Internal Newsletter
Dear all,
Year 2008 is coming to an end with only two more weeks to go. Let’s perform a review on how the various projects we had agreed upon last December are doing.
1. To Revitalise Singapore Economy
Singapore was enjoying her best economy in 2008, until some ku-ku fengshui masters advised to reverse the direction of our money spinning Singapore Flyers.
Verdict – Money down the drain….
2. Building of NewPower Plant
SP Power increased their electrical tariff by a whooping 21%. But due to keen competition from CowShlt Inc NewPower Plant, they had quickly announced a 25% reduction from next year. Thanks to all CowShlt Inc staffs who produced so many craps in 2008, this project is an astounding success.
Verdict – Holy craps! But more shlt needed!
3. To Break into the Local Movie Industry
See what happen when an acclaimed director like Royston Tan chose to produce a lotus film instead of collaborating with CowShlt Inc to produce 1711? Flop, total flop…..
Verdict – Why not co-produce 1800-COWSHIT in 2009??
4. To Mass Market the Cure for Gay Tendency
Due to the financial crisis, most people are so well trained in covering their ass. The gays have no chance at all. Our new drug has thus no market to sell to.
Verdict – Someone’s ass need to be whipped for suggesting this project…
5. Building of Singapore Disneyland
I am sad to announce that Mickey Mouse and friends have been abducted by the Somali pirates while cruising over to Singapore. We are currently in talk with Disneyland to allow our very White Tigers to stand-in as their new mascot while negotiation with the pirates continues. We are currently in talk with Disneyland to allow our very White Tigers to stand-in as their new mascot while negotiation with the pirates continues.
Verdict – Surely those visitors can’t differentiate between 老鼠 and 老虎 right?
6. To Help Win Olympic Gold Medal in Beijing 2008
Singapore has finally ended her Olympic medal drought in Beijing 2008. To keep the tempo going, CowShlt Inc has again been tasked to help bring in more medals in London 2010. Being once a colony of England, the Olympic is seen as being help in Singapore twice consecutively.
Verdict – Gold standard
7. To Help Singapore Government Connect with the Youths
The facts speaks for itself…..
Verdict – No need to grade anymore, friend friend already lah…..
8. To Develop Singapore as the Region's Protest Hub
Singapore has setup its first Protest Corner in Hong Lim Park. However, the participants are still… should I say… way behind our Thai counterparts.
Verdict – We’ve done our part. Maybe some oversea studies in Thailand is necessary…
Monday, December 22, 2008
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
CowShlt Inc Bans All Staffs from Practicing YOGA
Staffs from CowShlt Inc are apparently furious over a recent ban from the top management on them practicing YOGA. The reason for banning this practice was apparently that it will erode the faith of CowShlt Inc adopted belief, Crapsology.
“All staffs in CowShlt Inc must fully devote themselves to Crapsology, and Crapslogy only,” declared Mr Gu Sai, CEO of CowShlt Inc. “Crapsology is an ideology founded by the great Holy Crap. We had been practicing it ever since CowShlt Inc was formed. For that, it is reason enough to ban our staffs from coming into contact with any other beliefs”
It was understood that the belief, You’re Only Getting Advanced, or YOGA in short, was founded by an Indian guru thousands of years ago, but was getting increasingly popular especially among the young and educated. Practitioners of this ancient art make use of emerging technologies and slogans shouting to increase their self-beliefs.
“I used to think getting to work was all craps,” said Mr Seh Kor, “until I started practicing YOGA. YOGA taught me how to spread my workload using advanced technology. Now, with emails reaching me 24 hours a day, my entire life is craps. Getting to work became a much happier event!”
“I used to be a person without any passion for my job,” confessed Ms Jiak Zhua, “until YOGA pointed me to the correct direction. I start my day in the office by shouting the YOGA slogan ‘I love my job!’ multiple times. And I’m sure you had heard it before. A lie, when told multiple times, can be perceived as reality. So although I am practically still doing nothing in office now, I have embraced the idea that I actually love such a job!”
“It’s not a matter of whether the belief promotes good or bad,” explains Mr Gu Sai. “Crapsology doesn’t work this way. YOGA tries to impose logic on whatever it preaches, and logic is something Crapsology absolutely oppose to. Don’t ask me the logic behind such crap logic as it is the Crapsology logic to not have any logic!”
On a separate note, Mr Gu Sai revealed that CowShlt Inc is presently reviewing on whether to grant access to Taiwanese heartthrob Yoga Lin to perform at CowShlt Inc annual Dinner & Dance.
“All staffs in CowShlt Inc must fully devote themselves to Crapsology, and Crapslogy only,” declared Mr Gu Sai, CEO of CowShlt Inc. “Crapsology is an ideology founded by the great Holy Crap. We had been practicing it ever since CowShlt Inc was formed. For that, it is reason enough to ban our staffs from coming into contact with any other beliefs”
It was understood that the belief, You’re Only Getting Advanced, or YOGA in short, was founded by an Indian guru thousands of years ago, but was getting increasingly popular especially among the young and educated. Practitioners of this ancient art make use of emerging technologies and slogans shouting to increase their self-beliefs.
“I used to think getting to work was all craps,” said Mr Seh Kor, “until I started practicing YOGA. YOGA taught me how to spread my workload using advanced technology. Now, with emails reaching me 24 hours a day, my entire life is craps. Getting to work became a much happier event!”
“I used to be a person without any passion for my job,” confessed Ms Jiak Zhua, “until YOGA pointed me to the correct direction. I start my day in the office by shouting the YOGA slogan ‘I love my job!’ multiple times. And I’m sure you had heard it before. A lie, when told multiple times, can be perceived as reality. So although I am practically still doing nothing in office now, I have embraced the idea that I actually love such a job!”
“It’s not a matter of whether the belief promotes good or bad,” explains Mr Gu Sai. “Crapsology doesn’t work this way. YOGA tries to impose logic on whatever it preaches, and logic is something Crapsology absolutely oppose to. Don’t ask me the logic behind such crap logic as it is the Crapsology logic to not have any logic!”
On a separate note, Mr Gu Sai revealed that CowShlt Inc is presently reviewing on whether to grant access to Taiwanese heartthrob Yoga Lin to perform at CowShlt Inc annual Dinner & Dance.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Zoo Still Undecided on Action to Take to Prevent Future Mauling by Tigers
Few days after the mauling of a contract worker by the white tigers, the Singapore Zoo is still undecided on what action it can take to prevent future incidents from happening.
“Tentatively,” said Mr Gore Rileer, “we will usher all visitors into a steel cage the moment they come to the Zoo. Instead of letting people walk all over the Zoo, potentially falling into the Tiger Enclosure, we will let the animals come visit the humans in cage instead. We hereby urge all visitors not to accept any bananas offered to them by our animals.”
The general public has also generously offered suggestions on the possible actions Singapore Zoo can take.
“In western medical terms,” explained Dr Tok Cai Tau, “we treat symptoms by symptoms. The tigers like to bite right? Then just remove the cause! Extract all the teeth of the tigers will solve the problem once and for all. Anyway, Singaporeans are always known as toothless tigers who, when talk sibei kiang, but when action needed, all don’t know run where!”
“The Zoo should start identifying potential danger zones,” suggested Mr Yee Arh Pee. “Once the Zoo did that, then it can start imposing electronic charges on the visitors who still choose to visit the dangerous sites. During peak hours when the zookeepers are busiest, the electronic charges should also be the highest. This will force all visitors to plan their routes and only visit those non dangerous exhibits.”
“Long long time ago when the Zoo only has yellow tigers,” recalled Mr Geh Ang Moh, “such incidents never happened. But then the Zoo decided to import all this white tigers, raving how precious they are and how they can save the plunging economy. See what happens? Those white tigers snatched away all the jobs from the local tigers and worse still, bit the hands that feed them!”
“The tigers have no fault at all,” claims Ms M. O. Yee. “The fault lies with the Zoo allowing all tom, dick and harry to get near those sacred beings. I suggest the Zoo to conduct entrance test for all visitors and stream them accordingly into EM1, EM2 and EM3. Ferry the elite EM1 visitors on a through train that brings them directly to the white tigers enclosure. Let the ordinary EM2 visitors walk all the way there, so that they will be too tired to climb over the fence when they reach. As for those EM3 visitors who do not even know that ‘I Not Stupid’ is structurally wrong, we should restrict them to visiting rabbits!”
“Instead of punishing the tigers for what it did wrong,” explores Ms Hoe Lis Tick, “why not reward them for doing what’s right? Instead of using the stick as always, why not offer the carrot instead? Huh? Yes, I know tigers are carnivorous animal and don’t eat carrots. What I mean is we can encourage them to behave better by offering some rewards right? Like, maybe some sort of monetary payout? All we need is to push them to work harder and generate more revenues for the Zoo, then take some cash from their left pockets and stuff them into their right.”
“I want to offer the Zoo a win-win-win solution!” declares Mr An Ler Sze. “Legalise tiger mauling as a form of euthanasia! In this way, the person who wants to die still gets to die. The Zoo gets an extra visitor, and the tigers get an extra meal!”
Anybody with other suggestions are welcome to contact the Singapore Zoo directly. Person with the best suggestion will win an all expenses paid 3 days 2 nights stay at the Singapore Zoo White Tiger Enclosure.
“Tentatively,” said Mr Gore Rileer, “we will usher all visitors into a steel cage the moment they come to the Zoo. Instead of letting people walk all over the Zoo, potentially falling into the Tiger Enclosure, we will let the animals come visit the humans in cage instead. We hereby urge all visitors not to accept any bananas offered to them by our animals.”
The general public has also generously offered suggestions on the possible actions Singapore Zoo can take.
“In western medical terms,” explained Dr Tok Cai Tau, “we treat symptoms by symptoms. The tigers like to bite right? Then just remove the cause! Extract all the teeth of the tigers will solve the problem once and for all. Anyway, Singaporeans are always known as toothless tigers who, when talk sibei kiang, but when action needed, all don’t know run where!”
“The Zoo should start identifying potential danger zones,” suggested Mr Yee Arh Pee. “Once the Zoo did that, then it can start imposing electronic charges on the visitors who still choose to visit the dangerous sites. During peak hours when the zookeepers are busiest, the electronic charges should also be the highest. This will force all visitors to plan their routes and only visit those non dangerous exhibits.”
“Long long time ago when the Zoo only has yellow tigers,” recalled Mr Geh Ang Moh, “such incidents never happened. But then the Zoo decided to import all this white tigers, raving how precious they are and how they can save the plunging economy. See what happens? Those white tigers snatched away all the jobs from the local tigers and worse still, bit the hands that feed them!”
“The tigers have no fault at all,” claims Ms M. O. Yee. “The fault lies with the Zoo allowing all tom, dick and harry to get near those sacred beings. I suggest the Zoo to conduct entrance test for all visitors and stream them accordingly into EM1, EM2 and EM3. Ferry the elite EM1 visitors on a through train that brings them directly to the white tigers enclosure. Let the ordinary EM2 visitors walk all the way there, so that they will be too tired to climb over the fence when they reach. As for those EM3 visitors who do not even know that ‘I Not Stupid’ is structurally wrong, we should restrict them to visiting rabbits!”
“Instead of punishing the tigers for what it did wrong,” explores Ms Hoe Lis Tick, “why not reward them for doing what’s right? Instead of using the stick as always, why not offer the carrot instead? Huh? Yes, I know tigers are carnivorous animal and don’t eat carrots. What I mean is we can encourage them to behave better by offering some rewards right? Like, maybe some sort of monetary payout? All we need is to push them to work harder and generate more revenues for the Zoo, then take some cash from their left pockets and stuff them into their right.”
“I want to offer the Zoo a win-win-win solution!” declares Mr An Ler Sze. “Legalise tiger mauling as a form of euthanasia! In this way, the person who wants to die still gets to die. The Zoo gets an extra visitor, and the tigers get an extra meal!”
Anybody with other suggestions are welcome to contact the Singapore Zoo directly. Person with the best suggestion will win an all expenses paid 3 days 2 nights stay at the Singapore Zoo White Tiger Enclosure.
Friday, November 14, 2008
CowShlt Inc Offers Expatriate Contract to White Tiger
The industry was reeling with shock after the sudden announcement from Mr Gu Sai, CEO of CowShlt Inc, that his company has offered Mr White Tiger, an armature assassin, the top benefits of an expatriate contract.
“White Tiger helms a proven track record of mauling and was the pivotal player in successfully producing the first killing in our child company, the Singapore Zoological Garden,” said Mr Gu Sai. “Once again White Tiger has proven that foreign talents do the job better than locals. Just look at him! He’s white! What else needs to be said?”
While many people have casted doubts over Mr White Tiger’s capabilities by just one kill, Mr Gu Sai is confident of his judgment.
“ScoobyDaddy works in the zoo,” explained My Gu Sai, “and it was a well known fact that he constantly makes passes at my Personal Assistant, Ms CowBoo. So I arranged for ScoobyDaddy to perform a role play of 武松打虎 to entertain our crowd yesterday. It was then whereby White Tiger stroke and got the kill precisely.”
It was unknown to Mr Gu Sai that the actual staff who went into the tigers den was not ScoobyDaddy himself, but just a stand-in, Mr Carl la Fare.
“Damn heng ah!” blurted out Mr ScoobyDaddy. “Just before the show I decided to snack on our CEO’s favourite food – sugar coated sor ta biah with Chinese tea. After eating that, I lao sai until I cannot walk. So without any choice, I got Carl to stand-in for me and covered his face with a pail to prevent Mr Gu Sai from recognizing him. But ends up, he became my scapegoat! So it was really me who 送羊入虎口!!”
“White Tiger helms a proven track record of mauling and was the pivotal player in successfully producing the first killing in our child company, the Singapore Zoological Garden,” said Mr Gu Sai. “Once again White Tiger has proven that foreign talents do the job better than locals. Just look at him! He’s white! What else needs to be said?”
While many people have casted doubts over Mr White Tiger’s capabilities by just one kill, Mr Gu Sai is confident of his judgment.
“ScoobyDaddy works in the zoo,” explained My Gu Sai, “and it was a well known fact that he constantly makes passes at my Personal Assistant, Ms CowBoo. So I arranged for ScoobyDaddy to perform a role play of 武松打虎 to entertain our crowd yesterday. It was then whereby White Tiger stroke and got the kill precisely.”
It was unknown to Mr Gu Sai that the actual staff who went into the tigers den was not ScoobyDaddy himself, but just a stand-in, Mr Carl la Fare.
“Damn heng ah!” blurted out Mr ScoobyDaddy. “Just before the show I decided to snack on our CEO’s favourite food – sugar coated sor ta biah with Chinese tea. After eating that, I lao sai until I cannot walk. So without any choice, I got Carl to stand-in for me and covered his face with a pail to prevent Mr Gu Sai from recognizing him. But ends up, he became my scapegoat! So it was really me who 送羊入虎口!!”
Friday, October 31, 2008
CowShlt Inc Staffs Brace Themselves for Inter-departmental Halloween Bash
The entire premises of CowShlt Inc have been buzzing with last minute touch-ups for their Halloween bash tonight.
“This is going to be the greatest party of the century!” declares Mr Gu Sai, CEO of CowShlt Inc. “This Halloween party not only allows all staffs to let their hair down - literally, but also promotes cohesiveness among all departments!”
It is understood that each department in CowShlt Inc is to dress up their manager as a Halloween figure that will “scare the hell out of themselves”.
“By making them become what they are most afraid of," explains Mr Gu Sai, "I am actually helping them combat their greatest fear. As a prime example myself, I will be dressing up as a 12-inch Subway’s sandwich, being kar-char into halves, with the white mayonnaise flowing out constantly without control!”
“I am very confident of being the most frightful figure tonight,” beams Mr Saab Prime, the Finance Department Manager. “My deputy and I will be dressed as the Lehman Brothers while all my staffs will harass staffs from other departments into buying high risk investment scheme disguise as fixed deposit product. Hell! I even have props! Look at this stock market chart and my downward pointing arrow! Do they send a chill down your spine?”
“Cutting operating cost has always been our core objective,” says Mr Kee Gei Leow, the Maintenance Department Manager. “With this thought in mind, we are using only recycled materials as props. My staffs have kindly donated many of their children’s angpow packets to dress me into a giant red colour SP Power bill. And you know what will strike the most fear? Look at this statement printed in bold – 21% INCREASE FROM OCTOBER 2008. Ask you scare or not!”
“I have enough reasons to believe my dress up is the most elaborate,” says Mr Peh En Paye, the Delivery Department Manager. “I will be totally wrapped in sheetmetal with a electronic display board. And to fit into this costume, I have to bend myself over, resulting in such a vulnerable position. Then my staffs who are dressed in white will come and screw me from behind, but all I can say is Beep Beep Beep! You guessed it right! I’m dressed as the f***ing ERP gantry!”
“Sadly to say,” sighs Ms Lee Trenchman, the Human Resource Department Manager, “I will be transformed into the most hideous creature on Earth tonight. Most people see HR staffs as people who just dress up nicely and forever having tea breaks. To counter this misconception, I will be as ugly as possible and hand out free snacks for all tonight instead. The snack will be what I’m dressed as – fried cuttlefish.”
And as usual, the seven Personal Assistants of Mr Gu Sai are putting up an united front for the bash. “We sisters are so alike to the extent of even having the same fear,” echo BCCCCR+Y in unison. “Our dress up for tonight’s Halloween bash is extremely simple. Just a simple uniformed colour gown with two pink stripes across our slim waists. What are we? We are a pregnancy test kit tested positive!”
“This is going to be the greatest party of the century!” declares Mr Gu Sai, CEO of CowShlt Inc. “This Halloween party not only allows all staffs to let their hair down - literally, but also promotes cohesiveness among all departments!”
It is understood that each department in CowShlt Inc is to dress up their manager as a Halloween figure that will “scare the hell out of themselves”.
“By making them become what they are most afraid of," explains Mr Gu Sai, "I am actually helping them combat their greatest fear. As a prime example myself, I will be dressing up as a 12-inch Subway’s sandwich, being kar-char into halves, with the white mayonnaise flowing out constantly without control!”
“I am very confident of being the most frightful figure tonight,” beams Mr Saab Prime, the Finance Department Manager. “My deputy and I will be dressed as the Lehman Brothers while all my staffs will harass staffs from other departments into buying high risk investment scheme disguise as fixed deposit product. Hell! I even have props! Look at this stock market chart and my downward pointing arrow! Do they send a chill down your spine?”
“Cutting operating cost has always been our core objective,” says Mr Kee Gei Leow, the Maintenance Department Manager. “With this thought in mind, we are using only recycled materials as props. My staffs have kindly donated many of their children’s angpow packets to dress me into a giant red colour SP Power bill. And you know what will strike the most fear? Look at this statement printed in bold – 21% INCREASE FROM OCTOBER 2008. Ask you scare or not!”
“I have enough reasons to believe my dress up is the most elaborate,” says Mr Peh En Paye, the Delivery Department Manager. “I will be totally wrapped in sheetmetal with a electronic display board. And to fit into this costume, I have to bend myself over, resulting in such a vulnerable position. Then my staffs who are dressed in white will come and screw me from behind, but all I can say is Beep Beep Beep! You guessed it right! I’m dressed as the f***ing ERP gantry!”
“Sadly to say,” sighs Ms Lee Trenchman, the Human Resource Department Manager, “I will be transformed into the most hideous creature on Earth tonight. Most people see HR staffs as people who just dress up nicely and forever having tea breaks. To counter this misconception, I will be as ugly as possible and hand out free snacks for all tonight instead. The snack will be what I’m dressed as – fried cuttlefish.”
And as usual, the seven Personal Assistants of Mr Gu Sai are putting up an united front for the bash. “We sisters are so alike to the extent of even having the same fear,” echo BCCCCR+Y in unison. “Our dress up for tonight’s Halloween bash is extremely simple. Just a simple uniformed colour gown with two pink stripes across our slim waists. What are we? We are a pregnancy test kit tested positive!”
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
CowShlt Inc Launches All Inclusive Wedding Preparation Course
The market is abuzz today with the launch of a totally new wedding preparation course by the world renowned CowShlt Inc, the One-stop Nuptial Study (ONS).
“This is an entirely new concept in the wedding industry,” declares Mr Gu Sai, CEO of CowShlt Inc. “ONS will prepare you for all aspects of your marriage lives. Unlike conventional wedding preparation courses which only help you in managing marital expectations, ONS takes a deeper stance on marriage, from beginning to the end.”
It was understood that ONS teaches the following modules to its students.
1. Looking Pretty and Catching Your Desired Birdy
To be a blissful bride, you must be at your prettiest during your wedding. And even though it was widely believed that marriage is a gamble, ONS believes that choosing your husband shouldn’t be one.
“I always like to say that the biggest bird may not be the strongest,” says Ms bEll, the course instructor and personal assistant to Mr Gu Sai. “The catch is knowing what bird you really want and how to catch the right bird. And if you are pretty like me, all birds flock to you literally.”
2. Shopping for the Right Wedding Stuffs
From the wedding gown, to the floral arrangements, to the wedding dinner door gifts, there are thousands of items to purchase. While other wedding planners have the tendency to burn a hole in your pocket, ONS teaches you how to save, save, save.
“Finding bargain has always been my forte,” declares Ms Cammy, the course instructor and personal assistant to Mr Gu Sai. “From China to America to Antarctica, you name it, I spree it! And if your spree exceeds $50000, we will throw in 2 bottles of Pokka Honeysuckle White Tea, absolutely free! Huh? Your husband has G6PD Deficiency huh? Then our CEO will drink them on his behalf loh!”
3. How to Do Housework with Charm
Marriage is a bed of roses, only that this bed requires to be made in the morning. ONS firmly believes one does not need to be relegated to the realm of 黄脸婆 when managing the house. In fact, you can look really charming while dusting off in your chambermaid outfit.
“Just look at how pinky my face is,” says Ms Charmed, the course instructor and personal assistant to Mr Gu Sai. “Chambermaid has always been the ultimate sexual fantasy of all men, so there must be something sensual about doing housework. The moaning and sweat from being all exhausted……. Now, if you will excuse me, I need to get into my CEO’s office and climb up the ladder to retrieve a book from the top shelf.”
4. Get Daring, Spice It Up!
What is food without spices and what is marriage without sex? ONS teaches you how to blend the two together seamlessly.
“Ever wondered why spices and sex both start with S?” muses Ms CowBoo, the course instructor and personal assistant to Mr Gu Sai. “It’s because they complement each other perfectly. Men always like their women hot right? ONS teaches you the perfect usage of chilli padi! No, it’s not the leftover chilli padi from CowShlt Inc Childcare Centre. Too hot? Then cool down with our extra large cucumber, guaranteed to give you the most juice and satisfaction….”
5. A Legal Approach to the Big D
Starting a race is always easy but ending it with stamina is a different story. To be a truly inclusive wedding preparation course, ONS also teaches you how to end the marriage amicably.
“Most women divorce because they feel squeezed by their marriage,” explains Ms Yazzy, the course instructor and personal assistant to Mr Gu Sai. “So when the marriage is finally over, we will teach you how to turn the table around and squeeze the hell out from your husband instead! My personal favourite is taking him for a skydiving trip without the parachute.”
6. Chasing After Delayed Alimony
Some men can be damn chao kuan, ONS fully endorse this view. So what shall you do if your ex-husband refuse to pay your rightful alimony?
“Scare the hell out of the bugger lah!” exclaim Ms Casper, the course instructor and personal assistant to Mr Gu Sai. “I was born one day after Halloween in Singapore, but at that very hour, it was Halloween at its best in America! Being a local born Angmoh Gui, I will teach you how to customize your scaring tactic according to your tradition belief!”
“As so you can see,” gleams Mr Gu Sai, “ONS really equips you with the necessary skill to manage your marriage in all stages. However, one important aspect is when to execute what you have learnt in ONS. Timing is very important. As such, allow me to introduce to you my most newly acquired personal assistant, Ms Rolex. She will teach you how to time action zhun zhun. Otherwise, you release the pontinak to chase after your alimony in the daytime then how? Huh? No worry lah! This Rolex is definitely not from Bangkok pasar malam. Just look at her figure, mann! Isn’t it the best evidence that she was acquired from Hourglass instead?”
Application for ONS is officially open. Interested applicant, please call 1800-COWSHIT. Idobaby members get a special discount by stating their nickname during application.
“This is an entirely new concept in the wedding industry,” declares Mr Gu Sai, CEO of CowShlt Inc. “ONS will prepare you for all aspects of your marriage lives. Unlike conventional wedding preparation courses which only help you in managing marital expectations, ONS takes a deeper stance on marriage, from beginning to the end.”
It was understood that ONS teaches the following modules to its students.
1. Looking Pretty and Catching Your Desired Birdy
To be a blissful bride, you must be at your prettiest during your wedding. And even though it was widely believed that marriage is a gamble, ONS believes that choosing your husband shouldn’t be one.
“I always like to say that the biggest bird may not be the strongest,” says Ms bEll, the course instructor and personal assistant to Mr Gu Sai. “The catch is knowing what bird you really want and how to catch the right bird. And if you are pretty like me, all birds flock to you literally.”
2. Shopping for the Right Wedding Stuffs
From the wedding gown, to the floral arrangements, to the wedding dinner door gifts, there are thousands of items to purchase. While other wedding planners have the tendency to burn a hole in your pocket, ONS teaches you how to save, save, save.
“Finding bargain has always been my forte,” declares Ms Cammy, the course instructor and personal assistant to Mr Gu Sai. “From China to America to Antarctica, you name it, I spree it! And if your spree exceeds $50000, we will throw in 2 bottles of Pokka Honeysuckle White Tea, absolutely free! Huh? Your husband has G6PD Deficiency huh? Then our CEO will drink them on his behalf loh!”
3. How to Do Housework with Charm
Marriage is a bed of roses, only that this bed requires to be made in the morning. ONS firmly believes one does not need to be relegated to the realm of 黄脸婆 when managing the house. In fact, you can look really charming while dusting off in your chambermaid outfit.
“Just look at how pinky my face is,” says Ms Charmed, the course instructor and personal assistant to Mr Gu Sai. “Chambermaid has always been the ultimate sexual fantasy of all men, so there must be something sensual about doing housework. The moaning and sweat from being all exhausted……. Now, if you will excuse me, I need to get into my CEO’s office and climb up the ladder to retrieve a book from the top shelf.”
4. Get Daring, Spice It Up!
What is food without spices and what is marriage without sex? ONS teaches you how to blend the two together seamlessly.
“Ever wondered why spices and sex both start with S?” muses Ms CowBoo, the course instructor and personal assistant to Mr Gu Sai. “It’s because they complement each other perfectly. Men always like their women hot right? ONS teaches you the perfect usage of chilli padi! No, it’s not the leftover chilli padi from CowShlt Inc Childcare Centre. Too hot? Then cool down with our extra large cucumber, guaranteed to give you the most juice and satisfaction….”
5. A Legal Approach to the Big D
Starting a race is always easy but ending it with stamina is a different story. To be a truly inclusive wedding preparation course, ONS also teaches you how to end the marriage amicably.
“Most women divorce because they feel squeezed by their marriage,” explains Ms Yazzy, the course instructor and personal assistant to Mr Gu Sai. “So when the marriage is finally over, we will teach you how to turn the table around and squeeze the hell out from your husband instead! My personal favourite is taking him for a skydiving trip without the parachute.”
6. Chasing After Delayed Alimony
Some men can be damn chao kuan, ONS fully endorse this view. So what shall you do if your ex-husband refuse to pay your rightful alimony?
“Scare the hell out of the bugger lah!” exclaim Ms Casper, the course instructor and personal assistant to Mr Gu Sai. “I was born one day after Halloween in Singapore, but at that very hour, it was Halloween at its best in America! Being a local born Angmoh Gui, I will teach you how to customize your scaring tactic according to your tradition belief!”
“As so you can see,” gleams Mr Gu Sai, “ONS really equips you with the necessary skill to manage your marriage in all stages. However, one important aspect is when to execute what you have learnt in ONS. Timing is very important. As such, allow me to introduce to you my most newly acquired personal assistant, Ms Rolex. She will teach you how to time action zhun zhun. Otherwise, you release the pontinak to chase after your alimony in the daytime then how? Huh? No worry lah! This Rolex is definitely not from Bangkok pasar malam. Just look at her figure, mann! Isn’t it the best evidence that she was acquired from Hourglass instead?”
Application for ONS is officially open. Interested applicant, please call 1800-COWSHIT. Idobaby members get a special discount by stating their nickname during application.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
CowShlt Inc CEO Allows Foreign Employees to Use Common Toilets in Level 3
Despite many protest from the white collared workers in CowShlt Inc, its CEO, Mr Gu Sai, has given the green light for foreign employees working on Level 2 and below to use the common toilets situated at Level 3.
CowShlt Inc office building has a total of 5 levels. It is understood that the top floor, Level 5, is occupied by its CEO, Mr Gu Sai, and his 6 executive secretaries code-named BCCCC+Y. All departmental managers with monthly income of more than $8000 are housed at Level 4. Level 3 is occupied by the executives while Levels 2 and 1 comprise the non-executives. Foreign workers who are Caucasians are automatically housed at Level 4 regardless of their abilities. Foreign workers who came from countries with standards of living lower than Singapore are banished to Level 1.
With tremendous expansion, CowShlt Inc resorted to recruiting large numbers of workers from developing countries. As such, the toilet facilities in Level 1 become inevitably insufficient. One idea brought up that time was to convert an unused toilet in Level 3 into a common toilet for the foreign workers. This suggestion, however, was met with strong resistance, especially from staffs at Level 3.
“How can such an idea be accepted?” wails Mr Silingong bin Gardun. “We are executives while they are lowly workers. They do not deserve to step on to Level 3 at all!”
“Level 3 is already so crowded, given the existence of the pantry,” concurs Mr Chin Hao Lian. “With those workers from Level 1 crowding our corridor, how are we going to around without coming in contact with their dirty bodies? Don’t forget that we executives at Level 3 have our bums as big as our egos!”
“And you know what?” chips in Mr Prop Per Tee. “The health product which I normally sell for an exorbitant price will now suffer a drop in value due to image loss! Imagine me having my angmoh customers visiting my showroom just to associate my products with those lowly people!”
To appease the anger of Level 3 staffs, Mr Gu Sai has announced that a special passageway will be built specially for the Level 1 people to access the common toilet.
“We will build a ladder behind the building for the Level 1 staffs to access the toilet,” explains Mr Gu Sai. “And after they have completed their business, they will slide down using this shiny fireman pole, build entirely on chrome. Don’t look down on these two items OK? They cost a hefty $2m hor! As for the pantry at Level 3, it will be visible to the Level 1 people, but they lan lan, can see but cannot touch.”
When commented that this move doesn’t seem humane, Mr Gu Sai replies, “What? You mean the Level 1 staffs are actually human? From the response of the Level 3 staffs, I thought we actually employed monkeys! Darn! So what should I do with the truckloads of peanuts I just bought to be used as salary for the Level 1 staffs?”
On a separate note, Mr Gu Sai announces that whoever caught napping in the toilets will be fined $200 for “misuse of common properties”.
CowShlt Inc office building has a total of 5 levels. It is understood that the top floor, Level 5, is occupied by its CEO, Mr Gu Sai, and his 6 executive secretaries code-named BCCCC+Y. All departmental managers with monthly income of more than $8000 are housed at Level 4. Level 3 is occupied by the executives while Levels 2 and 1 comprise the non-executives. Foreign workers who are Caucasians are automatically housed at Level 4 regardless of their abilities. Foreign workers who came from countries with standards of living lower than Singapore are banished to Level 1.
With tremendous expansion, CowShlt Inc resorted to recruiting large numbers of workers from developing countries. As such, the toilet facilities in Level 1 become inevitably insufficient. One idea brought up that time was to convert an unused toilet in Level 3 into a common toilet for the foreign workers. This suggestion, however, was met with strong resistance, especially from staffs at Level 3.
“How can such an idea be accepted?” wails Mr Silingong bin Gardun. “We are executives while they are lowly workers. They do not deserve to step on to Level 3 at all!”
“Level 3 is already so crowded, given the existence of the pantry,” concurs Mr Chin Hao Lian. “With those workers from Level 1 crowding our corridor, how are we going to around without coming in contact with their dirty bodies? Don’t forget that we executives at Level 3 have our bums as big as our egos!”
“And you know what?” chips in Mr Prop Per Tee. “The health product which I normally sell for an exorbitant price will now suffer a drop in value due to image loss! Imagine me having my angmoh customers visiting my showroom just to associate my products with those lowly people!”
To appease the anger of Level 3 staffs, Mr Gu Sai has announced that a special passageway will be built specially for the Level 1 people to access the common toilet.
“We will build a ladder behind the building for the Level 1 staffs to access the toilet,” explains Mr Gu Sai. “And after they have completed their business, they will slide down using this shiny fireman pole, build entirely on chrome. Don’t look down on these two items OK? They cost a hefty $2m hor! As for the pantry at Level 3, it will be visible to the Level 1 people, but they lan lan, can see but cannot touch.”
When commented that this move doesn’t seem humane, Mr Gu Sai replies, “What? You mean the Level 1 staffs are actually human? From the response of the Level 3 staffs, I thought we actually employed monkeys! Darn! So what should I do with the truckloads of peanuts I just bought to be used as salary for the Level 1 staffs?”
On a separate note, Mr Gu Sai announces that whoever caught napping in the toilets will be fined $200 for “misuse of common properties”.
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