CowShlt Inc and Bullshlt Ltd Bring Dispute Over Horsburgh Lightpost to Court

Unable to settle for the sovereignty over Horsburgh Lightpost which resides between the two companies, CowShlt Inc and Bullshlt Ltd brought the case for mediation to the country's highest court - the tennis court situated at the rooftop of UOB Building.

Both companies have agreed to abide to the final ruling and outcome from this court, to be judged by Chief Justice Liak Boh Kiew.

"The Horsburgh Lightpost was nobody's property when we first pasted our company's advertisement pamplet on it," claimed Mr Gu Sai, CEO of CowShlt Inc, as he served a powerful shot over to Mr Fei Hua, General Manager of Bullshlt Ltd.

"You don't talk cock lah!" exclaimed Mr Fei as he swings his racquette. "My lao peh told me long ago that Horsburgh Lightpost is actually ours. Just that we see you happily maintaining the lightpost, we keep quiet and let you carry on loh! Free one anyway mah!" The ball had landed back into Mr Gu's court again.

"Our security uncle has been patroling Horsburgh Lightpost every night for as long as i can remember. But now you suddenly draw a new floor plan and claim Horsburgh Lightpost as your property. How can suka-suka take away people's thing one?" rebuffed Mr Gu as he delivered a 180km/h forehand smash.

"You still dare to talk about your security uncle! Everytime he walks over to Horsburgh Lightpost, he will stand at the side and then whisper 'excuse, excuse' and then take a pee. Just look at the abundance of grass growing around Horsburgh Lightpost!" Mr Fei grunted as he flicked the ball over the net with a backhand.

"Can somebody at least score a point?" lamented CJ Liak.

The court hearing was brought to an abrupt halt when the ball suddenly crashed into CJ Liak's two front teeth while he was yawning, effectively delivering a total knockout on Mr CJ Liak. Both Mr Gu and Mr Fei have disclaimed their involvement in that smash.

The court is adjourned to a further date.

CowShlt Inc Launches Brand New Financial Line

CowShlt Inc sets up new financial arm, launches new investment line for the financial savvy.

Riding on the hot trend in the investment market, CowShlt Inc jumped into the bandwagon and sets up its exclusive financial arm - CashCow Empire, and launches its very own investment line.

"Today marks the official launch of our highly lucrative investment line - Special Consumer Advanced Money (S.C.A.M)," declares Mr Boh Lui Liao, general manager of CashCow Empire. "S.C.A.M gives you the opportunity to increase your profit without ends!"

"S.C.A.M is a top-of-the-range, state-of-the-art line of investment scheme," explains Ms Tek Ann Run, a pioneer trader of S.C.A.M appointed by CowShlt Inc. "All you need to do is use $12000 to purchase a distributor rights from CashCow Empire. With the rights, you are able to sell our exclusive range of CashCow products over your virtual shop."

When questioned on the products being sold, Ms Tek replied, "It's a very exclusive range of fabric. The quality is so good that they are only used to manufacture the Emperor's New Clothes."

The CEO of CowShlt Inc, Mr Gu Sai, likens himself to Mr Warren Buffet, 2nd richest man in the world.

"My investors all call me Singapore's Warren Buffet," said Mr Gu. "I am, in fact, better than Mr Buffet. I mean, who in this world still needs a warrant to eat buffet? Just look at me. Look at the queue outside. I have plenty of people serving themselves to me on a platter!"

Although S.C.A.M is making the talk of the town, not all investors are convinced. Singapore's top-selling insurance agent, Mr Wu Ngya Bor, made this comment on the condition of not staying in anonymity.

"I believe S.C.A.M is nothing but just an empty shell. The purpose is just to get as many people to invest as possible. When a person invests, he will have to recruit new sub-investors in order to earn any profit. And in turn, the sub-investors will have to recruit more sub-sub-investors in order to distribute the deposit as profit to a bigger pie now. The show will end when the sub-sub-sub-investors have finally run out of people to recruit as sub-sub-sub-sub-investors."

The financial consumer watchdog, Global Resistance to Extraordinary Enrichment Delusion (G.R.E.E.D), is also monitoring CashCow Empire.

"CashCow Empire claims that S.C.A.M makes money fall from the sky, that it is an idiot-proof financial line whereby everybody earns," G.R.E.E.D spokeperson proclaims. "However, i think it is obvious what CashCow Empire really meant is S.C.A.M is a real proof that those investors are indeed idiots!"

CowShlt Inc Won Over Title of Slowest Taxi in the World!

Breaking News!
Barely few weeks after Mr Lau Ah Pek had been conferred the much sought after title of owning the World's Slowest Taxi, CowShlt Inc has successfully wrestled away this honour with its own fleet of taxis - the 老牛拉车 fleet.

"CowShlt Inc is really efficient," lamented Mr Lau Ah Pek. "I was still thinking that i could have at least held on to the title for a while longer. It wasn't an easy feat for me to achieve you know? For my entire life, that was the only time when i was Number 1. But now, after just weeks......" Mr Lau Ah Pek chokes in tears and is too distraught to carry on speaking.

The World's Slowest Taxi Award was founded by 3 young men from the Great Britain. This award aims to recognise and reward deserving taxi drivers from all over the world who put safety and service above speed.

"The taxi industry has evolved greatly over the past few decades," explains Mr Chow Angmoh, co-founder of the World's Slowest Taxi Award. "Taxis nowadays are mostly equipped with wings and powerjets that allow them to zigzag through even the most congested road. I mean, what happened to the old belief of 'take a step back and enjoy the scenery'? We have always enjoyed being taken for a ride, even for a few more dollars! Thus we want to revolutionise the taxi industry completely. This award will bring the taxis back to the good old days, the days when Great Britain still colonise the world. We still do, don't we?"

When pressed for the rewards that accompanied being awarded as the World's Slowest Taxi, Mr Chow replied, "Free publicity. We will upload their services to YouTube and let the entire world knows!"

General Manager of the 老牛拉车 fleet, Mr Lau Gu (not related to Mr Lau Ah Pek), said this in his press statement. "We are truly honoured to add yet another trophy to CowShlt Inc. Being Singaporeans, we have long been drilled to target for Number 1 in everything we do. We are just happy to do Singapore and CowShlt Inc proud."

In another related nes, due to the ever rising cost of crude oil, CowShlt Inc will be launching a fuel-saver fleet of new taxis.

Thousands of Devotees Streaming to Offer Prayers to Cow God Tree

News Flash!

A recent accident along Jalan Gu-yu has left a tree trunk partially chipped off. Residents at this area were surprised to see fresh bark taking the form of a Cow. And after a devotee finally got pregnant after some prayers, thousands childless couple from all over Singapore started flocking to this once sleepy town, offer prayers to this mystical Cow God Tree.

“It was a clear night,” recalls Mr Kan Da Shu, volunteer-caretaker of Cow God Tree, “when I saw a young cow pacing around this tree looking for his Cow Peh and Cow Bu. But with a gush of wind and smoke, the Cow Kia suddenly vanished! The very next day, this holy image appears.”

“We had tried countless times working for a baby,” said Ms Milk (not her real name). “Never did we ever succeed. It was as if that my husband was only capable of planting a seed, but having no fertilizer in my womb for the seed to grow. Mr Kan offered me some black sticky substance after my prayers and instructed me to apply on my tummy. Truth to be told, I was found pregnant 2 weeks later!”



Residents from Jurong West, home to the Monkey God Tree, are naturally furious.
“Why the Jalan Gu-yu people everything also want to copy us one?” questioned Mr Lao Gao, volunteer-caretaker of Monkey God Tree. “We are blessed with the arrival of 孙悟空 and now they also claim to host 牛魔王! What’s next? Some cock neighbourhood declaring the appearance of some 鸡精?!”

The police is presently working with the Resident Committee of Jalan Gu-yu to resolve the heavy traffic congestion.

“My husband used to be backed before sunset,” laments a resident. “Nowadays, waiting for my husband is really like waiting for the Cow to come home leh!”

Open Invitation to Casper's Birthday Bash!

Casper, executive consultant to CowShlt Inc Netherworld Department, is celebrating her birthday TODAY, 1 Nov 2007! Yes, today! And it is of no coincidence that she was born just 1 day after Halloween. As a display of gratitude towards her constant contributions, CowShlt Inc sincerely invites all Cowlings to celebrate Casper's birthday with the largest party of all time!

Event Information

Date: 1 Nov 2007
Time: 11.59pm
Venue: 死人头坟场
Dress Code: Same as Casper (transparent lah!)

Come celebrate Casper's birthday on the lush, 6-stars 死人头坟场. Indulge yourself in our glorious food galore, proudly sponsored by Halloween Leftover Catering Services. The menu includes delicacies like Pumpkin Salad, Tempura Pumpkin, Skewed Pumpkins, Sweet and Sour Pumpkin, Pumpkin Fried Rice, Pumpkin Soup, and Pumpkin Ice Cream.

And of course, which party can do without games and contest? Lots of prizes await you!

Games and Contest Information

Longest Hair Contest against Pontianak



Pit your hair length against Pontianak. Stand to win a pair of scissors if your hair length exceeds hers.

High Jumping Contest against 僵尸先生



Test your bouncing skill against those of 僵尸先生. His last record was 5m, can you break it finally? Winner walks, i mean hops, away with a pair of boing boing shoes.

Drinking Contest against Count Dracula



Who can finish the most Bloody Marys within one minute? Count Dracula can down 8 in one glurp. Can you swallow that? Stand to win a lifetime supply of drinking straws.

Crawling Out of TV Contest against Sadako



A sheer test of strength and determination! Person who can crawl out from a TV faster than Sadako wins a free ringtone download.

So, Cowlings, hurry and prepare yourselves! Accomodation will be provided tonight! Choose to sleep in our super deluxe single coffin, deluxe twin-sharing coffin, or ultimate quad-sharing coffin. Out resident caretaker, Freddy Krueger, will ensure you get the sweetest dream of your life........