The market is abuzz today with the launch of a totally new wedding preparation course by the world renowned CowShlt Inc, the One-stop Nuptial Study (ONS).
“This is an entirely new concept in the wedding industry,” declares Mr Gu Sai, CEO of CowShlt Inc. “ONS will prepare you for all aspects of your marriage lives. Unlike conventional wedding preparation courses which only help you in managing marital expectations, ONS takes a deeper stance on marriage, from beginning to the end.”
It was understood that ONS teaches the following modules to its students.
1. Looking Pretty and Catching Your Desired Birdy
To be a blissful bride, you must be at your prettiest during your wedding. And even though it was widely believed that marriage is a gamble, ONS believes that choosing your husband shouldn’t be one.
“I always like to say that the biggest bird may not be the strongest,” says Ms bEll, the course instructor and personal assistant to Mr Gu Sai. “The catch is knowing what bird you really want and how to catch the right bird. And if you are pretty like me, all birds flock to you literally.”
2. Shopping for the Right Wedding Stuffs
From the wedding gown, to the floral arrangements, to the wedding dinner door gifts, there are thousands of items to purchase. While other wedding planners have the tendency to burn a hole in your pocket, ONS teaches you how to save, save, save.
“Finding bargain has always been my forte,” declares Ms Cammy, the course instructor and personal assistant to Mr Gu Sai. “From China to America to Antarctica, you name it, I spree it! And if your spree exceeds $50000, we will throw in 2 bottles of Pokka Honeysuckle White Tea, absolutely free! Huh? Your husband has G6PD Deficiency huh? Then our CEO will drink them on his behalf loh!”
3. How to Do Housework with Charm
Marriage is a bed of roses, only that this bed requires to be made in the morning. ONS firmly believes one does not need to be relegated to the realm of 黄脸婆 when managing the house. In fact, you can look really charming while dusting off in your chambermaid outfit.
“Just look at how pinky my face is,” says Ms Charmed, the course instructor and personal assistant to Mr Gu Sai. “Chambermaid has always been the ultimate sexual fantasy of all men, so there must be something sensual about doing housework. The moaning and sweat from being all exhausted……. Now, if you will excuse me, I need to get into my CEO’s office and climb up the ladder to retrieve a book from the top shelf.”
4. Get Daring, Spice It Up!
What is food without spices and what is marriage without sex? ONS teaches you how to blend the two together seamlessly.
“Ever wondered why spices and sex both start with S?” muses Ms CowBoo, the course instructor and personal assistant to Mr Gu Sai. “It’s because they complement each other perfectly. Men always like their women hot right? ONS teaches you the perfect usage of chilli padi! No, it’s not the leftover chilli padi from CowShlt Inc Childcare Centre. Too hot? Then cool down with our extra large cucumber, guaranteed to give you the most juice and satisfaction….”
5. A Legal Approach to the Big D
Starting a race is always easy but ending it with stamina is a different story. To be a truly inclusive wedding preparation course, ONS also teaches you how to end the marriage amicably.
“Most women divorce because they feel squeezed by their marriage,” explains Ms Yazzy, the course instructor and personal assistant to Mr Gu Sai. “So when the marriage is finally over, we will teach you how to turn the table around and squeeze the hell out from your husband instead! My personal favourite is taking him for a skydiving trip without the parachute.”
6. Chasing After Delayed Alimony
Some men can be damn chao kuan, ONS fully endorse this view. So what shall you do if your ex-husband refuse to pay your rightful alimony?
“Scare the hell out of the bugger lah!” exclaim Ms Casper, the course instructor and personal assistant to Mr Gu Sai. “I was born one day after Halloween in Singapore, but at that very hour, it was Halloween at its best in America! Being a local born Angmoh Gui, I will teach you how to customize your scaring tactic according to your tradition belief!”
“As so you can see,” gleams Mr Gu Sai, “ONS really equips you with the necessary skill to manage your marriage in all stages. However, one important aspect is when to execute what you have learnt in ONS. Timing is very important. As such, allow me to introduce to you my most newly acquired personal assistant, Ms Rolex. She will teach you how to time action zhun zhun. Otherwise, you release the pontinak to chase after your alimony in the daytime then how? Huh? No worry lah! This Rolex is definitely not from Bangkok pasar malam. Just look at her figure, mann! Isn’t it the best evidence that she was acquired from Hourglass instead?”
Application for ONS is officially open. Interested applicant, please call 1800-COWSHIT. Idobaby members get a special discount by stating their nickname during application.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
CowShlt Inc CEO Allows Foreign Employees to Use Common Toilets in Level 3
Despite many protest from the white collared workers in CowShlt Inc, its CEO, Mr Gu Sai, has given the green light for foreign employees working on Level 2 and below to use the common toilets situated at Level 3.
CowShlt Inc office building has a total of 5 levels. It is understood that the top floor, Level 5, is occupied by its CEO, Mr Gu Sai, and his 6 executive secretaries code-named BCCCC+Y. All departmental managers with monthly income of more than $8000 are housed at Level 4. Level 3 is occupied by the executives while Levels 2 and 1 comprise the non-executives. Foreign workers who are Caucasians are automatically housed at Level 4 regardless of their abilities. Foreign workers who came from countries with standards of living lower than Singapore are banished to Level 1.
With tremendous expansion, CowShlt Inc resorted to recruiting large numbers of workers from developing countries. As such, the toilet facilities in Level 1 become inevitably insufficient. One idea brought up that time was to convert an unused toilet in Level 3 into a common toilet for the foreign workers. This suggestion, however, was met with strong resistance, especially from staffs at Level 3.
“How can such an idea be accepted?” wails Mr Silingong bin Gardun. “We are executives while they are lowly workers. They do not deserve to step on to Level 3 at all!”
“Level 3 is already so crowded, given the existence of the pantry,” concurs Mr Chin Hao Lian. “With those workers from Level 1 crowding our corridor, how are we going to around without coming in contact with their dirty bodies? Don’t forget that we executives at Level 3 have our bums as big as our egos!”
“And you know what?” chips in Mr Prop Per Tee. “The health product which I normally sell for an exorbitant price will now suffer a drop in value due to image loss! Imagine me having my angmoh customers visiting my showroom just to associate my products with those lowly people!”
To appease the anger of Level 3 staffs, Mr Gu Sai has announced that a special passageway will be built specially for the Level 1 people to access the common toilet.
“We will build a ladder behind the building for the Level 1 staffs to access the toilet,” explains Mr Gu Sai. “And after they have completed their business, they will slide down using this shiny fireman pole, build entirely on chrome. Don’t look down on these two items OK? They cost a hefty $2m hor! As for the pantry at Level 3, it will be visible to the Level 1 people, but they lan lan, can see but cannot touch.”
When commented that this move doesn’t seem humane, Mr Gu Sai replies, “What? You mean the Level 1 staffs are actually human? From the response of the Level 3 staffs, I thought we actually employed monkeys! Darn! So what should I do with the truckloads of peanuts I just bought to be used as salary for the Level 1 staffs?”
On a separate note, Mr Gu Sai announces that whoever caught napping in the toilets will be fined $200 for “misuse of common properties”.
CowShlt Inc office building has a total of 5 levels. It is understood that the top floor, Level 5, is occupied by its CEO, Mr Gu Sai, and his 6 executive secretaries code-named BCCCC+Y. All departmental managers with monthly income of more than $8000 are housed at Level 4. Level 3 is occupied by the executives while Levels 2 and 1 comprise the non-executives. Foreign workers who are Caucasians are automatically housed at Level 4 regardless of their abilities. Foreign workers who came from countries with standards of living lower than Singapore are banished to Level 1.
With tremendous expansion, CowShlt Inc resorted to recruiting large numbers of workers from developing countries. As such, the toilet facilities in Level 1 become inevitably insufficient. One idea brought up that time was to convert an unused toilet in Level 3 into a common toilet for the foreign workers. This suggestion, however, was met with strong resistance, especially from staffs at Level 3.
“How can such an idea be accepted?” wails Mr Silingong bin Gardun. “We are executives while they are lowly workers. They do not deserve to step on to Level 3 at all!”
“Level 3 is already so crowded, given the existence of the pantry,” concurs Mr Chin Hao Lian. “With those workers from Level 1 crowding our corridor, how are we going to around without coming in contact with their dirty bodies? Don’t forget that we executives at Level 3 have our bums as big as our egos!”
“And you know what?” chips in Mr Prop Per Tee. “The health product which I normally sell for an exorbitant price will now suffer a drop in value due to image loss! Imagine me having my angmoh customers visiting my showroom just to associate my products with those lowly people!”
To appease the anger of Level 3 staffs, Mr Gu Sai has announced that a special passageway will be built specially for the Level 1 people to access the common toilet.
“We will build a ladder behind the building for the Level 1 staffs to access the toilet,” explains Mr Gu Sai. “And after they have completed their business, they will slide down using this shiny fireman pole, build entirely on chrome. Don’t look down on these two items OK? They cost a hefty $2m hor! As for the pantry at Level 3, it will be visible to the Level 1 people, but they lan lan, can see but cannot touch.”
When commented that this move doesn’t seem humane, Mr Gu Sai replies, “What? You mean the Level 1 staffs are actually human? From the response of the Level 3 staffs, I thought we actually employed monkeys! Darn! So what should I do with the truckloads of peanuts I just bought to be used as salary for the Level 1 staffs?”
On a separate note, Mr Gu Sai announces that whoever caught napping in the toilets will be fined $200 for “misuse of common properties”.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Ministry of Health Appoints Former NKF CEO as Head of HOSEI
The Ministry of Health announced yesterday that former CEO of NKF, Mr Boh Liang Xim, has been appointed as the head of Human Organ Sales Ethic Investigation (HOSEI) to study the possibility of legalising trade of human organs.
"Me smart right?" mused Mr Moore Rer, Minister of Health. "At first i said i'm totally against organ trading as it is simply immoral. After a few days, i expressed that we should remain open to that possibility. In this way, i managed to secure the votes from both the moral-driven and choice-driven camps. And damn! By changing my mind so fast, i even brought myself closer to those fence-sitting voters! I expect to win my next election by 100% mann!
On why Mr Boh was handpicked for the top post, Mr Rer explained, "Just look at what are involved. Kidneys, money, ethics... Who do you think have the most experience in linking these three factors in? Mr Boh is the natural choice!"
"Hosei ah!" exclaimed Mr Boh. "Finally i'm given a new lease of life. Nobody understand the anxiety of waiting for an organ better than i do. In fact, till now i am still looking for a new heart since losing mine in 2006!"
On a separate event, Transport Minister Mr Yee Arh Pee has announced plans to regulate organ trading.
"I offer a very simple solution," beamed Mr Yee. "We will be erecting ERP gantries on all the roads leading the Transplant Centres. This way, the poor will not be exploited by organ trading. Because before they managed to sell their organs, they will already be fully exploited by the ERPs, leaving them nothing more to lose but everything to gain!"
"Me smart right?" mused Mr Moore Rer, Minister of Health. "At first i said i'm totally against organ trading as it is simply immoral. After a few days, i expressed that we should remain open to that possibility. In this way, i managed to secure the votes from both the moral-driven and choice-driven camps. And damn! By changing my mind so fast, i even brought myself closer to those fence-sitting voters! I expect to win my next election by 100% mann!
On why Mr Boh was handpicked for the top post, Mr Rer explained, "Just look at what are involved. Kidneys, money, ethics... Who do you think have the most experience in linking these three factors in? Mr Boh is the natural choice!"
"Hosei ah!" exclaimed Mr Boh. "Finally i'm given a new lease of life. Nobody understand the anxiety of waiting for an organ better than i do. In fact, till now i am still looking for a new heart since losing mine in 2006!"
On a separate event, Transport Minister Mr Yee Arh Pee has announced plans to regulate organ trading.
"I offer a very simple solution," beamed Mr Yee. "We will be erecting ERP gantries on all the roads leading the Transplant Centres. This way, the poor will not be exploited by organ trading. Because before they managed to sell their organs, they will already be fully exploited by the ERPs, leaving them nothing more to lose but everything to gain!"
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
CowShlt Inc & PigBrain Ltd Support Legalising of Human Organ Trade
When the nation is still heatedly debating on the subject of legalising trade of human organs, CowShlt Inc and her siser company, PigBrain Ltd have both expressed strong advocacy towards liberalising the market.
"I don't see what's the big fuss about trading organs," said a puzzled Ms Zhu Za Tang, Managing Director of PigBrain Ltd. "I mean, just make a trip to the market, and you will see so many organs of my fellow Pigs handing from the stalls. From Pig Organ Soup to Kway Chap to Bak Kut Teh, when has our organs not been traded? Some more didn't even ask for our permission before harvesting them!"
"Yes," concurred Mr Gu Sai, CEO of CowShlt Inc. "The health minister rejected liberalising of human organ trade on moral reason. If he is so moral-inclined, then call those doctors who performed transplant operation to do them for free lah! Want to be moral, then everybody moral together! Why only limit moral to the donor while the doctors charge an obscene amount? Is building two casinos in Singapore very moral? Is raising the age limit to withdraw our hardearned CPF very moral? Is erecting so many ERP gantries over the entire island very moral? Talk cock one leh!"
Meanwhile, local director Mr Jack Neo has announced his plan to make the 3rd instalment of his wildly popular movie, I Not Stupid.
"The story of I No Stupid 3 sees the few youths growing to young adulthood. By being in the lower educated realm, they naturally fall into the category of what the government believes as 'Stupid Enough to be Exploited to Sell Your Organs'. This movie shows how they fight against temptation to sell their organs, since the governemnt said it was morally worng to do so. I mean, what the government said must be correct, right?. However, one of them met with an accident shortly and died. His organs were then mercilessly taken away from him because he was too lowly educated to understand that he can actually opt out from HOTA."
Punters have a lot of stakes in the outcome of this debate too.
"We had recently launched a new betting scheme since European Cup has ended and the new EPL season has not started. Punters can bet directly on whether eventually the government will legalise the trading of human organs. Presently the odds are in favour of not legalising the act. However, punters should be aware that the odds may swing overnight to other end if a minister or celebrity suddenly needs an organ transplant."
"I don't see what's the big fuss about trading organs," said a puzzled Ms Zhu Za Tang, Managing Director of PigBrain Ltd. "I mean, just make a trip to the market, and you will see so many organs of my fellow Pigs handing from the stalls. From Pig Organ Soup to Kway Chap to Bak Kut Teh, when has our organs not been traded? Some more didn't even ask for our permission before harvesting them!"
"Yes," concurred Mr Gu Sai, CEO of CowShlt Inc. "The health minister rejected liberalising of human organ trade on moral reason. If he is so moral-inclined, then call those doctors who performed transplant operation to do them for free lah! Want to be moral, then everybody moral together! Why only limit moral to the donor while the doctors charge an obscene amount? Is building two casinos in Singapore very moral? Is raising the age limit to withdraw our hardearned CPF very moral? Is erecting so many ERP gantries over the entire island very moral? Talk cock one leh!"
Meanwhile, local director Mr Jack Neo has announced his plan to make the 3rd instalment of his wildly popular movie, I Not Stupid.
"The story of I No Stupid 3 sees the few youths growing to young adulthood. By being in the lower educated realm, they naturally fall into the category of what the government believes as 'Stupid Enough to be Exploited to Sell Your Organs'. This movie shows how they fight against temptation to sell their organs, since the governemnt said it was morally worng to do so. I mean, what the government said must be correct, right?. However, one of them met with an accident shortly and died. His organs were then mercilessly taken away from him because he was too lowly educated to understand that he can actually opt out from HOTA."
Punters have a lot of stakes in the outcome of this debate too.
"We had recently launched a new betting scheme since European Cup has ended and the new EPL season has not started. Punters can bet directly on whether eventually the government will legalise the trading of human organs. Presently the odds are in favour of not legalising the act. However, punters should be aware that the odds may swing overnight to other end if a minister or celebrity suddenly needs an organ transplant."
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Singapore Ready to Become Regional ERP Hub
The Singapore government recently revealed their grand vision of becoming the regional hub for Electronic Road Pricing.
"While our neighbours are busy planting flag on the Middle Rocks, we move one step ahead by planting even more ERP gantries!" mused Mr Cheng Hoo Lang, spokesperson of LTA. "In fact, we are now studying the profitability of installing an ERP gantry at Pedra Branca. Everyone in Singapore pays ERP to go work, so how can exception be made for those fellows working in Horsburg Lighthouse?"
The vision of becoming an ERP Hub has drawn flaks from a local geomacy expert.
"From the top, Singapore looks like crab," explains Mr Kwa Hong Jui. "And those ERP gantries looks like giant staplers. So, imagine planting so many staplers on a crab, how to live like that? Don't expect Singapore to rise in ranking again for the most livable cities liao lah!"
While car owners are moaning about the ever increasing cost of driving in Singapore, one company has set sights on grabbing this business opportunity.
"We are in the finalising talks with LTA now," announced Mr Gu Sai, CEO of CowShlt Inc. "On my hands now is the revolutionary tie-up between Cow's Jr and LTA. From 1st August 2008, motorists will be able to log in their orders for Cow's Jr through their In-Vehicle Unit. When they pass by an ERP gantry, their orders will be picked up and payments automatically deducted from their cashcards. They can then proceed to the Cow's Jr outlet of their choice to pick up their favourite McSlug Happy Meal."
When inquired about the unlucky motorists who have no chance to pass by any ERP gantry, Mr Gu said, "The LTA feels deeply for the unlucky motorist who yet have the chance to enjoy this special privilege. That's why the government has decided to erect an ERP gantry at the exit of every carpark by 1st Jan 2010. By then, ALL motorists can enjoy their favourite McSlug Happy Meal without frills! Kudos to the Transport Ministry!"
On a separate report, LTA has announced that carpark charges at residential areas will be increased to curb congestion issue.
"We noticed that the carparks at the residential areas are unusually congested since the implementation of more ERPs," explained Mr Cheng. "As such, to counter the problem of congestion in the carparks, LTA has decided to raise parking charges across island wide. Our Tranport authority firmly believes that raising charges can solve all problems. Transport Ministry boleh!"
"While our neighbours are busy planting flag on the Middle Rocks, we move one step ahead by planting even more ERP gantries!" mused Mr Cheng Hoo Lang, spokesperson of LTA. "In fact, we are now studying the profitability of installing an ERP gantry at Pedra Branca. Everyone in Singapore pays ERP to go work, so how can exception be made for those fellows working in Horsburg Lighthouse?"
The vision of becoming an ERP Hub has drawn flaks from a local geomacy expert.
"From the top, Singapore looks like crab," explains Mr Kwa Hong Jui. "And those ERP gantries looks like giant staplers. So, imagine planting so many staplers on a crab, how to live like that? Don't expect Singapore to rise in ranking again for the most livable cities liao lah!"
While car owners are moaning about the ever increasing cost of driving in Singapore, one company has set sights on grabbing this business opportunity.
"We are in the finalising talks with LTA now," announced Mr Gu Sai, CEO of CowShlt Inc. "On my hands now is the revolutionary tie-up between Cow's Jr and LTA. From 1st August 2008, motorists will be able to log in their orders for Cow's Jr through their In-Vehicle Unit. When they pass by an ERP gantry, their orders will be picked up and payments automatically deducted from their cashcards. They can then proceed to the Cow's Jr outlet of their choice to pick up their favourite McSlug Happy Meal."
When inquired about the unlucky motorists who have no chance to pass by any ERP gantry, Mr Gu said, "The LTA feels deeply for the unlucky motorist who yet have the chance to enjoy this special privilege. That's why the government has decided to erect an ERP gantry at the exit of every carpark by 1st Jan 2010. By then, ALL motorists can enjoy their favourite McSlug Happy Meal without frills! Kudos to the Transport Ministry!"
On a separate report, LTA has announced that carpark charges at residential areas will be increased to curb congestion issue.
"We noticed that the carparks at the residential areas are unusually congested since the implementation of more ERPs," explained Mr Cheng. "As such, to counter the problem of congestion in the carparks, LTA has decided to raise parking charges across island wide. Our Tranport authority firmly believes that raising charges can solve all problems. Transport Ministry boleh!"
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
CowShlt Inc All Ready to Take Over Governance of South Korea
Following the mass resignation of the cabinet, South Korea has decided to outsource their government via a closed-door tender.
"It is our utmost honour to receive the Request for Proposal from South Korea," said Mr Gu Sai, CEO of CowShlt Inc. "CowShlt Inc has all along maintained a very close relationship with South Korea. Whenever our supply for CowShlt runs low, i always send my Cowlings to South Korea. And they never fail to produce loads of CowShlt after a few days of eating kimchi."
Mr Gu indicated that CowShlt Inc will go all out to win the tender.
"Realistically, CowShlt Inc has a better chance than any other competitors. The plight of the current government is caused by beef. So, who else is a better candidate to tackle this cowly issue than CowShlt Inc?"
While the company seems upbeat on the surface, it is also riled by rumours that the company's CEO is not seeing eye-to-eye with his deputy, Ms Enxiii, on where to set its headquarter in South Korea.
"While the day-to-day operations of CowShlt Inc rest solely on Mr Gu's shoulders, decision on logistic issue is made solely by me," explained Ms Enxiii. "That Mr Gu keep insisting on building our base at that beach featured in 秋天的童话, hoping to bump into 恩熙. Not a chance, OK! I have decided, we will build our base at the ski resort in 冬季恋歌 instead. Then, i can bump into 斐勇俊 and Mr Gu can bump into THIS Enxiii!"
"It is our utmost honour to receive the Request for Proposal from South Korea," said Mr Gu Sai, CEO of CowShlt Inc. "CowShlt Inc has all along maintained a very close relationship with South Korea. Whenever our supply for CowShlt runs low, i always send my Cowlings to South Korea. And they never fail to produce loads of CowShlt after a few days of eating kimchi."
Mr Gu indicated that CowShlt Inc will go all out to win the tender.
"Realistically, CowShlt Inc has a better chance than any other competitors. The plight of the current government is caused by beef. So, who else is a better candidate to tackle this cowly issue than CowShlt Inc?"
While the company seems upbeat on the surface, it is also riled by rumours that the company's CEO is not seeing eye-to-eye with his deputy, Ms Enxiii, on where to set its headquarter in South Korea.
"While the day-to-day operations of CowShlt Inc rest solely on Mr Gu's shoulders, decision on logistic issue is made solely by me," explained Ms Enxiii. "That Mr Gu keep insisting on building our base at that beach featured in 秋天的童话, hoping to bump into 恩熙. Not a chance, OK! I have decided, we will build our base at the ski resort in 冬季恋歌 instead. Then, i can bump into 斐勇俊 and Mr Gu can bump into THIS Enxiii!"
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
I'm Back!
Hi Cowlings, i'm back in Singapore finally. Came back in one piece, although a couple of Cow Peh's comrades were not so lucky. I heard that the injury rate for this training is a record high. Perhaps it's due to the extremely hot weather in Thailand. At once, the temperature even soared to 48.5 degrees Celcius. Enough to fry an egg on the tarmac floor.
Cow Peh is glad to be back, but also sad to leave Thailand. Glad to finally be together again with Cow Peh's family. Sad to depart from the closest that Cow Peh has ever got to be with Mother Nature. But, seems like in today's world, being alive is already a miracle. When the cyclone in Myammar has barely settled, Sichuan suffered the massive earthquake. My condolence to all people of the affected regions.
Take care, all Cowlings. Take extra care, BCCCE+Y. Somehow Bell's and Charmed's face kept flashing across my mind in a sudden throughout this training, i wonder why.
Cow Peh is glad to be back, but also sad to leave Thailand. Glad to finally be together again with Cow Peh's family. Sad to depart from the closest that Cow Peh has ever got to be with Mother Nature. But, seems like in today's world, being alive is already a miracle. When the cyclone in Myammar has barely settled, Sichuan suffered the massive earthquake. My condolence to all people of the affected regions.
Take care, all Cowlings. Take extra care, BCCCE+Y. Somehow Bell's and Charmed's face kept flashing across my mind in a sudden throughout this training, i wonder why.
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