, for having difficulties looking for things to do during the balance 45 minutes of his 1 hour lunch break. He had fast food for lunch that day, and it was fully devoured in only 15 minutes.

Bingo.

The new concept of slow food was born. By saying slow food, of course, we don't mean this.

McSlug

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We mean this. Cow's Jnr Meal.

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What do you mean it's the same as the others?! NO IT ISN'T.

Well, at least the packaging isn't.

What's so special:
Cow's Junior has an inhouse regulation. Patrons have to use a minimum of 45 mins to consume their food in order for their stomach to digest the food properly. Our tummies work the same as cows don't they? We have 4 too.

Of course, to make this opening a success, we did what we had to do.

Homework.

In a time frame of 28 hours and 46 minutes, we have successfully converted one of our competitor's logo to this. This can now be viewed at their outlets islandwide.

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And how can we leave out the imfamous "Advertise-KFC-in-MacDonald"s stunt. That was just what we did. We left our official animal right outside another competitor's outlet.

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And, not forgetting to introduce you to Cow's Jnr's Official Mascot, who graced today's opening event.

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So what are you still waiting for?

Rush down to your nearest 'Cow's Junior' Slow Food Restaurant, purchase a meal & get a Cow Toy FREE**! It MOOoos!
(AA Batteries not included)

** Toys will only be presented after inspection and certification that you took a minimum of 45 minutes to finish your Cow's Jnr meal.

From all of us at Cow's Junior, we look forward to your patronization.

Mr Smiley Celebrates 25th Birthday


Mr Smiley, or :-) as he is better known from his online moniker, celebrates his 25th birthday today. Channel News CowShlt reporter, Ms Wei Wei Xiao, catches up on him "live" at his bithday bash with this exclusive interview.





WWX ~ Ms Wei Wei Xiao
:-) ~ Mr Smiley



WWX ~ Hello Mr Smiley, it's my utmost pleasure to meet you in person!

:-) ~ :)

WWX ~ First of all, Mr Smiley, congratulations on your 25th birthday! This birthday bash is simply the best i had ever attended!

:-) ~ :D

WWX ~ And it sure must be fun too have so many female fans surrounding you, right?

:-) ~ :p

WWX ~ Actually Mr Smiley, i can't help but notice that you share a striking resemblence to our Chief Editor, Mr Cow Peh, or Newbie as he's commonly known from his online moniker.

:-) ~ :-O

WWX ~ But i find him much more handsome as he is red in colour while you are yellow....

:-) ~ X(

WWX ~ Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh!! Mr Smiley you can turn red too!!

:-) ~ ;)

WWX ~ Newbie still cannot turn yellow! You have outdone him by so much!!

:-) ~ :">

WWX ~ So Mr Smiley, after 25 years in the industry, what is your greatest job satisfaction?

:-) ~ :))

WWX ~ You sure seem to be an easily satisfied person, Mr Smiley!

:-) ~ 8-|

WWX ~ Well, it's really nice meeting you today, Mr Smiley. You are such a wonderful person.

:-) ~ O:-)

WWX ~ Any parting shots to all the viewers of Channel News CowShlt?

:-) ~ :-?

:-) ~ :x

WWX ~ Thank you, Mr Smiley, thank you! I'm sure that how all your fans feel towards you too.

:-) ~ :^o

WWX ~ This is Wei Wei Xiao, Channel News CowShlt, "live" from Mr Smiley 25th birthday bash!

:-) ~ :-h

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Mysterious Cow Secret Escapade 17 Sept 2007!!

News Flash!!

Many city dwellers has reported sightings of a strange looking Cow roaming downtown today afternoon. Channel News CowShlt reporting team rushed to the scene real time and brings back first-hand, exclusive report!

The following is the voice recording of Ms Spy The Cow, Channel News CowShlt top paparazzi.

12pm, Organic Restaurant at Stanley Street.

Mysterious Cow is walking into an organic restaurant with a beautiful Cow. Beautiful Cow is so pretty that all the cashew nuts in that restaurant straighten up upon her arrival. I tried to take a picture of Beautiful Cow but her brightness actually exposed the entire roll of film. This is how enchanting Beautiful Cow is.

Mysterious Cow, on the other hand, is in a blood-shot red. Breathing deeply, he seems to be sufferring from extreme hot flushes. Mysterious Cow looks like an exact replication of Red Bull! On closer observation, Mysterious Cow is actually covered with blood!!!

Beautiful Cow: Aiyo dear, faster take this hankerchief and wipe away your nose blood! Your nose has not stop bleeding since the moment you saw me....

Mysterious Cow and Beautiful Cow ordered a huge variety of grass. The waitress is asking if the two of them can finish all food.

Mysterious Cow: Don't worry. I really need more organic grass in order to churn out more organic craps.

It is obvious that Mysterious Cow is really enjoying the company of Beautiful Cow. For that hour, he is surely the envy of all Cows.

1.45pm, Carpark at Amoy Street.

Mysterious Cow takes out his handphone and starts dialing.

Mysterious Cow: Eh dear, free for coffee now or not? What? Need to go find hot chicks for your Cow Boss? Seek help from your sister Ding Dong Cow lah! Her profession now is chasing after birds what! Heard her latest victims were Big Cock and Ku Ku Jiao. I'm sure she has no problem finding some chicks and set them on fire! Hot enough or not??

It is still unknown whom was on the line, but Mysterious Cow is driving off now! Taxi!!!

2.15pm, Cafe at Shaw House.

Mysterious Cow is now walking towards another Cow. This Cow is definitely a milk Cow, given the outlook of her assets!

Milky Cow: It's such an honour to meet you today!
Mysterious Cow: Beautiful Cow is so pretty.......

Milky Cow: Erm... Shall i get you a cup of coffee?
Mysterious Cow: Beautiful Cow is so pretty.......

Milky Cow: Hello? Are you actually meeting me now or Beautiful Cow?
Mysterious Cow: Beautiful Cow is so pretty.......

Milky Cow: Wei....................
Mysterious Cow: Beautiful Cow is so pretty.......

What the h.... Oh my gosh!! Milky Cow just released tonnes of fresh milk and flooded the entire cafe!! Mysterious Cow is no where to be seen! I will bring back any news once i gather any update! I truly hope Mysterious Cow can survive this milky tragedy!

This is Spy The Cow,
Live from Singapore,
Channel News CowShlt

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Cow Peh Seeks Greener Pasture

After 4 years 6 months 7 days, Cow Peh finally left his old grassland in search for greener pasture. He has decided to roam around for a week, before stepping into his new grassland.

The new grassland offers the type of grass that is totally alien to Cow Peh. He has never tasted such grass before. Whether his four stomachs are able to digest such grass is yet to be proven. But Cow Peh deeply believes, that as long as he is determine to chew, he is still capable of producing top grade shlt regardless of grass type.

Cow Peh still holds dear memory of the old grassland. It not that the grass there is bad. But just that the fertilizer and pesticides the sherperd uses leave a sour taste in his mouth. The sherperd did a lot of things, which many were not explained. No Cows know what the sherperd is hiding from them, even if the changes have direct impact to the Cows.

The herd of Cows at the old grassland used to enjoy much freedom to roam. Every Cow is closely knit. We call it, the Cow Touch. However, ever since hierarchy kicked in, things become political, and some Cows became sacrificial Cows. Values we held on to strongly disappeared. Some Cows became gray instead of black and white. And whenever those Cows produce sour milk, they secretly change their bucket with the innocent Cows.

The future is unknown to Cow Peh. He is, afterall, leaving his comfort zone. But he is determined to step out, determined to seek his long lost passion, determined to rekindle his spirit in chewing grass. Wiping away tears from his fellow Cows eyes, he bide one by one farewell. Leaving a grassland that he pioneered is actually harder than he thought. But he has to go, as the grass in his stomach is again stirring. So with a powerful fart, Cow Peh flew out of his old grassland, giving a final handshake to those Cows whom send him till the very end.

Cow Peh wishes all surviving Cows at his old grassland their best. Cow Peh remembers their pact. Wait for your referral 3 months down the road, fellow Cows!!

Thursday, September 13, 2007

CowShlt Inc Signs New Deal with Health Promotion Board


CowShit Inc, the top crap provider in Singapore, penned down a new deal with Health Promotion Board (HPB) for this year National Healthy Lifestyle Campaign, tagged "Healthy Mind, Happy Life". The campaign this year aims to "encourage Singaporeans to nurture and look after their mental health".

It was understood that CowShlt Inc emerged victorious among thousands of other service providers. The winning margin was not released, but insider source revealed it was a close fight between CowShlt Inc and Gu-Chi Pte Ltd.

The person behind this service tender, Ms Xun Kai Xin from HPB, spoke to this reporter after being stalked for 3 days 3 nights.

"It was indeed a close fight between CowShlt Inc and Gu-Chi Pte Ltd. Gu-Chi Pte Ltd did a fairly good job during the preliminary assessment, tickling my Global Sourcer funnybone. However, when they tried to finger me, my G Spot was not aroused at all! Huh? What is G Spot?? My Gu-Chi Spot lah!"

The CEO of CowShlt Inc, Mr Gu Sai, revealed to this reporter his winning formula. "I actually have no idea what happened. During the meetup, my laser pointer dropped. All i did was went under the table. Just that at that point of time, i saw some grass like structure between Ms Xun's legs. And being a true blue Cow, i simply crawled over savour the delicacy. When i emerged, Ms Xun was already in cloud nine estacy. I guess making her happy was what this tender was all about."

CowShlt Inc has lined up a series of fun-filled activities during this campaign. Among these activities are short courses and games aimed at teaching people how to be happy. A brief description of the events is provided below.

Short Courses

1. Learn Foreplay in 10 Minutes. Learn how to arouse your interest in your course of work. Rejuvenate yourself back to your optimal performance. Participants with strong fingers or tongue muscles preferred.

2. Difference Between Kong-Cuss, Kong-Cum and Kon-Kar-Kiao. Learn the differences between each level of happiness so you can plan, execute and manage your happiness effectively. The course book, "21 Ways of Saying I'm Happy", will be provided free.

3. The Laughter Workshop. Learn how to laugh at the correct situation. You will be equipped with the ability to differentiate what is "Hor Chio", "Zin Hor Chio" and "Sibei Hor Chio". Master the correct laughing technique and impress all around you!

Carnival Games

1. Throw Shlt at Your Boss. You will finally have a chance to throw our patented CowShlt back to your boss. Have no fear! Our patented CowShlt are all teflon coated, making it non-stick to your hands.

2. Match the Laughter Contest. Match the laughter to the correct animal and walk away with attractive prizes!

3. Laughing Marathon. Laugh for 21 days without food, drinks or sleep. Eventual winner gets a 4 days 3 nights all expenses paid trip to the ultra exclusive CowShlt Country Club.

CowShlt Inc and Health Promotion Board will conduct a joint press release once the details are finalized.

Save The Cows..!!!

A standard beef slaughterhouse kills 250 cattle every hour.

The high speed of the assembly line makes it increasingly difficult to treat animals with any tweeny bit of humaneness.

It is impossible to have a good attitude toward cattle if employees have to constantly overexert themselves, just to keep up with the line.

Prior to being hung up by their back legs and bled to death, cattle are supposed to be rendered unconscious, as stipulated by the federal Humane Slaughter Act. This 'stunning' is usually done by a mechanical blow to the head.

However, the procedure is terribly imprecise, and inadequate stunning is inevitable.

As a result, conscious animals are often hung upside down, kicking and struggling, while a slaughterhouse worker makes another attempt to render them unconscious. Eventually, the animals will be struck in the throat with a knife, and blood will gush from their bodies whether or not they are unconscious.

Cows are peaceful, sentient beings who deserve the right to life like anyone else.

The next time you stop at a fast food restaurant for a hamburger, please remember the horrendous suffering involved for 15 minutes of your gratification.


What you can do to help:
Wear this sexy lil top the next time you patronize your favourite fast food restaurant.

Mmmmmm... Yummy.

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Wednesday, September 12, 2007

We Welcome Crap

Internal Circulation to Graduates of Bachelor of Universal Laughing Lesson (B.U.L.L)

Dear Proud Graduates of Ours,

We recognize your contribution to the society after your graduation from CowShlT University, holding a paper in B.U.L.L.

We see you on the papers all the time, shaking hands with governors of different countries - holding the handshake in place while reporters snap their cameras away (and yes, that frozen plastic smile). Ahhhh... These are signs of a CowShlt Member.

We want to hear from you, we welcome your views. If you have anything to say/ any interesting articles to share in the CowShlT Alumni Newsletter, kindly write to us at cowshlt@gmail.com.

If your article is published, we will be more than pleased to send you a "I don't wanna grow up, I'm a CowShlT Inc Kid!" T-skirt and what's more.. 15kg of crap, nicely bundled up and dropped off your doorstep.

We hope to hear from you soon.

Warm Regards,
Ms. Boh Tak Cheh
VP, Alumni Unit
CowShlt Inc., Singapore
废话私人有限公司

CowShlt Inc Pays Tribute to Ms Anita Roddick

The CEO of CowShlt Inc pays tribute to Ms Anita Roddick, founder of The Body Shop, whom passed away on 10 Sept 2007.

"Ms Roddick was the pioneer campaigner for environmental protection. Because of her efforts, our fellow Cows have more land to roam, greener pasture to graze, and cleaner water to drink. There is a Chinese saying that went 'You can't force a Cow's head down if it refuses to drink'. Our fellow Cows refused to drink because of water pollution, but Ms Roddick gave us a scent of fresh air.

Ms Roddick was also a keen supporter against animal testing. Our fellow Cows had long suffered under the hands on unethical businessmen, whom will force us into a shampoo, colour our lips red and make us smell like strawberry instead. Our fellow Cows which worked under Ms Roddick were fortunate enough to maintain their black and white colour. Unlike their poor counterparts in some other MNCs, which ended up looking like Barney.

It is a great loss to Planet Earth on the dismiss of Ms Roddick. We sincerely urge The Body Shop to continue with Ms Roddick's vision of responsible manufacturing and ethical marketing."

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

CowShlt Inc Sees New Business Opportunity!

With the recent declaration that
Malaysian ambulances are actually health hazards, CowShlt Inc sees a business deal in the making.

Below is the secretly taped conversation between the CEO, Mr Gu Sai and COO, Ms Gu Ni, of CowShlt Inc.

CEO: Do you know that Malaysian ambulances are now considered as health hazards?
COO: Yeah... Looks like a good opportunity for us to venture into the Malaysia market.

CEO: Do we have any ambulance model in mind to sell to them?
COO: Yes. German engine, 4-wheels drive. Environmental friendly with minimum greenhouse gas output. Highest fuel saving ratings in the market.

CEO: You have a picture of the car?
COO: Here.


CEO: Looks good. I'm sure it can withstand some bumpy rides, right?
COO: Of course.

CEO: Apart from the vehicle, we must also provide the manpower assistance.
COO: Don't worry, sir. I have them all ready....

CowShlt Inc Observe A Minute of Silence

The CEO of CowShlt Inc leads all staffs to observe a minute of silence for the victims of New York World Trade Centre attack on Sept 11, 2001.

Somewhere in time, humanity was lost;
Everything seemed so crazy and wild.
People went insane;
Targetting at the innocents;
Engulfing the world with their crazy flames.
Memories for the victims, recaptured today;
Bearing in mind, their beauty will stay.
Ever so softly, i say a little prayer;
Rest in peace, my innocent friends.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Urgent Service Request from 阎罗王

Internal Memo: High Importance
10 Sept 2007

Dear colleagues,

I have received an urgent Request for Service from Mr 阎罗王. Apparently, Mr 牛头 has gone AWOL with his weapon on hand while performing his guard duties and Mr 马面 was down with MC after contracting equine influenza. They are therefore unable to discharge their duties of chasing all the wandering spirits back to Hades tonight.

As this is an emergency deployment, i will personally lead this project to ensure we meets the Time to Deliver. Projected completion of this project is tonight, 10 Sept 2007 2359 hours. As such, all staffs of CowShlt Inc are expected to work overtime tonight and dinner will be provided.

Below is a brief discription of the jobs and responsibilities of each department. Respective department heads will hold a separate briefing to spell out the details.

Human Resource Department: Kindly cater dinner for all staffs tonight. Allow all staffs to choose between plain and scented joss sticks for the main course. Desserts shall be the standard strawberry flavoured candles. Free flow of rice wine must also be available.

Account Department: Mr 阎罗王 has paid me in advance with a stack of hard cold cash. However, when i tried using them to buy a can of beer from 7-11 this morning, the cashier threw the money back to me instead. Kindly work with the banks to exchange the money back to local currency.

Engineering Department: To ensure a smooth product transfer tonight, please dig another 3 highways to hell by 2330 hours. Ensure that the highways only allow one-way traffic. And don't forget the ERP gantries. We are charging Mr 阎罗王 on a per head (and thus, don't bother about those ghosts without head) basis.

Debt Collection Department: Please make full use of your special capabilities to locate every single spirit that went hiding. Leave no stones un-turned. Do not attempt to hang any pig head tonight or it will end up and dinner to all the hungry ghosts. Use force instead. If any spirit refuse to co-operate, make sure you make their lifes on Earth a living hell.

Your co-operation to meet the tight project timeline is deeply appreciated. The profits collected from Mr 阎罗王 will be directly distributed to all staffs.

Best regards,


Gu Sai
CEO, CowShlt Inc

Sunday, September 9, 2007

Australia Cows Gear Up to Take Over Horseracing Industry

News Flash!!


Millions of Cows in Australia are gearing themselves up to take over the horseracing industry with the recent outbreak of Horse Flu Virus in that country.

The ground in Australia is abuzzed with news that the local Cows are all ready to invade the horseracing tracks with the recent outbreak of Horse Flu Virus in that country. Many Cows were reported ditching their fields in search of glory and the lucrative prizes from the gambling industry.

Mr Cow Money, a resident Cow from New Cows Wales, said to the reporter, "Gamblers always claim themselves to be investors. And to an investor, what is more appealing than a Bullish Market? I am sure gamblers all over Australia will welcome the replacement of Cows over horses on the racetracks."

Another Cow, who chose to remain anonymous, said, "I think the timing is right. We had been undergoing intensive resistence training by pulling bullock carts and ploughing the field. And when once we release the weights, i believe we can really jump over the moon. Hey! That poem wasn't meant as a fairytale OK?!!"

A Sick Horse Imperial Trainer (S.H.I.T), who declined to be interviewed, was heard mumbling to himself, "Those Cows really hit the Bull's Eye this time......"

The Cow's Domestic Union of Non-profitable Groups (CowDUNG) made this statement. "The Cows in Australia generated the most profits for this country. Our products always top the country's export list. We works daily, regardless rain or shine. So, why must the biggest prize be always reserved for the horse which runs for less than a minute? It is time for the Cows to claim back the glory which rightfully belongs to us!"

When reminded about the similar situations faced by the Cows during the spread of Mad Cow Disease, CowDUNG only replied, "That was the time when the people kept squeezing our female workers breasts. It will be their time to get mad when they start squeezing their own balls when watching our bulls race."

Thursday, September 6, 2007

British Cows Stage Major Protest


Thousands of Cows were observed marching down the streets in northern Britain in protest of the government's decision in allowing the creation of human-animal embryos.

The Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority (HFEA) decision to allow creation of "cytoplasmic" embryos, which merge a tiny bit of human DNA with eggs from animals such as cattle has greatly angered the Cows community in Britain. A female Cow, under the condition of staying anonymous, spoke to the reporter.

"This is plainly inhumane. I cannot imagine myself going to bed with a human. I mean, compare the satisfaction i get from my bull boyfriend to a human. You seriously think any Tom, DICK or Hairy can fill my hole, i mean, spiritual hollowness?"

The Committee Of Workers Private Engagement Network In Singapore (C.O.W.P.E.N.I.S) specially sent a delegate of 200 Cows to Britain to support the demonstration. Its spokesperson, Mr Niu Bian said, "Human beings have longed been known for performing heinous acts just for their own kinky pleasure. Reproduction has always been a missionary act from Mother Nature. But human beings bent nature and adopted doggy style instead. And now, they even want to attempt Cow style!!"

Another group of foreign delegates from China's Mainland Industrial Lactation Kongsi (M.I.L.K) chirped in. "人类实在太不像样了! 我们已经长期被人类欺压, 太久太久了!! 人类喝光我们的牛奶, 穿走我们的牛仔裤, 甚至还发我们的牛脾气! 我们受够了!"

It is unknown how much longer will the demonstration take place. According to internal sources, the British government has already deployed batches of Beefeaters, including the first female Beefeater, to maintain order. A secret conversation between two Beefeaters was overheard. "Thousands of Cows out there. We are Beefeaters. Yum yum......."

As of press time, the Cow Madness continues.

News in Brief

CowShlt Inc Inks Casino Deal with Stones

In response to the opening of Venetian in Macau, CowShlt Inc decided to co-develope an even bigger casino with Las Vegas Sands biggest rival, Las Vegas Stones. The new casino is slated to be built on CowShlt Inc latest acquired island, MaCow.

According to the CEO of CowShlt Inc., Mr Gu Sai, the new casino will have "everything bigger than Venetian". Mr Sai said, "In our new casino, instead of being served by those fragile Bunny Ladies, patrons can expect top-level services by our patented Cow Ladies. To ensure the no patrons get drunk, we will serve fresh milk instead of beer. Simply enquire for a glass from our Cow Ladies. Freshness and satisfaction guaranteed! If the patron requires more, a Cow Lady upsize is always available!"

According to internal sources, the new casino will be aptly named Cash Cow Casino.

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Wa-Cow Primary School - Coloring Contest

Wa-Cow Primary School
Newsletter - Volume 1


A coloring contest was held school wide for the 500 school children in Wa-Cow Primary School.

The principal of this school, Ms. Ma-cow organized this competition as she noticed that children in her school practically had nothing to do other than exchange flash cards, marbles and play zero point everyday.

Ms. Ma-Cow has coordially invitied CowShlT Inc's Cow-Peh & Cow-Bu as Guest Judges.

Below are the most commonly heard statements throughout the judging:

Cow-Bu: "This seems too edgy.."
Cow-Peh: "There is no feeling at all.."
Cow-Bu: "This gives me goosebumps"..
Cow-Peh: **Throws up**

As the guest judges had no other better picture to choose from, they finally chose 2 pictures that's closest to the products of their company.

Well Done Wa-Cow Primary School, and the Champion with a case of Split Personality, Mai-Cow!!

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CowShlt Inc Offers Perfect Solution to Mahathir's Worry

Press Release
5 Sept 2007

Malaysia ex-Prime Minister, Tun Dr Mahathir, has expressed concern of "IDR falling into S'pore's hands".

CowShlt Inc sincerely propose itself to become the major working partner of Tun Dr Mahathir in addressing his concern.

First and foremost, CowShlt Inc should become the main developer of IDR. By developing IDR, CowShlt Inc will actually plant all our resources in place. Then there will be no more space for the Chinese that Tun Dr Mahathir dreads so much. Tun Dr Mahathir can use our recent invasion as reference.


Apart from this, CowShlt Inc will provide maximum security against illegal instruders. Our Special Task Force will provide 24 hours around the clock prowling services. Click HERE for our testimonial video.

With the above measures in place, we are confident that the IDR will be completely free from the Chinese that Tun Dr Mahathir so dearly detest. Beside, no other company can provide Tun Dr Mahathir with as much shlt as CowShlt Inc for him to throw at Singapore.

We sincerely invite Tun Dr Mahathir to call 1800-CowShlt immediately. We will be pleased to talk to him until the Cows come home.

Your sincerely,

Gu Sai
CEO, CowShlt Inc

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

MNCs VS COWS

WHAT DIFFERENT MNCs DO TO 2 COWS:


AMERICAN CORPORATION -You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have down sized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION -You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

ITALIAN CORPORATION -You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

GERMAN CORPORATION -You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

JAPANESE CORPORATION -You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION - You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have

COWSHIT INC CORPORATION - We eat them. Life is simple, Life is good.


This blog does not represent the views of CowShit Inc. It was simply an overflow of crap juice, at 10.59pm. So we masturbated.

Signing of with Lotsa Juice,
Cow-Bu

The Infamous CowShlT (silly) Jokes

Where do cows go when they want a night out?
To the moo-vies!

What was the bull doing in the pasture with his eyes closed?
Bull-dozin'

How does a farmer count a herd of cows?
With a Cowculator

Q: What does a cow ride when his car is broken?
A: A COW-asaki MOO-torcycle!

Q: Where do cows go on their space vacation?
A: The moooooon!

We love our color cause Black and white is always an appropriate fashion statement.

Why doesn't the people at cowshlt inc have any money?
Because everyone.. freakin milks us dry!!

Cow Story, and Other Animals Too.

In a small little farm, there lived an old couple without kid. Even though they were poor, they were happy.

The old couple only had 3 assets - a Cow, a pig and a hen. Unknown to them, there was actually another occupant in their humble little hut, a rat.

One fine morning, the rat was finally discovered by the old man. To capture the rat, the old man made a mousetrap himself and placed it on the kitchen floor, where the rat was most likely to appear.

Their actions were observed by the rat. Fearing for its own life, the rat went around begging for assistance to remove the mousetrap.

First, the rat went straight to the Cow. "Mr Cow, you are the biggest and strongest among us all. Please! Help me remove that mousetrap!" The Cow replied nonchalantly, "Little rat, that is YOUR trap and has nothing to do with me. Now, will you please go away while i continue manufacturing CowShlt Inc raw materials?"

Feeling disappointed, the rat scurried over to the pig. "Please, Mr pig. Your master laid a mousetrap in the kitchen. Please help me remove it!" The pig completely ignored the rat and continued its long afternoon nap.

Without any choice, the rat approached the hen with its crest fallen. "Ms Hen. I wonder if you will be kind enough to help me remove the mousetrap." The hen gave a chuckle and sneered, "My precious body is for laying the golden eggs. Not to remove mousetrap for you dirty little creature!!"

Unable to secure any help, the rat resigned its fate and hid into a corner.

Darkness fell. The old couple retreated to their bed. But just minutes after resting their eyes, they heard the mousetrap snapped. Believing that they caught the rat, the old woman proceeded to the kitchen to clear the mess.

Unaware to the old woman, the mousetrap actually caught the tail of a snake. When the old woman went into the kitchen in darkness, the wounded snake sprang its fangs and bit into the old woman's calf.

The old woman's wound got infected. She came down with a high fever the very next day. Without money to summon any doctor, the old man did what he thought was best. He slaughtered the hen to make Chicken Soup for the Wounded Soul.

However, things didn't seem to get any better. So the old man proceeded with Step 2 the next day. The pig had no choice but to donate its liver, spleen, bones, meat and whatever other bodily parts that it had.

Unfortunately, the old woman's condition took a dive and died that night. Neighbours were summoned to gather at the old man's place to assist with the funeral. Having so many people helping out, the old man must at least serve them some food. And there goes, my poor distant cousin, the Cow.

The rat, witnessing all that happened, could only shake its head and pondered aloud, "If any one of you would had just helped me removed that mousetrap, the four of us would still be happily playing mahjong together now....."



Disclaimer: All personnel and events mentioned above are strictly fictional. Any similarity to any person, whether dead or alive, are purely coincidential. No animals were harmed during the formation of this story.

CowSh|t Inc Fully Supports Andy Lau's Latest Album!

Internal Memo


All staffs of CowShlt Inc are strongly encouraged to purchase the latest album from our unofficial patron, Mr Andy Lau.


一只牛的异想世界


By listening to this album, you will therefore be able to learn from a real superstar on the ethics of being a cow. All staffs will recite the lyrics of 我是一只牛 as their daily pledge with immediate effect. The office PA system will also play this album non-stop, 24/7.

All staff who purchased the ORIGINAL copy of this album will be entitled to collect my signature on the album cover.

Best regards,


Gu Sai
CEO, CowShlt Inc

Monday, September 3, 2007

Sh|tty Joke

Child Fly: Mummy, i hate eating Shlt for every meal. It's so monotonous....

Mummy Fly: Don't talk about such filthy subject during meal time!! Come, faster finish your meal while it is still warm!

CowSh|t Q&A

Question: Why does the Cow cross the road?
Answer: Because the grass is greener on the other side.

Question: How many Cows does it take to change a lightbulb.
Answer: Unknown. The Cows only know how to cow-peh-cow-bu about the lack of lightings, but no concrete action is taken.

Question: What is the name of every Cow's favourite National Day song?
Answer: Cow On Me, Singapore.

Question: Why do people count sheeps instead of Cows to go to sleep.
Answer: Because they cannot find their Cowculators.

Question: What's the most common feeling when a new staff join CowShlt Inc.?
Answer: Cow-tural shock.

CowSh|t Inc Recruitment Exercise!

Dear fellow colleagues,

The following positions are available at CowShlt Inc. Please do your best to introduce the best people to join this big family. Introducer of all successful candidate will get a year of unlimited supplies of CowShlt mechandise.

1. Global Sourcer / Buyer

To source and purchase the best CowShlt from all over the world. Get the chance to interact with the supreme CowShlt developers.

2. Quality Assurance

To check and ensure all CowShlt are in tiptop quality when leaving the factory. To validate that all CowShlt are in perfect colour, texture, moisture and smell. Taste testing is optional.

3. Creative Director

To design state-of-the-art CowShlt. Access to unlimited R&D CowShlt resources. To ensure innovation and maintain the company's market leadership in CowShlt distribution.

4. Facility Manager

To pick up whatever loose CowShlt that were left behind.

Interest parties, please call 1800-CowShlt immediately for an interview!

Best regards,

Gu Sai
CEO, CowShlt Inc.

Foreplay.... Erm, i mean, Forewords........

If what CowSh|t Inc said doesn't make any sense to you, it probably doesn't have any.




Why? Not happy huh??!!