Cow Peh Reviews Movies for Halloween

Halloween is here again, Cowlings. While some Cows will be busily partying away with their ghostly party animals, some losers, I mean, lonesome Cows, will actually prefer to stay at home.

Not forgetting these lonesome Cows, Cow Peh thereby digs into his library of pirated DVDs, and recommends some of the best horror movies to view during Halloween.

1. The Devil Wears Prada



Storyline:
What can be more horrifying than the Devil himself? The Devil who armours himself with Prada. When the Devil who wears Prada strike, there no chance you can survive. No one has ever successfully struggle himself away from him. In the Devil’s very own words, “Eh eh eh….. You don’t anyhow struggle here struggle there hor. Look carefully here….. Prada OK? Later you accidentally torn my shirt huh, you cannot pay OK?!!”

Horror Ratings: 4 Pumpkins

2. 兄弟



Storyline:
Heavenly Tiger, which has attained sainthood, successfully resurrected 3 fellow tigers from the dead, and thus becoming 兄弟 instead of 好兄弟. There was another tiger, Betrayal Tiger, which chose a much different path and has since left the pack. Rumour has it that he actually stripped his tiger skin and is bent on haunting these 4 tigers, using his multiple award trophies as weapons.

Horror Ratings: 2 Pumpkins

3. 881



Storyline:
An avid gambler went to pray for 4D numbers during the Hungry Ghost Month. 3 digits, 881, rolled out in sequence. Tried as he might, the 4th digit simply refuse to separate from the mass of 10 paper balls. The avid gambler invested heavily on all combinations starting with 881, only to lose everything. He later found out that the hungry ghosts actually wanted papaya instead.

Horror Ratings: 2 Pumpkins

4. Lust, Caution



Storyline:
A couple engaged in some serious foreplay. Just before reaching the climax, they realised they had observed by their kids for a whole 7 minutes. All the passion potion backflowed into the generator, causing a massive explosion. This horror movie aims to warn all parents that when you are overcome with Lust, at least take Caution to lock your door.

Horror Ratings: 3 Pumpkins

5. Your Wedding Day Footage



Storyline:
Your day started earlier than the rooster. You got jostled from places to places. You perform funny acts and drink silly concoction just to get through the door. You empty your 10 years of savings to throw a banquet, only to realise that you don't know 75% of those who turned up. Your stupidity is taped down so that you can re-live your mistake over and over again.

Horror Ratings: 5 Pumpkins

Woman Sues Church of the Holy Cow for Trauma from Exorcism

A woman officially filed a lawsuit against the Church of the Holy Cow for post-effect trauma she is sufferring from as a result of an "unlicenced" exorcism.

The entire saga started on 29 Feb 2007 at the Church of the Holy Cow. Madam Con Mun Nee, 56, together with her son Mr Jiang Huang Hua and her daughter Ms Jiang Pian Hua, were at the church for a normal prayer.

"It was a Thursday that day," recalls Mdm Con, "and the Toto Group 1 prize money had snowballed passed $2 million. So there i was, at the Church of the Holy Cow, hoping to draw out 6 numbers. I was shaking myself vigorously because the last number simply refused to jump out from the cup. Then suddenly, 2 cows came over, grabbed my hands and pulled me into an exorcism room, claiming i was showing signs of being possessed!"

"My mother was held down by several cows," added Mr Jiang. "We Cantonese like to say you cannot force a cow's head down if it refuse to drink, but this is the first time i ever saw my mother's cow head being pinned to the ground!"

It was known that Mdm Con is seeking $3 million in compensation for the trauma she experienced. "$1 million is for the damage done. The other $2 million is for the loss of chance of winning 29 Feb's Toto!" explained Mdm Con.

Channel News CowShlt managed to get into contact with Father Poke Gai Liao, alleged priest who performed the exorcism.

"We have credible sources that support our claim that Mdm Con was indeed possessed. Our agent has reported seeing her mixing around some ghosts, which our agent claimed as 赌鬼."

When questioned on who is the agent, Father Poke showed us the agent portfolio.



The case will be heard in the District Court tomorrow afternoon. Mr Gu Sai, CEO of Channel News CowShlt, has specially assigned his beloved concubine, Ms Casper, to cover this ghostly event. Stay tuned.

Gu Sai's Apparent Disappearance - Mystery Solved

Breaking News

Supporters of CowShlt Inc have been wondering high and low on the apparent disappearance of their widely supported CEO, Mr Gu Sai.

"It has been 3 weeks 5 days 8 hours 27 minutes and 48 seconds since i last saw him," commented Milky Cow. "I had been waiting for him for so long until all my milk has run dry!"

"Yah..." lamented Creative Cow. "The Creative Department has been very uncreative lately. I think my brain has already grown moss while waiting for the return of our CEO!"

"And you know what?" chirped in Longkang Cow. "Everyday when i report at CowShlt Inc just to find out that our CEO is not around, my chest falls! Now my monsoon drain has greatly reduced itself to a tiny groove!"

The secret agents from Channel News CowShlt has brought back reports of sightings of Mr Gu Sai from three different instances.

The Bull Run® 2007, Singapore


Mr Gu Sai has been spotted donning his leather suit running around Shenton Way on 12 Oct 2007. It was understood that he was running after a carrot hanging from a stick. He was last seen grazing grass with his fellow cows in the Padang.




The 2007 Ig® Nobel Prize Ceremony, Massachusetts

Mr Gu Sai was publicly seen on stage with Ms Mayu Yamamoto on 4 Oct 2007 to receive the Ig Noble Prize for developing a way to extract vanillin from cow dung. It was reported that Mr Gu Sai actually went on a 48 days vanilla detox diet specially before producing the cow dung for Ms Mayu Yamamoto. Mr Gu Sai was observed to be munching loads of chocolate, presumably for Ms Mayu Yamamoto's next project of extracting choco from cow dung.


Toilet-Shaped Home, Seoul

It was understood that Mr Gu Sai was specially invited by Mr Sim Jae Duck who holds the nickname of 'Mayor Toilet', to officiate the grand opening of his toilet-shaped home. Mr Gu Sai has been Mr Sim's adviser throughout the development of this project. Mr Gu Sai has provided many precious specimens to Mr Sim to ensure that his toilet-shape house is capable of flushing the biggest shlt. However, unconfirmed news also reported of tragedy striking during the final test phase of the project.

"There were quite a few of my co-workers doing the final touch-up of the house interior on that fateful day," recalled Mr Phua Chu Kang, the best contractor in Singapore, JB and now even Korea. "When they were at work, a sudden pile manure just rained down on them. My co-workers have no place to run. Alas, they all lost their lives when they found themselves to be in really deep shit...."

Mr Gu Sai has promised to return to CowShlt Inc as early as possible. But in the meantime, he still have to fly over to Cambodia to bail out his fellow cow which is in police custody for killing motorists.

Channel News CowShlt will bring you the latest news whenever available.

CowShlt Inc Launches New Stress Relief Drink!

Breaking News


With its competitor launching their Stress Release Milk, CowShlt Inc has taken swift action in launching its very own brand of stress relieving drink – CowsBerg beer!

With the tension in modern society mounting to a new high, city dwellers are constantly in the look for better, more efficient stress busters. One dairy company in Japan has already launched its “super-premium milk for stressed-out adults” at the price of about ¥5000 for a bottle of 900mm.

“We understand that our fellow competitor has already launched their premium milk to relief stress,” said Mr Gu Sai, CEO of CowShlt Inc. “However, it is a deliberate move to launch CowsBerg beer only after the launch of the premium milk. Our purpose is to have our customers to spend ¥5000 for a bottle of milk, only to find themselves having no more money for any other else and thus inducing even more stress. I am very sure the launch of CowsBerg beer now is a heaven-sent to them!”



Animal rights activists lauded CowShlt Inc attempt in liberating the Cows. The spokesman from the Movement of Ethical Animal Liberation (M.E.A.L) said, “We at M.E.A.L applaud CowShlt Inc for respecting the working conditions of its Cow. Manufacturer of the stress relieving milk actually milk their Cows once a week at the break of dawn. Imagine of the stress of the Cows to wake up 7-early 8-early just to have their tits squeezed! On the other hand, we observed that CowShlt Inc simply provides a bottle each to every Cows and feed them lots of water, which is really healthy. Somehow, the Cows will make their move behind a wall and when they reappeared, their empty bottles are all filled with CowsBerg beer! We can even hear them heaving, ‘Shiok ah! Shee-fok sai…..’ Imagine their job satisfaction at CowShlt Inc!”



In another related news, it was reported that Singapore’s largest parenting portal, IdoBaby, observed a sudden surge of posting in their Boilers Room. The site owner, Mr You Jinx, has this comment. “I suppose with the large consumption of CowsBerg beer, more people are now peeing on their bedsheet. Our Boilers Room provide the best place in Singapore , JB and even Batam for those consumers to hang their dirty laundry. I foresee a new collaboration with CowShlt Inc.”

Cow Peh Explores New Grassland

Cow Peh has successfully migrated to his new grassland in Shenton Way after one week of exodus. This piece of grassland on one look differs much from his old piece of land, namely Woodlands, which is definitely more suitable for woodpeckers instead.

What amaze Cow Peh most is how tall the trees on this grassland are. In Woodlands, the trees are at the most 7 canopies high. But the trees at the grassland are all majestic, with some almost poking through the sky. Cow Peh had a hard time locating his designated tree.



Cow Peh's tree is very near to Beautiful Cow and Cow Bu's trees, in fact his tree is smacked right at the centre of their two. But Cow Peh never got the chance to bump into any of them, given the large herds of Cows in Shenton Way . The only person he bumped into was Tua Pek Kong, whom invited Cow Peh to his modest house along Amoy Street . He vaguely mumbled four numbers to Cow Peh, but when Cow Peh tried calling him with the four numbers, the line didn't go through. Cow Peh also wonders why.

The Shenton Cows seems a very different breed from the Woodlands Cows. Woodlands Cows like to don very casual skin, but Shenton Cows looks so much more uptight. By uptight, Cow Peh meant that their upper bodies look very tight. Cow Peh always have a sudden urge for milk after seeing the Shenton Cows.



In general, the grass in Shenton Way cost much more than Woodlands grass. But to his surprise, Cow Peh was still able to find a $2 lunch of rice with three different grass! Cow Peh really likes to munch cheap grass. However, Cow Peh faces one problem - he could hardly find a seat. All the empty seats are mysteriously occupied by tissue paper packs, umbrella and newspaper. Cow Peh tried asking them whether they had finished their lunch, since no food was present in front of them. But all Cow Peh received were cold stares from some fellow Cows.

Cow Peh has ditched his bullock cart at home and now takes the train to Shenton Way daily. Cow Peh finds it a real enjoyment to see fellow Cows pushing and shoving to snatch a seat. He also finds it fun to observe Loving Twin Cows in close proximity. Somehow, Cow Peh's eye power can magically perform surgery and separate those co-joined twins. Although Cow Peh never received any thanks from them, he is contented inside to know that he has once again saved the less fortunate.

Cow Peh is still trying hard to adapt to his new grassland, but he is sure he can become just another successful Cash Cow of Shenton Way. Until then, CowStyle Magazine will continue to provide readers with exclusive full coverage of Cow Peh's foray into Shenton Way grassland!