A height limit gantry, after being hit by a crane-attached lorry, fell and hit a taxi instead today along Sunset Way.
Both the taxi driver and his passenger were unhurt in the event.
“Can you find anyone more suay than me?” laments Mr Tio Tau Pio, the taxi driver. “Within one day, I was hit twice. When the rates at some ERP gantry went up, I was hit. Then this height limit gantry fell down, I also kenna hit! Think I better go pray pray to Tua Pek Kong tonight……”
This reporter was notified that the passenger in this taxi was the driver whose car were smashed by the falling branch along Bedok South Road on 15 Jan 2008.
The passenger, who refuse to give her name, said, “If the taxi uncle wants to compare suayness, then nobody beats me lah! Everywhere I drive to, there seems to be falling things. Now even when I kuai kuai take taxi, also kenna falling hazards. I prayed for money to fall from the sky, but I think Ti Kong misunderstood me and give me all this falling disasters instead!”
The lorry driver, a young man in his early twenties, is assisting the police with the investigation.
“I did retract the crane last night one,” he proclaimed. “But you know lah, cars are like men. With a crane so long and thick, it’s natural to rise up and extend itself early in the morning one mah! You should know lah, with all the fluid storing readily in the crane throughout the cold night, they will expand the moment the first sunlight shines on it. It’s a natural urge!”
This accident has lead to a swift decision by LTA. Its spokesperson, Ms Yee Arh Pee, held a press-release immediately stating “now that one height limit gantry has fallen down, LTA has no choice but to further raise the toll charges of other ERP gantries to recoup the replacement fee.”
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Thursday, January 24, 2008
RSAF Jets Scrambled to Intercept Private Plane
The RSAF did a quick job to intercept a private plane heading to Singapore without permission. Two of her missile-armed F16D jets took off around 6:45 pm and brought the single-engine turboprop Cessna 208 to land at the Changi Airport.
Just what did the two RSAF pilots said to the two Australian pilots to convince them to touch down so effectively? CowShlt Inc speculates…………………..
1. Congratulations! You are the 10,000th visitor to Singapore in 2008! Please proceed to Changi Airport now to claim your prize.
2. Do you know that flying is extremely dangerous? And if you can just give us 5 minutes, i will like to hop over and introduce you this insurance policy which will give you best coverage.
3. You land at Changi Airport now, i take to you Changi Village for nasi lemak. I branja!
4. Go to Changi Airport for refueling now! Got 20% discount, you know? Some more can earn loyalty points!
5. There’s an ERP gantry in front! Got bring Cashcard or not?
6. We had arranged a few Sarong Party Girls waiting for you at Changi Airport now leh………..
7. You here also to perform for the Air Show huh? If not why your tail side got so much smoke huh?
8. Orchard Road now got Chinese New Year sales leh, you know?
9. Stay in Singapore for free access to the casino, I mean, Integrated Resort lah!
10. If you still don’t touch down now, I will throw two baskets of durians at you!
11. You have won a 3-days-2-nights stay at your favourite hotel! However, you have to first attend a one-hour presentation at Changi Airport………
12. We are dying to leave Singapore. Can we get a hitchhike from you guys, please?
Just what did the two RSAF pilots said to the two Australian pilots to convince them to touch down so effectively? CowShlt Inc speculates…………………..
1. Congratulations! You are the 10,000th visitor to Singapore in 2008! Please proceed to Changi Airport now to claim your prize.
2. Do you know that flying is extremely dangerous? And if you can just give us 5 minutes, i will like to hop over and introduce you this insurance policy which will give you best coverage.
3. You land at Changi Airport now, i take to you Changi Village for nasi lemak. I branja!
4. Go to Changi Airport for refueling now! Got 20% discount, you know? Some more can earn loyalty points!
5. There’s an ERP gantry in front! Got bring Cashcard or not?
6. We had arranged a few Sarong Party Girls waiting for you at Changi Airport now leh………..
7. You here also to perform for the Air Show huh? If not why your tail side got so much smoke huh?
8. Orchard Road now got Chinese New Year sales leh, you know?
9. Stay in Singapore for free access to the casino, I mean, Integrated Resort lah!
10. If you still don’t touch down now, I will throw two baskets of durians at you!
11. You have won a 3-days-2-nights stay at your favourite hotel! However, you have to first attend a one-hour presentation at Changi Airport………
12. We are dying to leave Singapore. Can we get a hitchhike from you guys, please?
CowShlt Inc Supports Singapore’s Bid for Youth Olympic Games
CowShlt Inc proudly declares our support for Singapore’s bid of the inaugural Youth Olympic Games hosting rights!
CowShlt Inc sincerely hopes that Singapore will win the hosting rights to the inaugural Youth Olympic Games over rival Moscow for the following reasons.
1. The chance of our office getting an en-bloc sale to make way for the games facilities gets higher.
2. We can rent out our office premise for people to watch the fireworks during the closing ceremony.
3. We have more chances to invest in Singapore Pools for the many competitions.
4. There is a good chance that ERPs will be turned off during the games.
5. For every gold medal won, we get one day holiday right?
6. Beautiful Cow and Magical Cow may find their rich angmoh husbands among the visitors.
7. There is nothing more interesting than watching the likes of Maria Sharapova in their adolescent years playing tennis in their skimpy outfits.
CowShlt Inc sincerely hopes that Singapore will win the hosting rights to the inaugural Youth Olympic Games over rival Moscow for the following reasons.
1. The chance of our office getting an en-bloc sale to make way for the games facilities gets higher.
2. We can rent out our office premise for people to watch the fireworks during the closing ceremony.
3. We have more chances to invest in Singapore Pools for the many competitions.
4. There is a good chance that ERPs will be turned off during the games.
5. For every gold medal won, we get one day holiday right?
6. Beautiful Cow and Magical Cow may find their rich angmoh husbands among the visitors.
7. There is nothing more interesting than watching the likes of Maria Sharapova in their adolescent years playing tennis in their skimpy outfits.
Monday, January 21, 2008
CowShlt Inc Education Department to Offer New Course in Separating Tone from Substance
Internal Memo
To: The Department for Further Education
The recent reply from Minister-of-State for Education RAdm Lui Tuck Yew on the importance to separate the 'tone' from the 'substance' of the message saw the sales of our competitor’s dictionaries soaring. To maintain our market leadership in the private education sector, CowShlt Inc will launch a professional diploma aimed at teaching professionals how to separate tone from content.
The course content shall highlight the following subjects:
1. Differentiating Tone from Substance – The DNA Approach
This course shall focus on looking at Tone and Substance from a scientific approach. We shall dissect Tone and Substance to their chromosomal levels and study the distinctive gene in their DNA that separates the two.
2. The Good, the Bad and the Ugly – Gaining the Psychological Advantage
This course shall focus on hiding your good or bad cards with the same ugly face. We shall deal every student with a hand of poker. Student will learn how to maintain an ugly face, no matter how good or bad the hand is. This is the key to gaining a psychological advantage over your opponent.
3. Practical Lesson – How to Announce Price Increment with a Smiling Face
Students must display their ability to announce increment in transport fare, GST, price for essential items and inflation rate with a smiling face. At no time must their tone be in-line with the substance they are announcing.
Kindly start the course planning immediately. I expect the first enrollment of students to commence by next week. Thank you!
Best regards,
Gu Sai
CEO, CowShlt Inc
To: The Department for Further Education
The recent reply from Minister-of-State for Education RAdm Lui Tuck Yew on the importance to separate the 'tone' from the 'substance' of the message saw the sales of our competitor’s dictionaries soaring. To maintain our market leadership in the private education sector, CowShlt Inc will launch a professional diploma aimed at teaching professionals how to separate tone from content.
The course content shall highlight the following subjects:
1. Differentiating Tone from Substance – The DNA Approach
This course shall focus on looking at Tone and Substance from a scientific approach. We shall dissect Tone and Substance to their chromosomal levels and study the distinctive gene in their DNA that separates the two.
2. The Good, the Bad and the Ugly – Gaining the Psychological Advantage
This course shall focus on hiding your good or bad cards with the same ugly face. We shall deal every student with a hand of poker. Student will learn how to maintain an ugly face, no matter how good or bad the hand is. This is the key to gaining a psychological advantage over your opponent.
3. Practical Lesson – How to Announce Price Increment with a Smiling Face
Students must display their ability to announce increment in transport fare, GST, price for essential items and inflation rate with a smiling face. At no time must their tone be in-line with the substance they are announcing.
Kindly start the course planning immediately. I expect the first enrollment of students to commence by next week. Thank you!
Best regards,
Gu Sai
CEO, CowShlt Inc
Friday, January 11, 2008
Cow Peh Explains Origin of 12 Chinese Zodiac
十二生肖传奇
In the very old days, there was no clock, no calendar. Years passed without a proper way of keeping track. It was then that 玉皇大帝 decided to use 12 animals to represent a year each. Being the fair King, all 12 animals were randomly generated from 玉皇大帝's PDA. He then sent a mass SMS to the representatives the 12 animals - Rat, Cow, Tiger, Rabbit, Dragon, Snake, Horse, Goat, Monkey, Rooster, Dog and Pig - enrolling them into the Amazing Race - Heaven Edition. Whoever reaches Pitstop first will get to lead the pack.
Within minutes after the SMS was sent, Monkey was seen strolling into Pitstop, demanding the right to the top rank. Sensing something amissed, 玉皇大帝 immediately screened through all CCTVs footage of that day and found Monkey being pre-empted on the race by 孙悟空. Monkey was thus sent to the penalty chamber and returned as an eventual 9th.
Among the 12 animals, Dragon was the hot favourite among punters to win given his ability to fly. However, he was greatly delayed by the over-zealous air custom officials who insisted on a thorough security check on the basis of anti-terrorism. Dragon only managed to snag a dismal 5th, collapsing the bank accounts of many bookies.
玉皇大帝's SMS was warmly received by the Tiger Brothers. Inspired by Terry Fox, the Tiger Brothers refused to let their disabilities handicap their determination. However, the Tiger Brothers, being 一只没有眼睛一只没有耳朵, only managed to claim 3rd spot.
Rabbit, having learnt his lesson the hard way from his race with Tortoise, did not sleep under a tree during the Race. He came in a respectable 4th.
Being the poor cousin of Dragon, Snake was doing his part-time job at the Garden of Eden when the SMS arrived. Unable to get time off until he fully planted the apple tree, Snake arrived in 6th position, ironically after Dragon again.
Horse and Goat were extremely close lunch buddies. They spent most time together discussing where's the grass in greener. Since only Horse has evolved into Pegasus, he had the inevitable task of ferrying Goat on his back for the entire Race. Horse and Goat clinched the 7th and 8th spots, with the higher ranked offered to Horse the Carrier.
Rooster was sleeping soundly after performing the morning shift. His handphone was on sient mode when the SMS arrived and thus failed to notice it. When he finally realised how cocked up he has been, he was already disadvantaged by several hours. He reached the Pitstop as 10th.
Dog and Pig were partying the entire night away with their 猪朋狗友 the night before the Race commenced. Both suffered from a great hangover, and to made matters worse, they were both booked for drink-driving. They occupied the 2 stellar positions, with Dog gaining a split-second win over Pig by sticking his long tongue out.
The fight for the top-post, however, was among Rat and Cow.
Cow, under the watchful eyes of 牛魔王 and sponsored by CowShlt Inc, had been keeping fit regularly. He had the responsibility of maintaining the stock market bullish run, no less. Cow was in fact ahead of Rat when approaching Pitstop. However, being too full of CowShlt, he had no alternative but to detour to the nearest toilet to discharge himself. When he arrived at Pistop, Rat was already there.
Rat, surprising, had an amazing easy race. He was, in fact, without a drop of sweat. The following interviewed was conducted immediately upon him being crowned Leader of the 12 Zodiac.
"Where on heaven am i at now?" screamed the Rat. "Pitstop? What Pitstop? How did i come here?? I was cooking 佛跳墙 just now.... Huh? No.... i left that French restaurant after their ratatouille was found contaminated with Salmonella Enteriditis bacteria. Oh yes! So i was serving Buddha his lunch just now whereby he suddenly decided to jump over the wall. I was caught by the tangle of his robes and the next thing i know, i was here! Why? Am i in some kind of rat race??"
In the very old days, there was no clock, no calendar. Years passed without a proper way of keeping track. It was then that 玉皇大帝 decided to use 12 animals to represent a year each. Being the fair King, all 12 animals were randomly generated from 玉皇大帝's PDA. He then sent a mass SMS to the representatives the 12 animals - Rat, Cow, Tiger, Rabbit, Dragon, Snake, Horse, Goat, Monkey, Rooster, Dog and Pig - enrolling them into the Amazing Race - Heaven Edition. Whoever reaches Pitstop first will get to lead the pack.
Within minutes after the SMS was sent, Monkey was seen strolling into Pitstop, demanding the right to the top rank. Sensing something amissed, 玉皇大帝 immediately screened through all CCTVs footage of that day and found Monkey being pre-empted on the race by 孙悟空. Monkey was thus sent to the penalty chamber and returned as an eventual 9th.
Among the 12 animals, Dragon was the hot favourite among punters to win given his ability to fly. However, he was greatly delayed by the over-zealous air custom officials who insisted on a thorough security check on the basis of anti-terrorism. Dragon only managed to snag a dismal 5th, collapsing the bank accounts of many bookies.
玉皇大帝's SMS was warmly received by the Tiger Brothers. Inspired by Terry Fox, the Tiger Brothers refused to let their disabilities handicap their determination. However, the Tiger Brothers, being 一只没有眼睛一只没有耳朵, only managed to claim 3rd spot.
Rabbit, having learnt his lesson the hard way from his race with Tortoise, did not sleep under a tree during the Race. He came in a respectable 4th.
Being the poor cousin of Dragon, Snake was doing his part-time job at the Garden of Eden when the SMS arrived. Unable to get time off until he fully planted the apple tree, Snake arrived in 6th position, ironically after Dragon again.
Horse and Goat were extremely close lunch buddies. They spent most time together discussing where's the grass in greener. Since only Horse has evolved into Pegasus, he had the inevitable task of ferrying Goat on his back for the entire Race. Horse and Goat clinched the 7th and 8th spots, with the higher ranked offered to Horse the Carrier.
Rooster was sleeping soundly after performing the morning shift. His handphone was on sient mode when the SMS arrived and thus failed to notice it. When he finally realised how cocked up he has been, he was already disadvantaged by several hours. He reached the Pitstop as 10th.
Dog and Pig were partying the entire night away with their 猪朋狗友 the night before the Race commenced. Both suffered from a great hangover, and to made matters worse, they were both booked for drink-driving. They occupied the 2 stellar positions, with Dog gaining a split-second win over Pig by sticking his long tongue out.
The fight for the top-post, however, was among Rat and Cow.
Cow, under the watchful eyes of 牛魔王 and sponsored by CowShlt Inc, had been keeping fit regularly. He had the responsibility of maintaining the stock market bullish run, no less. Cow was in fact ahead of Rat when approaching Pitstop. However, being too full of CowShlt, he had no alternative but to detour to the nearest toilet to discharge himself. When he arrived at Pistop, Rat was already there.
Rat, surprising, had an amazing easy race. He was, in fact, without a drop of sweat. The following interviewed was conducted immediately upon him being crowned Leader of the 12 Zodiac.
"Where on heaven am i at now?" screamed the Rat. "Pitstop? What Pitstop? How did i come here?? I was cooking 佛跳墙 just now.... Huh? No.... i left that French restaurant after their ratatouille was found contaminated with Salmonella Enteriditis bacteria. Oh yes! So i was serving Buddha his lunch just now whereby he suddenly decided to jump over the wall. I was caught by the tangle of his robes and the next thing i know, i was here! Why? Am i in some kind of rat race??"
Sunday, January 6, 2008
CowShlt Inc Newsletter Interviews Singapore Idols I & II
Since Mr Gu Sai, CEO of CowShlt Inc, has run out of announcement to make, Cow Peh has no choice but to go light-hearted on this issue. Fortunately, by pulling some strings, Cow Peh managed to gain an exclusive interview with the first-ever Singapore Idol Taufik Batisah and the newly crowned Asian Idol Hady Mirza.
EXCLUSIVE!
Cow Peh - CP
Taufik Batisah - TB
Hady Mirza - HM
CP: First of all, congratulations to Hady for being crowned the first-ever Asian Idol.
HM: Thank you! Thank you so much! Now, i can really say that i am indeed the best in Singapore, JB and even Batam!
TB: Eh! You forgot to thank your lao-peh, lao-bu, ah-gong and ah-mah again lah.......
(Both broke into cold laughters as a black crow flew past)
CP: What do both of you think constituted to Hady's win?
HM: Simple lah.... Because i'm simply the best in Singapore, JB and Batam mah!
TB: I think Hady won the Asian Idol simply because he sang MY song during the competition. Ever heard of blind-voting? That's exactly what took place here. The voters are blind and they all thought they were voting for ME!
(Hady gave a cold stare at Taufik)
CP: There has been speculations that you actually won because of the dual voting scheme. Voters thought that you are the worst singer and thus safest to cast the 2nd vote. What's your view on this, Hady?
TB: (interrupts Hady) So THAT'S why you purposely sang off key and made my song so horrible!!! You @#$%^&*!!!!!
(Taufik and Hady got into a scuffle)
CP: Boys! Boys!!! Both of you are IDOLS! You are supposed to be role models to the many young readers of CowShlt Inc newsletter!
(Taufik and Hady broke up the fight, but both were still seething)
CP: Taufik, it is understood that you are still sore about the abrupt end of World Idol competition straight after your win at Singapore Idol.
HM: Yah loh, yah loh!! The organizers heard him sang and quickly called off the competition to protect their hearings mah!
(Taufik pulled the chair off under Hady's seat and Hady thumped to the ground. Both broke into a catfight again)
CP: Boys! Cool it! Boys!!
(Cow Peh got in between the scuffle and separated the two by force)
CP: Cool down, boys. Let me finish this interview first. I'm meeting a deadline ok? Otherwise the Cowlings at CowShlt Inc are going to kao peh kao bu at me again.....
(All three regained their seats)
CP: OK..... I will need one more question to fill up the void in our newsletter. Not so much advertisement being featured nowadays, i wonder why also. Maybe AC Nielson found out that actually nobody reads CowShlt Inc newsletterat all. But alas, i digressed. My final question to both of you is, what does 2008 holds for you? Let's start with Taufik first.
TB: I am all ready to break into the Chinese-speaking market. I bet you all had heard me singing "每时每刻有音乐，933醉心频道" on 933FM right? That's the direction i'm heading at this year! In fact, i'm already working with my buddy 神香聋 on our new duet tentatively titled 烂兄烂弟 in celebration of our brotherly love!
CP: Well, it's actually 沈祥龙 and 难兄难弟. Please send my regards to Sylvester, and tell him Maia is going great as my Star Blogger intern. Now, what about Hady? What does 2008 holds for you?
HM: I just hope that if Singapore Idol gets revived again this year, the winner is not another Malay. The market is too small for another competitor. The Chinese guy, the what Daren Tan from Project Superstar 2, is already crossing over to perform in Beauty World the musical! So what can i do? No choice loh! Just have to pick up Tamil and hope to get a role in the upcoming Mustafa Centre the musical loh............
EXCLUSIVE!
Cow Peh - CP
Taufik Batisah - TB
Hady Mirza - HM
CP: First of all, congratulations to Hady for being crowned the first-ever Asian Idol.
HM: Thank you! Thank you so much! Now, i can really say that i am indeed the best in Singapore, JB and even Batam!
TB: Eh! You forgot to thank your lao-peh, lao-bu, ah-gong and ah-mah again lah.......
(Both broke into cold laughters as a black crow flew past)
CP: What do both of you think constituted to Hady's win?
HM: Simple lah.... Because i'm simply the best in Singapore, JB and Batam mah!
TB: I think Hady won the Asian Idol simply because he sang MY song during the competition. Ever heard of blind-voting? That's exactly what took place here. The voters are blind and they all thought they were voting for ME!
(Hady gave a cold stare at Taufik)
CP: There has been speculations that you actually won because of the dual voting scheme. Voters thought that you are the worst singer and thus safest to cast the 2nd vote. What's your view on this, Hady?
TB: (interrupts Hady) So THAT'S why you purposely sang off key and made my song so horrible!!! You @#$%^&*!!!!!
(Taufik and Hady got into a scuffle)
CP: Boys! Boys!!! Both of you are IDOLS! You are supposed to be role models to the many young readers of CowShlt Inc newsletter!
(Taufik and Hady broke up the fight, but both were still seething)
CP: Taufik, it is understood that you are still sore about the abrupt end of World Idol competition straight after your win at Singapore Idol.
HM: Yah loh, yah loh!! The organizers heard him sang and quickly called off the competition to protect their hearings mah!
(Taufik pulled the chair off under Hady's seat and Hady thumped to the ground. Both broke into a catfight again)
CP: Boys! Cool it! Boys!!
(Cow Peh got in between the scuffle and separated the two by force)
CP: Cool down, boys. Let me finish this interview first. I'm meeting a deadline ok? Otherwise the Cowlings at CowShlt Inc are going to kao peh kao bu at me again.....
(All three regained their seats)
CP: OK..... I will need one more question to fill up the void in our newsletter. Not so much advertisement being featured nowadays, i wonder why also. Maybe AC Nielson found out that actually nobody reads CowShlt Inc newsletterat all. But alas, i digressed. My final question to both of you is, what does 2008 holds for you? Let's start with Taufik first.
TB: I am all ready to break into the Chinese-speaking market. I bet you all had heard me singing "每时每刻有音乐，933醉心频道" on 933FM right? That's the direction i'm heading at this year! In fact, i'm already working with my buddy 神香聋 on our new duet tentatively titled 烂兄烂弟 in celebration of our brotherly love!
CP: Well, it's actually 沈祥龙 and 难兄难弟. Please send my regards to Sylvester, and tell him Maia is going great as my Star Blogger intern. Now, what about Hady? What does 2008 holds for you?
HM: I just hope that if Singapore Idol gets revived again this year, the winner is not another Malay. The market is too small for another competitor. The Chinese guy, the what Daren Tan from Project Superstar 2, is already crossing over to perform in Beauty World the musical! So what can i do? No choice loh! Just have to pick up Tamil and hope to get a role in the upcoming Mustafa Centre the musical loh............
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