Friday, January 11, 2008

Cow Peh Explains Origin of 12 Chinese Zodiac


In the very old days, there was no clock, no calendar. Years passed without a proper way of keeping track. It was then that 玉皇大帝 decided to use 12 animals to represent a year each. Being the fair King, all 12 animals were randomly generated from 玉皇大帝's PDA. He then sent a mass SMS to the representatives the 12 animals - Rat, Cow, Tiger, Rabbit, Dragon, Snake, Horse, Goat, Monkey, Rooster, Dog and Pig - enrolling them into the Amazing Race - Heaven Edition. Whoever reaches Pitstop first will get to lead the pack.

Within minutes after the SMS was sent, Monkey was seen strolling into Pitstop, demanding the right to the top rank. Sensing something amissed, 玉皇大帝 immediately screened through all CCTVs footage of that day and found Monkey being pre-empted on the race by 孙悟空. Monkey was thus sent to the penalty chamber and returned as an eventual 9th.

Among the 12 animals, Dragon was the hot favourite among punters to win given his ability to fly. However, he was greatly delayed by the over-zealous air custom officials who insisted on a thorough security check on the basis of anti-terrorism. Dragon only managed to snag a dismal 5th, collapsing the bank accounts of many bookies.

玉皇大帝's SMS was warmly received by the Tiger Brothers. Inspired by Terry Fox, the Tiger Brothers refused to let their disabilities handicap their determination. However, the Tiger Brothers, being 一只没有眼睛一只没有耳朵, only managed to claim 3rd spot.

Rabbit, having learnt his lesson the hard way from his race with Tortoise, did not sleep under a tree during the Race. He came in a respectable 4th.

Being the poor cousin of Dragon, Snake was doing his part-time job at the Garden of Eden when the SMS arrived. Unable to get time off until he fully planted the apple tree, Snake arrived in 6th position, ironically after Dragon again.

Horse and Goat were extremely close lunch buddies. They spent most time together discussing where's the grass in greener. Since only Horse has evolved into Pegasus, he had the inevitable task of ferrying Goat on his back for the entire Race. Horse and Goat clinched the 7th and 8th spots, with the higher ranked offered to Horse the Carrier.

Rooster was sleeping soundly after performing the morning shift. His handphone was on sient mode when the SMS arrived and thus failed to notice it. When he finally realised how cocked up he has been, he was already disadvantaged by several hours. He reached the Pitstop as 10th.

Dog and Pig were partying the entire night away with their 猪朋狗友 the night before the Race commenced. Both suffered from a great hangover, and to made matters worse, they were both booked for drink-driving. They occupied the 2 stellar positions, with Dog gaining a split-second win over Pig by sticking his long tongue out.

The fight for the top-post, however, was among Rat and Cow.

Cow, under the watchful eyes of 牛魔王 and sponsored by CowShlt Inc, had been keeping fit regularly. He had the responsibility of maintaining the stock market bullish run, no less. Cow was in fact ahead of Rat when approaching Pitstop. However, being too full of CowShlt, he had no alternative but to detour to the nearest toilet to discharge himself. When he arrived at Pistop, Rat was already there.

Rat, surprising, had an amazing easy race. He was, in fact, without a drop of sweat. The following interviewed was conducted immediately upon him being crowned Leader of the 12 Zodiac.

"Where on heaven am i at now?" screamed the Rat. "Pitstop? What Pitstop? How did i come here?? I was cooking 佛跳墙 just now.... Huh? No.... i left that French restaurant after their ratatouille was found contaminated with Salmonella Enteriditis bacteria. Oh yes! So i was serving Buddha his lunch just now whereby he suddenly decided to jump over the wall. I was caught by the tangle of his robes and the next thing i know, i was here! Why? Am i in some kind of rat race??"

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