Few days after the mauling of a contract worker by the white tigers, the Singapore Zoo is still undecided on what action it can take to prevent future incidents from happening.
“Tentatively,” said Mr Gore Rileer, “we will usher all visitors into a steel cage the moment they come to the Zoo. Instead of letting people walk all over the Zoo, potentially falling into the Tiger Enclosure, we will let the animals come visit the humans in cage instead. We hereby urge all visitors not to accept any bananas offered to them by our animals.”
The general public has also generously offered suggestions on the possible actions Singapore Zoo can take.
“In western medical terms,” explained Dr Tok Cai Tau, “we treat symptoms by symptoms. The tigers like to bite right? Then just remove the cause! Extract all the teeth of the tigers will solve the problem once and for all. Anyway, Singaporeans are always known as toothless tigers who, when talk sibei kiang, but when action needed, all don’t know run where!”
“The Zoo should start identifying potential danger zones,” suggested Mr Yee Arh Pee. “Once the Zoo did that, then it can start imposing electronic charges on the visitors who still choose to visit the dangerous sites. During peak hours when the zookeepers are busiest, the electronic charges should also be the highest. This will force all visitors to plan their routes and only visit those non dangerous exhibits.”
“Long long time ago when the Zoo only has yellow tigers,” recalled Mr Geh Ang Moh, “such incidents never happened. But then the Zoo decided to import all this white tigers, raving how precious they are and how they can save the plunging economy. See what happens? Those white tigers snatched away all the jobs from the local tigers and worse still, bit the hands that feed them!”
“The tigers have no fault at all,” claims Ms M. O. Yee. “The fault lies with the Zoo allowing all tom, dick and harry to get near those sacred beings. I suggest the Zoo to conduct entrance test for all visitors and stream them accordingly into EM1, EM2 and EM3. Ferry the elite EM1 visitors on a through train that brings them directly to the white tigers enclosure. Let the ordinary EM2 visitors walk all the way there, so that they will be too tired to climb over the fence when they reach. As for those EM3 visitors who do not even know that ‘I Not Stupid’ is structurally wrong, we should restrict them to visiting rabbits!”
“Instead of punishing the tigers for what it did wrong,” explores Ms Hoe Lis Tick, “why not reward them for doing what’s right? Instead of using the stick as always, why not offer the carrot instead? Huh? Yes, I know tigers are carnivorous animal and don’t eat carrots. What I mean is we can encourage them to behave better by offering some rewards right? Like, maybe some sort of monetary payout? All we need is to push them to work harder and generate more revenues for the Zoo, then take some cash from their left pockets and stuff them into their right.”
“I want to offer the Zoo a win-win-win solution!” declares Mr An Ler Sze. “Legalise tiger mauling as a form of euthanasia! In this way, the person who wants to die still gets to die. The Zoo gets an extra visitor, and the tigers get an extra meal!”
Anybody with other suggestions are welcome to contact the Singapore Zoo directly. Person with the best suggestion will win an all expenses paid 3 days 2 nights stay at the Singapore Zoo White Tiger Enclosure.