Staffs from CowShlt Inc are apparently furious over a recent ban from the top management on them practicing YOGA. The reason for banning this practice was apparently that it will erode the faith of CowShlt Inc adopted belief, Crapsology.
“All staffs in CowShlt Inc must fully devote themselves to Crapsology, and Crapslogy only,” declared Mr Gu Sai, CEO of CowShlt Inc. “Crapsology is an ideology founded by the great Holy Crap. We had been practicing it ever since CowShlt Inc was formed. For that, it is reason enough to ban our staffs from coming into contact with any other beliefs”
It was understood that the belief, You’re Only Getting Advanced, or YOGA in short, was founded by an Indian guru thousands of years ago, but was getting increasingly popular especially among the young and educated. Practitioners of this ancient art make use of emerging technologies and slogans shouting to increase their self-beliefs.
“I used to think getting to work was all craps,” said Mr Seh Kor, “until I started practicing YOGA. YOGA taught me how to spread my workload using advanced technology. Now, with emails reaching me 24 hours a day, my entire life is craps. Getting to work became a much happier event!”
“I used to be a person without any passion for my job,” confessed Ms Jiak Zhua, “until YOGA pointed me to the correct direction. I start my day in the office by shouting the YOGA slogan ‘I love my job!’ multiple times. And I’m sure you had heard it before. A lie, when told multiple times, can be perceived as reality. So although I am practically still doing nothing in office now, I have embraced the idea that I actually love such a job!”
“It’s not a matter of whether the belief promotes good or bad,” explains Mr Gu Sai. “Crapsology doesn’t work this way. YOGA tries to impose logic on whatever it preaches, and logic is something Crapsology absolutely oppose to. Don’t ask me the logic behind such crap logic as it is the Crapsology logic to not have any logic!”
On a separate note, Mr Gu Sai revealed that CowShlt Inc is presently reviewing on whether to grant access to Taiwanese heartthrob Yoga Lin to perform at CowShlt Inc annual Dinner & Dance.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Zoo Still Undecided on Action to Take to Prevent Future Mauling by Tigers
Few days after the mauling of a contract worker by the white tigers, the Singapore Zoo is still undecided on what action it can take to prevent future incidents from happening.
“Tentatively,” said Mr Gore Rileer, “we will usher all visitors into a steel cage the moment they come to the Zoo. Instead of letting people walk all over the Zoo, potentially falling into the Tiger Enclosure, we will let the animals come visit the humans in cage instead. We hereby urge all visitors not to accept any bananas offered to them by our animals.”
The general public has also generously offered suggestions on the possible actions Singapore Zoo can take.
“In western medical terms,” explained Dr Tok Cai Tau, “we treat symptoms by symptoms. The tigers like to bite right? Then just remove the cause! Extract all the teeth of the tigers will solve the problem once and for all. Anyway, Singaporeans are always known as toothless tigers who, when talk sibei kiang, but when action needed, all don’t know run where!”
“The Zoo should start identifying potential danger zones,” suggested Mr Yee Arh Pee. “Once the Zoo did that, then it can start imposing electronic charges on the visitors who still choose to visit the dangerous sites. During peak hours when the zookeepers are busiest, the electronic charges should also be the highest. This will force all visitors to plan their routes and only visit those non dangerous exhibits.”
“Long long time ago when the Zoo only has yellow tigers,” recalled Mr Geh Ang Moh, “such incidents never happened. But then the Zoo decided to import all this white tigers, raving how precious they are and how they can save the plunging economy. See what happens? Those white tigers snatched away all the jobs from the local tigers and worse still, bit the hands that feed them!”
“The tigers have no fault at all,” claims Ms M. O. Yee. “The fault lies with the Zoo allowing all tom, dick and harry to get near those sacred beings. I suggest the Zoo to conduct entrance test for all visitors and stream them accordingly into EM1, EM2 and EM3. Ferry the elite EM1 visitors on a through train that brings them directly to the white tigers enclosure. Let the ordinary EM2 visitors walk all the way there, so that they will be too tired to climb over the fence when they reach. As for those EM3 visitors who do not even know that ‘I Not Stupid’ is structurally wrong, we should restrict them to visiting rabbits!”
“Instead of punishing the tigers for what it did wrong,” explores Ms Hoe Lis Tick, “why not reward them for doing what’s right? Instead of using the stick as always, why not offer the carrot instead? Huh? Yes, I know tigers are carnivorous animal and don’t eat carrots. What I mean is we can encourage them to behave better by offering some rewards right? Like, maybe some sort of monetary payout? All we need is to push them to work harder and generate more revenues for the Zoo, then take some cash from their left pockets and stuff them into their right.”
“I want to offer the Zoo a win-win-win solution!” declares Mr An Ler Sze. “Legalise tiger mauling as a form of euthanasia! In this way, the person who wants to die still gets to die. The Zoo gets an extra visitor, and the tigers get an extra meal!”
Anybody with other suggestions are welcome to contact the Singapore Zoo directly. Person with the best suggestion will win an all expenses paid 3 days 2 nights stay at the Singapore Zoo White Tiger Enclosure.
“Tentatively,” said Mr Gore Rileer, “we will usher all visitors into a steel cage the moment they come to the Zoo. Instead of letting people walk all over the Zoo, potentially falling into the Tiger Enclosure, we will let the animals come visit the humans in cage instead. We hereby urge all visitors not to accept any bananas offered to them by our animals.”
The general public has also generously offered suggestions on the possible actions Singapore Zoo can take.
“In western medical terms,” explained Dr Tok Cai Tau, “we treat symptoms by symptoms. The tigers like to bite right? Then just remove the cause! Extract all the teeth of the tigers will solve the problem once and for all. Anyway, Singaporeans are always known as toothless tigers who, when talk sibei kiang, but when action needed, all don’t know run where!”
“The Zoo should start identifying potential danger zones,” suggested Mr Yee Arh Pee. “Once the Zoo did that, then it can start imposing electronic charges on the visitors who still choose to visit the dangerous sites. During peak hours when the zookeepers are busiest, the electronic charges should also be the highest. This will force all visitors to plan their routes and only visit those non dangerous exhibits.”
“Long long time ago when the Zoo only has yellow tigers,” recalled Mr Geh Ang Moh, “such incidents never happened. But then the Zoo decided to import all this white tigers, raving how precious they are and how they can save the plunging economy. See what happens? Those white tigers snatched away all the jobs from the local tigers and worse still, bit the hands that feed them!”
“The tigers have no fault at all,” claims Ms M. O. Yee. “The fault lies with the Zoo allowing all tom, dick and harry to get near those sacred beings. I suggest the Zoo to conduct entrance test for all visitors and stream them accordingly into EM1, EM2 and EM3. Ferry the elite EM1 visitors on a through train that brings them directly to the white tigers enclosure. Let the ordinary EM2 visitors walk all the way there, so that they will be too tired to climb over the fence when they reach. As for those EM3 visitors who do not even know that ‘I Not Stupid’ is structurally wrong, we should restrict them to visiting rabbits!”
“Instead of punishing the tigers for what it did wrong,” explores Ms Hoe Lis Tick, “why not reward them for doing what’s right? Instead of using the stick as always, why not offer the carrot instead? Huh? Yes, I know tigers are carnivorous animal and don’t eat carrots. What I mean is we can encourage them to behave better by offering some rewards right? Like, maybe some sort of monetary payout? All we need is to push them to work harder and generate more revenues for the Zoo, then take some cash from their left pockets and stuff them into their right.”
“I want to offer the Zoo a win-win-win solution!” declares Mr An Ler Sze. “Legalise tiger mauling as a form of euthanasia! In this way, the person who wants to die still gets to die. The Zoo gets an extra visitor, and the tigers get an extra meal!”
Anybody with other suggestions are welcome to contact the Singapore Zoo directly. Person with the best suggestion will win an all expenses paid 3 days 2 nights stay at the Singapore Zoo White Tiger Enclosure.
Friday, November 14, 2008
CowShlt Inc Offers Expatriate Contract to White Tiger
The industry was reeling with shock after the sudden announcement from Mr Gu Sai, CEO of CowShlt Inc, that his company has offered Mr White Tiger, an armature assassin, the top benefits of an expatriate contract.
“White Tiger helms a proven track record of mauling and was the pivotal player in successfully producing the first killing in our child company, the Singapore Zoological Garden,” said Mr Gu Sai. “Once again White Tiger has proven that foreign talents do the job better than locals. Just look at him! He’s white! What else needs to be said?”
While many people have casted doubts over Mr White Tiger’s capabilities by just one kill, Mr Gu Sai is confident of his judgment.
“ScoobyDaddy works in the zoo,” explained My Gu Sai, “and it was a well known fact that he constantly makes passes at my Personal Assistant, Ms CowBoo. So I arranged for ScoobyDaddy to perform a role play of 武松打虎 to entertain our crowd yesterday. It was then whereby White Tiger stroke and got the kill precisely.”
It was unknown to Mr Gu Sai that the actual staff who went into the tigers den was not ScoobyDaddy himself, but just a stand-in, Mr Carl la Fare.
“Damn heng ah!” blurted out Mr ScoobyDaddy. “Just before the show I decided to snack on our CEO’s favourite food – sugar coated sor ta biah with Chinese tea. After eating that, I lao sai until I cannot walk. So without any choice, I got Carl to stand-in for me and covered his face with a pail to prevent Mr Gu Sai from recognizing him. But ends up, he became my scapegoat! So it was really me who 送羊入虎口!!”
“White Tiger helms a proven track record of mauling and was the pivotal player in successfully producing the first killing in our child company, the Singapore Zoological Garden,” said Mr Gu Sai. “Once again White Tiger has proven that foreign talents do the job better than locals. Just look at him! He’s white! What else needs to be said?”
While many people have casted doubts over Mr White Tiger’s capabilities by just one kill, Mr Gu Sai is confident of his judgment.
“ScoobyDaddy works in the zoo,” explained My Gu Sai, “and it was a well known fact that he constantly makes passes at my Personal Assistant, Ms CowBoo. So I arranged for ScoobyDaddy to perform a role play of 武松打虎 to entertain our crowd yesterday. It was then whereby White Tiger stroke and got the kill precisely.”
It was unknown to Mr Gu Sai that the actual staff who went into the tigers den was not ScoobyDaddy himself, but just a stand-in, Mr Carl la Fare.
“Damn heng ah!” blurted out Mr ScoobyDaddy. “Just before the show I decided to snack on our CEO’s favourite food – sugar coated sor ta biah with Chinese tea. After eating that, I lao sai until I cannot walk. So without any choice, I got Carl to stand-in for me and covered his face with a pail to prevent Mr Gu Sai from recognizing him. But ends up, he became my scapegoat! So it was really me who 送羊入虎口!!”
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