The market is abuzz today with the launch of a totally new wedding preparation course by the world renowned CowShlt Inc, the One-stop Nuptial Study (ONS).
“This is an entirely new concept in the wedding industry,” declares Mr Gu Sai, CEO of CowShlt Inc. “ONS will prepare you for all aspects of your marriage lives. Unlike conventional wedding preparation courses which only help you in managing marital expectations, ONS takes a deeper stance on marriage, from beginning to the end.”
It was understood that ONS teaches the following modules to its students.
1. Looking Pretty and Catching Your Desired Birdy
To be a blissful bride, you must be at your prettiest during your wedding. And even though it was widely believed that marriage is a gamble, ONS believes that choosing your husband shouldn’t be one.
“I always like to say that the biggest bird may not be the strongest,” says Ms bEll, the course instructor and personal assistant to Mr Gu Sai. “The catch is knowing what bird you really want and how to catch the right bird. And if you are pretty like me, all birds flock to you literally.”
2. Shopping for the Right Wedding Stuffs
From the wedding gown, to the floral arrangements, to the wedding dinner door gifts, there are thousands of items to purchase. While other wedding planners have the tendency to burn a hole in your pocket, ONS teaches you how to save, save, save.
“Finding bargain has always been my forte,” declares Ms Cammy, the course instructor and personal assistant to Mr Gu Sai. “From China to America to Antarctica, you name it, I spree it! And if your spree exceeds $50000, we will throw in 2 bottles of Pokka Honeysuckle White Tea, absolutely free! Huh? Your husband has G6PD Deficiency huh? Then our CEO will drink them on his behalf loh!”
3. How to Do Housework with Charm
Marriage is a bed of roses, only that this bed requires to be made in the morning. ONS firmly believes one does not need to be relegated to the realm of 黄脸婆 when managing the house. In fact, you can look really charming while dusting off in your chambermaid outfit.
“Just look at how pinky my face is,” says Ms Charmed, the course instructor and personal assistant to Mr Gu Sai. “Chambermaid has always been the ultimate sexual fantasy of all men, so there must be something sensual about doing housework. The moaning and sweat from being all exhausted……. Now, if you will excuse me, I need to get into my CEO’s office and climb up the ladder to retrieve a book from the top shelf.”
4. Get Daring, Spice It Up!
What is food without spices and what is marriage without sex? ONS teaches you how to blend the two together seamlessly.
“Ever wondered why spices and sex both start with S?” muses Ms CowBoo, the course instructor and personal assistant to Mr Gu Sai. “It’s because they complement each other perfectly. Men always like their women hot right? ONS teaches you the perfect usage of chilli padi! No, it’s not the leftover chilli padi from CowShlt Inc Childcare Centre. Too hot? Then cool down with our extra large cucumber, guaranteed to give you the most juice and satisfaction….”
5. A Legal Approach to the Big D
Starting a race is always easy but ending it with stamina is a different story. To be a truly inclusive wedding preparation course, ONS also teaches you how to end the marriage amicably.
“Most women divorce because they feel squeezed by their marriage,” explains Ms Yazzy, the course instructor and personal assistant to Mr Gu Sai. “So when the marriage is finally over, we will teach you how to turn the table around and squeeze the hell out from your husband instead! My personal favourite is taking him for a skydiving trip without the parachute.”
6. Chasing After Delayed Alimony
Some men can be damn chao kuan, ONS fully endorse this view. So what shall you do if your ex-husband refuse to pay your rightful alimony?
“Scare the hell out of the bugger lah!” exclaim Ms Casper, the course instructor and personal assistant to Mr Gu Sai. “I was born one day after Halloween in Singapore, but at that very hour, it was Halloween at its best in America! Being a local born Angmoh Gui, I will teach you how to customize your scaring tactic according to your tradition belief!”
“As so you can see,” gleams Mr Gu Sai, “ONS really equips you with the necessary skill to manage your marriage in all stages. However, one important aspect is when to execute what you have learnt in ONS. Timing is very important. As such, allow me to introduce to you my most newly acquired personal assistant, Ms Rolex. She will teach you how to time action zhun zhun. Otherwise, you release the pontinak to chase after your alimony in the daytime then how? Huh? No worry lah! This Rolex is definitely not from Bangkok pasar malam. Just look at her figure, mann! Isn’t it the best evidence that she was acquired from Hourglass instead?”
Application for ONS is officially open. Interested applicant, please call 1800-COWSHIT. Idobaby members get a special discount by stating their nickname during application.