Internal Newsletter
Dear all,
Year 2008 is coming to an end with only two more weeks to go. Let’s perform a review on how the various projects we had agreed upon last December are doing.
1. To Revitalise Singapore Economy
Singapore was enjoying her best economy in 2008, until some ku-ku fengshui masters advised to reverse the direction of our money spinning Singapore Flyers.
Verdict – Money down the drain….
2. Building of NewPower Plant
SP Power increased their electrical tariff by a whooping 21%. But due to keen competition from CowShlt Inc NewPower Plant, they had quickly announced a 25% reduction from next year. Thanks to all CowShlt Inc staffs who produced so many craps in 2008, this project is an astounding success.
Verdict – Holy craps! But more shlt needed!
3. To Break into the Local Movie Industry
See what happen when an acclaimed director like Royston Tan chose to produce a lotus film instead of collaborating with CowShlt Inc to produce 1711? Flop, total flop…..
Verdict – Why not co-produce 1800-COWSHIT in 2009??
4. To Mass Market the Cure for Gay Tendency
Due to the financial crisis, most people are so well trained in covering their ass. The gays have no chance at all. Our new drug has thus no market to sell to.
Verdict – Someone’s ass need to be whipped for suggesting this project…
5. Building of Singapore Disneyland
I am sad to announce that Mickey Mouse and friends have been abducted by the Somali pirates while cruising over to Singapore. We are currently in talk with Disneyland to allow our very White Tigers to stand-in as their new mascot while negotiation with the pirates continues. We are currently in talk with Disneyland to allow our very White Tigers to stand-in as their new mascot while negotiation with the pirates continues.
Verdict – Surely those visitors can’t differentiate between 老鼠 and 老虎 right?
6. To Help Win Olympic Gold Medal in Beijing 2008
Singapore has finally ended her Olympic medal drought in Beijing 2008. To keep the tempo going, CowShlt Inc has again been tasked to help bring in more medals in London 2010. Being once a colony of England, the Olympic is seen as being help in Singapore twice consecutively.
Verdict – Gold standard
7. To Help Singapore Government Connect with the Youths
The facts speaks for itself…..
Verdict – No need to grade anymore, friend friend already lah…..
8. To Develop Singapore as the Region's Protest Hub
Singapore has setup its first Protest Corner in Hong Lim Park. However, the participants are still… should I say… way behind our Thai counterparts.
Verdict – We’ve done our part. Maybe some oversea studies in Thailand is necessary…
Monday, December 22, 2008
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
CowShlt Inc Bans All Staffs from Practicing YOGA
Staffs from CowShlt Inc are apparently furious over a recent ban from the top management on them practicing YOGA. The reason for banning this practice was apparently that it will erode the faith of CowShlt Inc adopted belief, Crapsology.
“All staffs in CowShlt Inc must fully devote themselves to Crapsology, and Crapslogy only,” declared Mr Gu Sai, CEO of CowShlt Inc. “Crapsology is an ideology founded by the great Holy Crap. We had been practicing it ever since CowShlt Inc was formed. For that, it is reason enough to ban our staffs from coming into contact with any other beliefs”
It was understood that the belief, You’re Only Getting Advanced, or YOGA in short, was founded by an Indian guru thousands of years ago, but was getting increasingly popular especially among the young and educated. Practitioners of this ancient art make use of emerging technologies and slogans shouting to increase their self-beliefs.
“I used to think getting to work was all craps,” said Mr Seh Kor, “until I started practicing YOGA. YOGA taught me how to spread my workload using advanced technology. Now, with emails reaching me 24 hours a day, my entire life is craps. Getting to work became a much happier event!”
“I used to be a person without any passion for my job,” confessed Ms Jiak Zhua, “until YOGA pointed me to the correct direction. I start my day in the office by shouting the YOGA slogan ‘I love my job!’ multiple times. And I’m sure you had heard it before. A lie, when told multiple times, can be perceived as reality. So although I am practically still doing nothing in office now, I have embraced the idea that I actually love such a job!”
“It’s not a matter of whether the belief promotes good or bad,” explains Mr Gu Sai. “Crapsology doesn’t work this way. YOGA tries to impose logic on whatever it preaches, and logic is something Crapsology absolutely oppose to. Don’t ask me the logic behind such crap logic as it is the Crapsology logic to not have any logic!”
On a separate note, Mr Gu Sai revealed that CowShlt Inc is presently reviewing on whether to grant access to Taiwanese heartthrob Yoga Lin to perform at CowShlt Inc annual Dinner & Dance.
“All staffs in CowShlt Inc must fully devote themselves to Crapsology, and Crapslogy only,” declared Mr Gu Sai, CEO of CowShlt Inc. “Crapsology is an ideology founded by the great Holy Crap. We had been practicing it ever since CowShlt Inc was formed. For that, it is reason enough to ban our staffs from coming into contact with any other beliefs”
It was understood that the belief, You’re Only Getting Advanced, or YOGA in short, was founded by an Indian guru thousands of years ago, but was getting increasingly popular especially among the young and educated. Practitioners of this ancient art make use of emerging technologies and slogans shouting to increase their self-beliefs.
“I used to think getting to work was all craps,” said Mr Seh Kor, “until I started practicing YOGA. YOGA taught me how to spread my workload using advanced technology. Now, with emails reaching me 24 hours a day, my entire life is craps. Getting to work became a much happier event!”
“I used to be a person without any passion for my job,” confessed Ms Jiak Zhua, “until YOGA pointed me to the correct direction. I start my day in the office by shouting the YOGA slogan ‘I love my job!’ multiple times. And I’m sure you had heard it before. A lie, when told multiple times, can be perceived as reality. So although I am practically still doing nothing in office now, I have embraced the idea that I actually love such a job!”
“It’s not a matter of whether the belief promotes good or bad,” explains Mr Gu Sai. “Crapsology doesn’t work this way. YOGA tries to impose logic on whatever it preaches, and logic is something Crapsology absolutely oppose to. Don’t ask me the logic behind such crap logic as it is the Crapsology logic to not have any logic!”
On a separate note, Mr Gu Sai revealed that CowShlt Inc is presently reviewing on whether to grant access to Taiwanese heartthrob Yoga Lin to perform at CowShlt Inc annual Dinner & Dance.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Zoo Still Undecided on Action to Take to Prevent Future Mauling by Tigers
Few days after the mauling of a contract worker by the white tigers, the Singapore Zoo is still undecided on what action it can take to prevent future incidents from happening.
“Tentatively,” said Mr Gore Rileer, “we will usher all visitors into a steel cage the moment they come to the Zoo. Instead of letting people walk all over the Zoo, potentially falling into the Tiger Enclosure, we will let the animals come visit the humans in cage instead. We hereby urge all visitors not to accept any bananas offered to them by our animals.”
The general public has also generously offered suggestions on the possible actions Singapore Zoo can take.
“In western medical terms,” explained Dr Tok Cai Tau, “we treat symptoms by symptoms. The tigers like to bite right? Then just remove the cause! Extract all the teeth of the tigers will solve the problem once and for all. Anyway, Singaporeans are always known as toothless tigers who, when talk sibei kiang, but when action needed, all don’t know run where!”
“The Zoo should start identifying potential danger zones,” suggested Mr Yee Arh Pee. “Once the Zoo did that, then it can start imposing electronic charges on the visitors who still choose to visit the dangerous sites. During peak hours when the zookeepers are busiest, the electronic charges should also be the highest. This will force all visitors to plan their routes and only visit those non dangerous exhibits.”
“Long long time ago when the Zoo only has yellow tigers,” recalled Mr Geh Ang Moh, “such incidents never happened. But then the Zoo decided to import all this white tigers, raving how precious they are and how they can save the plunging economy. See what happens? Those white tigers snatched away all the jobs from the local tigers and worse still, bit the hands that feed them!”
“The tigers have no fault at all,” claims Ms M. O. Yee. “The fault lies with the Zoo allowing all tom, dick and harry to get near those sacred beings. I suggest the Zoo to conduct entrance test for all visitors and stream them accordingly into EM1, EM2 and EM3. Ferry the elite EM1 visitors on a through train that brings them directly to the white tigers enclosure. Let the ordinary EM2 visitors walk all the way there, so that they will be too tired to climb over the fence when they reach. As for those EM3 visitors who do not even know that ‘I Not Stupid’ is structurally wrong, we should restrict them to visiting rabbits!”
“Instead of punishing the tigers for what it did wrong,” explores Ms Hoe Lis Tick, “why not reward them for doing what’s right? Instead of using the stick as always, why not offer the carrot instead? Huh? Yes, I know tigers are carnivorous animal and don’t eat carrots. What I mean is we can encourage them to behave better by offering some rewards right? Like, maybe some sort of monetary payout? All we need is to push them to work harder and generate more revenues for the Zoo, then take some cash from their left pockets and stuff them into their right.”
“I want to offer the Zoo a win-win-win solution!” declares Mr An Ler Sze. “Legalise tiger mauling as a form of euthanasia! In this way, the person who wants to die still gets to die. The Zoo gets an extra visitor, and the tigers get an extra meal!”
Anybody with other suggestions are welcome to contact the Singapore Zoo directly. Person with the best suggestion will win an all expenses paid 3 days 2 nights stay at the Singapore Zoo White Tiger Enclosure.
“Tentatively,” said Mr Gore Rileer, “we will usher all visitors into a steel cage the moment they come to the Zoo. Instead of letting people walk all over the Zoo, potentially falling into the Tiger Enclosure, we will let the animals come visit the humans in cage instead. We hereby urge all visitors not to accept any bananas offered to them by our animals.”
The general public has also generously offered suggestions on the possible actions Singapore Zoo can take.
“In western medical terms,” explained Dr Tok Cai Tau, “we treat symptoms by symptoms. The tigers like to bite right? Then just remove the cause! Extract all the teeth of the tigers will solve the problem once and for all. Anyway, Singaporeans are always known as toothless tigers who, when talk sibei kiang, but when action needed, all don’t know run where!”
“The Zoo should start identifying potential danger zones,” suggested Mr Yee Arh Pee. “Once the Zoo did that, then it can start imposing electronic charges on the visitors who still choose to visit the dangerous sites. During peak hours when the zookeepers are busiest, the electronic charges should also be the highest. This will force all visitors to plan their routes and only visit those non dangerous exhibits.”
“Long long time ago when the Zoo only has yellow tigers,” recalled Mr Geh Ang Moh, “such incidents never happened. But then the Zoo decided to import all this white tigers, raving how precious they are and how they can save the plunging economy. See what happens? Those white tigers snatched away all the jobs from the local tigers and worse still, bit the hands that feed them!”
“The tigers have no fault at all,” claims Ms M. O. Yee. “The fault lies with the Zoo allowing all tom, dick and harry to get near those sacred beings. I suggest the Zoo to conduct entrance test for all visitors and stream them accordingly into EM1, EM2 and EM3. Ferry the elite EM1 visitors on a through train that brings them directly to the white tigers enclosure. Let the ordinary EM2 visitors walk all the way there, so that they will be too tired to climb over the fence when they reach. As for those EM3 visitors who do not even know that ‘I Not Stupid’ is structurally wrong, we should restrict them to visiting rabbits!”
“Instead of punishing the tigers for what it did wrong,” explores Ms Hoe Lis Tick, “why not reward them for doing what’s right? Instead of using the stick as always, why not offer the carrot instead? Huh? Yes, I know tigers are carnivorous animal and don’t eat carrots. What I mean is we can encourage them to behave better by offering some rewards right? Like, maybe some sort of monetary payout? All we need is to push them to work harder and generate more revenues for the Zoo, then take some cash from their left pockets and stuff them into their right.”
“I want to offer the Zoo a win-win-win solution!” declares Mr An Ler Sze. “Legalise tiger mauling as a form of euthanasia! In this way, the person who wants to die still gets to die. The Zoo gets an extra visitor, and the tigers get an extra meal!”
Anybody with other suggestions are welcome to contact the Singapore Zoo directly. Person with the best suggestion will win an all expenses paid 3 days 2 nights stay at the Singapore Zoo White Tiger Enclosure.
Friday, November 14, 2008
CowShlt Inc Offers Expatriate Contract to White Tiger
The industry was reeling with shock after the sudden announcement from Mr Gu Sai, CEO of CowShlt Inc, that his company has offered Mr White Tiger, an armature assassin, the top benefits of an expatriate contract.
“White Tiger helms a proven track record of mauling and was the pivotal player in successfully producing the first killing in our child company, the Singapore Zoological Garden,” said Mr Gu Sai. “Once again White Tiger has proven that foreign talents do the job better than locals. Just look at him! He’s white! What else needs to be said?”
While many people have casted doubts over Mr White Tiger’s capabilities by just one kill, Mr Gu Sai is confident of his judgment.
“ScoobyDaddy works in the zoo,” explained My Gu Sai, “and it was a well known fact that he constantly makes passes at my Personal Assistant, Ms CowBoo. So I arranged for ScoobyDaddy to perform a role play of 武松打虎 to entertain our crowd yesterday. It was then whereby White Tiger stroke and got the kill precisely.”
It was unknown to Mr Gu Sai that the actual staff who went into the tigers den was not ScoobyDaddy himself, but just a stand-in, Mr Carl la Fare.
“Damn heng ah!” blurted out Mr ScoobyDaddy. “Just before the show I decided to snack on our CEO’s favourite food – sugar coated sor ta biah with Chinese tea. After eating that, I lao sai until I cannot walk. So without any choice, I got Carl to stand-in for me and covered his face with a pail to prevent Mr Gu Sai from recognizing him. But ends up, he became my scapegoat! So it was really me who 送羊入虎口!!”
“White Tiger helms a proven track record of mauling and was the pivotal player in successfully producing the first killing in our child company, the Singapore Zoological Garden,” said Mr Gu Sai. “Once again White Tiger has proven that foreign talents do the job better than locals. Just look at him! He’s white! What else needs to be said?”
While many people have casted doubts over Mr White Tiger’s capabilities by just one kill, Mr Gu Sai is confident of his judgment.
“ScoobyDaddy works in the zoo,” explained My Gu Sai, “and it was a well known fact that he constantly makes passes at my Personal Assistant, Ms CowBoo. So I arranged for ScoobyDaddy to perform a role play of 武松打虎 to entertain our crowd yesterday. It was then whereby White Tiger stroke and got the kill precisely.”
It was unknown to Mr Gu Sai that the actual staff who went into the tigers den was not ScoobyDaddy himself, but just a stand-in, Mr Carl la Fare.
“Damn heng ah!” blurted out Mr ScoobyDaddy. “Just before the show I decided to snack on our CEO’s favourite food – sugar coated sor ta biah with Chinese tea. After eating that, I lao sai until I cannot walk. So without any choice, I got Carl to stand-in for me and covered his face with a pail to prevent Mr Gu Sai from recognizing him. But ends up, he became my scapegoat! So it was really me who 送羊入虎口!!”
Friday, October 31, 2008
CowShlt Inc Staffs Brace Themselves for Inter-departmental Halloween Bash
The entire premises of CowShlt Inc have been buzzing with last minute touch-ups for their Halloween bash tonight.
“This is going to be the greatest party of the century!” declares Mr Gu Sai, CEO of CowShlt Inc. “This Halloween party not only allows all staffs to let their hair down - literally, but also promotes cohesiveness among all departments!”
It is understood that each department in CowShlt Inc is to dress up their manager as a Halloween figure that will “scare the hell out of themselves”.
“By making them become what they are most afraid of," explains Mr Gu Sai, "I am actually helping them combat their greatest fear. As a prime example myself, I will be dressing up as a 12-inch Subway’s sandwich, being kar-char into halves, with the white mayonnaise flowing out constantly without control!”
“I am very confident of being the most frightful figure tonight,” beams Mr Saab Prime, the Finance Department Manager. “My deputy and I will be dressed as the Lehman Brothers while all my staffs will harass staffs from other departments into buying high risk investment scheme disguise as fixed deposit product. Hell! I even have props! Look at this stock market chart and my downward pointing arrow! Do they send a chill down your spine?”
“Cutting operating cost has always been our core objective,” says Mr Kee Gei Leow, the Maintenance Department Manager. “With this thought in mind, we are using only recycled materials as props. My staffs have kindly donated many of their children’s angpow packets to dress me into a giant red colour SP Power bill. And you know what will strike the most fear? Look at this statement printed in bold – 21% INCREASE FROM OCTOBER 2008. Ask you scare or not!”
“I have enough reasons to believe my dress up is the most elaborate,” says Mr Peh En Paye, the Delivery Department Manager. “I will be totally wrapped in sheetmetal with a electronic display board. And to fit into this costume, I have to bend myself over, resulting in such a vulnerable position. Then my staffs who are dressed in white will come and screw me from behind, but all I can say is Beep Beep Beep! You guessed it right! I’m dressed as the f***ing ERP gantry!”
“Sadly to say,” sighs Ms Lee Trenchman, the Human Resource Department Manager, “I will be transformed into the most hideous creature on Earth tonight. Most people see HR staffs as people who just dress up nicely and forever having tea breaks. To counter this misconception, I will be as ugly as possible and hand out free snacks for all tonight instead. The snack will be what I’m dressed as – fried cuttlefish.”
And as usual, the seven Personal Assistants of Mr Gu Sai are putting up an united front for the bash. “We sisters are so alike to the extent of even having the same fear,” echo BCCCCR+Y in unison. “Our dress up for tonight’s Halloween bash is extremely simple. Just a simple uniformed colour gown with two pink stripes across our slim waists. What are we? We are a pregnancy test kit tested positive!”
“This is going to be the greatest party of the century!” declares Mr Gu Sai, CEO of CowShlt Inc. “This Halloween party not only allows all staffs to let their hair down - literally, but also promotes cohesiveness among all departments!”
It is understood that each department in CowShlt Inc is to dress up their manager as a Halloween figure that will “scare the hell out of themselves”.
“By making them become what they are most afraid of," explains Mr Gu Sai, "I am actually helping them combat their greatest fear. As a prime example myself, I will be dressing up as a 12-inch Subway’s sandwich, being kar-char into halves, with the white mayonnaise flowing out constantly without control!”
“I am very confident of being the most frightful figure tonight,” beams Mr Saab Prime, the Finance Department Manager. “My deputy and I will be dressed as the Lehman Brothers while all my staffs will harass staffs from other departments into buying high risk investment scheme disguise as fixed deposit product. Hell! I even have props! Look at this stock market chart and my downward pointing arrow! Do they send a chill down your spine?”
“Cutting operating cost has always been our core objective,” says Mr Kee Gei Leow, the Maintenance Department Manager. “With this thought in mind, we are using only recycled materials as props. My staffs have kindly donated many of their children’s angpow packets to dress me into a giant red colour SP Power bill. And you know what will strike the most fear? Look at this statement printed in bold – 21% INCREASE FROM OCTOBER 2008. Ask you scare or not!”
“I have enough reasons to believe my dress up is the most elaborate,” says Mr Peh En Paye, the Delivery Department Manager. “I will be totally wrapped in sheetmetal with a electronic display board. And to fit into this costume, I have to bend myself over, resulting in such a vulnerable position. Then my staffs who are dressed in white will come and screw me from behind, but all I can say is Beep Beep Beep! You guessed it right! I’m dressed as the f***ing ERP gantry!”
“Sadly to say,” sighs Ms Lee Trenchman, the Human Resource Department Manager, “I will be transformed into the most hideous creature on Earth tonight. Most people see HR staffs as people who just dress up nicely and forever having tea breaks. To counter this misconception, I will be as ugly as possible and hand out free snacks for all tonight instead. The snack will be what I’m dressed as – fried cuttlefish.”
And as usual, the seven Personal Assistants of Mr Gu Sai are putting up an united front for the bash. “We sisters are so alike to the extent of even having the same fear,” echo BCCCCR+Y in unison. “Our dress up for tonight’s Halloween bash is extremely simple. Just a simple uniformed colour gown with two pink stripes across our slim waists. What are we? We are a pregnancy test kit tested positive!”
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
CowShlt Inc Launches All Inclusive Wedding Preparation Course
The market is abuzz today with the launch of a totally new wedding preparation course by the world renowned CowShlt Inc, the One-stop Nuptial Study (ONS).
“This is an entirely new concept in the wedding industry,” declares Mr Gu Sai, CEO of CowShlt Inc. “ONS will prepare you for all aspects of your marriage lives. Unlike conventional wedding preparation courses which only help you in managing marital expectations, ONS takes a deeper stance on marriage, from beginning to the end.”
It was understood that ONS teaches the following modules to its students.
1. Looking Pretty and Catching Your Desired Birdy
To be a blissful bride, you must be at your prettiest during your wedding. And even though it was widely believed that marriage is a gamble, ONS believes that choosing your husband shouldn’t be one.
“I always like to say that the biggest bird may not be the strongest,” says Ms bEll, the course instructor and personal assistant to Mr Gu Sai. “The catch is knowing what bird you really want and how to catch the right bird. And if you are pretty like me, all birds flock to you literally.”
2. Shopping for the Right Wedding Stuffs
From the wedding gown, to the floral arrangements, to the wedding dinner door gifts, there are thousands of items to purchase. While other wedding planners have the tendency to burn a hole in your pocket, ONS teaches you how to save, save, save.
“Finding bargain has always been my forte,” declares Ms Cammy, the course instructor and personal assistant to Mr Gu Sai. “From China to America to Antarctica, you name it, I spree it! And if your spree exceeds $50000, we will throw in 2 bottles of Pokka Honeysuckle White Tea, absolutely free! Huh? Your husband has G6PD Deficiency huh? Then our CEO will drink them on his behalf loh!”
3. How to Do Housework with Charm
Marriage is a bed of roses, only that this bed requires to be made in the morning. ONS firmly believes one does not need to be relegated to the realm of 黄脸婆 when managing the house. In fact, you can look really charming while dusting off in your chambermaid outfit.
“Just look at how pinky my face is,” says Ms Charmed, the course instructor and personal assistant to Mr Gu Sai. “Chambermaid has always been the ultimate sexual fantasy of all men, so there must be something sensual about doing housework. The moaning and sweat from being all exhausted……. Now, if you will excuse me, I need to get into my CEO’s office and climb up the ladder to retrieve a book from the top shelf.”
4. Get Daring, Spice It Up!
What is food without spices and what is marriage without sex? ONS teaches you how to blend the two together seamlessly.
“Ever wondered why spices and sex both start with S?” muses Ms CowBoo, the course instructor and personal assistant to Mr Gu Sai. “It’s because they complement each other perfectly. Men always like their women hot right? ONS teaches you the perfect usage of chilli padi! No, it’s not the leftover chilli padi from CowShlt Inc Childcare Centre. Too hot? Then cool down with our extra large cucumber, guaranteed to give you the most juice and satisfaction….”
5. A Legal Approach to the Big D
Starting a race is always easy but ending it with stamina is a different story. To be a truly inclusive wedding preparation course, ONS also teaches you how to end the marriage amicably.
“Most women divorce because they feel squeezed by their marriage,” explains Ms Yazzy, the course instructor and personal assistant to Mr Gu Sai. “So when the marriage is finally over, we will teach you how to turn the table around and squeeze the hell out from your husband instead! My personal favourite is taking him for a skydiving trip without the parachute.”
6. Chasing After Delayed Alimony
Some men can be damn chao kuan, ONS fully endorse this view. So what shall you do if your ex-husband refuse to pay your rightful alimony?
“Scare the hell out of the bugger lah!” exclaim Ms Casper, the course instructor and personal assistant to Mr Gu Sai. “I was born one day after Halloween in Singapore, but at that very hour, it was Halloween at its best in America! Being a local born Angmoh Gui, I will teach you how to customize your scaring tactic according to your tradition belief!”
“As so you can see,” gleams Mr Gu Sai, “ONS really equips you with the necessary skill to manage your marriage in all stages. However, one important aspect is when to execute what you have learnt in ONS. Timing is very important. As such, allow me to introduce to you my most newly acquired personal assistant, Ms Rolex. She will teach you how to time action zhun zhun. Otherwise, you release the pontinak to chase after your alimony in the daytime then how? Huh? No worry lah! This Rolex is definitely not from Bangkok pasar malam. Just look at her figure, mann! Isn’t it the best evidence that she was acquired from Hourglass instead?”
Application for ONS is officially open. Interested applicant, please call 1800-COWSHIT. Idobaby members get a special discount by stating their nickname during application.
“This is an entirely new concept in the wedding industry,” declares Mr Gu Sai, CEO of CowShlt Inc. “ONS will prepare you for all aspects of your marriage lives. Unlike conventional wedding preparation courses which only help you in managing marital expectations, ONS takes a deeper stance on marriage, from beginning to the end.”
It was understood that ONS teaches the following modules to its students.
1. Looking Pretty and Catching Your Desired Birdy
To be a blissful bride, you must be at your prettiest during your wedding. And even though it was widely believed that marriage is a gamble, ONS believes that choosing your husband shouldn’t be one.
“I always like to say that the biggest bird may not be the strongest,” says Ms bEll, the course instructor and personal assistant to Mr Gu Sai. “The catch is knowing what bird you really want and how to catch the right bird. And if you are pretty like me, all birds flock to you literally.”
2. Shopping for the Right Wedding Stuffs
From the wedding gown, to the floral arrangements, to the wedding dinner door gifts, there are thousands of items to purchase. While other wedding planners have the tendency to burn a hole in your pocket, ONS teaches you how to save, save, save.
“Finding bargain has always been my forte,” declares Ms Cammy, the course instructor and personal assistant to Mr Gu Sai. “From China to America to Antarctica, you name it, I spree it! And if your spree exceeds $50000, we will throw in 2 bottles of Pokka Honeysuckle White Tea, absolutely free! Huh? Your husband has G6PD Deficiency huh? Then our CEO will drink them on his behalf loh!”
3. How to Do Housework with Charm
Marriage is a bed of roses, only that this bed requires to be made in the morning. ONS firmly believes one does not need to be relegated to the realm of 黄脸婆 when managing the house. In fact, you can look really charming while dusting off in your chambermaid outfit.
“Just look at how pinky my face is,” says Ms Charmed, the course instructor and personal assistant to Mr Gu Sai. “Chambermaid has always been the ultimate sexual fantasy of all men, so there must be something sensual about doing housework. The moaning and sweat from being all exhausted……. Now, if you will excuse me, I need to get into my CEO’s office and climb up the ladder to retrieve a book from the top shelf.”
4. Get Daring, Spice It Up!
What is food without spices and what is marriage without sex? ONS teaches you how to blend the two together seamlessly.
“Ever wondered why spices and sex both start with S?” muses Ms CowBoo, the course instructor and personal assistant to Mr Gu Sai. “It’s because they complement each other perfectly. Men always like their women hot right? ONS teaches you the perfect usage of chilli padi! No, it’s not the leftover chilli padi from CowShlt Inc Childcare Centre. Too hot? Then cool down with our extra large cucumber, guaranteed to give you the most juice and satisfaction….”
5. A Legal Approach to the Big D
Starting a race is always easy but ending it with stamina is a different story. To be a truly inclusive wedding preparation course, ONS also teaches you how to end the marriage amicably.
“Most women divorce because they feel squeezed by their marriage,” explains Ms Yazzy, the course instructor and personal assistant to Mr Gu Sai. “So when the marriage is finally over, we will teach you how to turn the table around and squeeze the hell out from your husband instead! My personal favourite is taking him for a skydiving trip without the parachute.”
6. Chasing After Delayed Alimony
Some men can be damn chao kuan, ONS fully endorse this view. So what shall you do if your ex-husband refuse to pay your rightful alimony?
“Scare the hell out of the bugger lah!” exclaim Ms Casper, the course instructor and personal assistant to Mr Gu Sai. “I was born one day after Halloween in Singapore, but at that very hour, it was Halloween at its best in America! Being a local born Angmoh Gui, I will teach you how to customize your scaring tactic according to your tradition belief!”
“As so you can see,” gleams Mr Gu Sai, “ONS really equips you with the necessary skill to manage your marriage in all stages. However, one important aspect is when to execute what you have learnt in ONS. Timing is very important. As such, allow me to introduce to you my most newly acquired personal assistant, Ms Rolex. She will teach you how to time action zhun zhun. Otherwise, you release the pontinak to chase after your alimony in the daytime then how? Huh? No worry lah! This Rolex is definitely not from Bangkok pasar malam. Just look at her figure, mann! Isn’t it the best evidence that she was acquired from Hourglass instead?”
Application for ONS is officially open. Interested applicant, please call 1800-COWSHIT. Idobaby members get a special discount by stating their nickname during application.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
CowShlt Inc CEO Allows Foreign Employees to Use Common Toilets in Level 3
Despite many protest from the white collared workers in CowShlt Inc, its CEO, Mr Gu Sai, has given the green light for foreign employees working on Level 2 and below to use the common toilets situated at Level 3.
CowShlt Inc office building has a total of 5 levels. It is understood that the top floor, Level 5, is occupied by its CEO, Mr Gu Sai, and his 6 executive secretaries code-named BCCCC+Y. All departmental managers with monthly income of more than $8000 are housed at Level 4. Level 3 is occupied by the executives while Levels 2 and 1 comprise the non-executives. Foreign workers who are Caucasians are automatically housed at Level 4 regardless of their abilities. Foreign workers who came from countries with standards of living lower than Singapore are banished to Level 1.
With tremendous expansion, CowShlt Inc resorted to recruiting large numbers of workers from developing countries. As such, the toilet facilities in Level 1 become inevitably insufficient. One idea brought up that time was to convert an unused toilet in Level 3 into a common toilet for the foreign workers. This suggestion, however, was met with strong resistance, especially from staffs at Level 3.
“How can such an idea be accepted?” wails Mr Silingong bin Gardun. “We are executives while they are lowly workers. They do not deserve to step on to Level 3 at all!”
“Level 3 is already so crowded, given the existence of the pantry,” concurs Mr Chin Hao Lian. “With those workers from Level 1 crowding our corridor, how are we going to around without coming in contact with their dirty bodies? Don’t forget that we executives at Level 3 have our bums as big as our egos!”
“And you know what?” chips in Mr Prop Per Tee. “The health product which I normally sell for an exorbitant price will now suffer a drop in value due to image loss! Imagine me having my angmoh customers visiting my showroom just to associate my products with those lowly people!”
To appease the anger of Level 3 staffs, Mr Gu Sai has announced that a special passageway will be built specially for the Level 1 people to access the common toilet.
“We will build a ladder behind the building for the Level 1 staffs to access the toilet,” explains Mr Gu Sai. “And after they have completed their business, they will slide down using this shiny fireman pole, build entirely on chrome. Don’t look down on these two items OK? They cost a hefty $2m hor! As for the pantry at Level 3, it will be visible to the Level 1 people, but they lan lan, can see but cannot touch.”
When commented that this move doesn’t seem humane, Mr Gu Sai replies, “What? You mean the Level 1 staffs are actually human? From the response of the Level 3 staffs, I thought we actually employed monkeys! Darn! So what should I do with the truckloads of peanuts I just bought to be used as salary for the Level 1 staffs?”
On a separate note, Mr Gu Sai announces that whoever caught napping in the toilets will be fined $200 for “misuse of common properties”.
CowShlt Inc office building has a total of 5 levels. It is understood that the top floor, Level 5, is occupied by its CEO, Mr Gu Sai, and his 6 executive secretaries code-named BCCCC+Y. All departmental managers with monthly income of more than $8000 are housed at Level 4. Level 3 is occupied by the executives while Levels 2 and 1 comprise the non-executives. Foreign workers who are Caucasians are automatically housed at Level 4 regardless of their abilities. Foreign workers who came from countries with standards of living lower than Singapore are banished to Level 1.
With tremendous expansion, CowShlt Inc resorted to recruiting large numbers of workers from developing countries. As such, the toilet facilities in Level 1 become inevitably insufficient. One idea brought up that time was to convert an unused toilet in Level 3 into a common toilet for the foreign workers. This suggestion, however, was met with strong resistance, especially from staffs at Level 3.
“How can such an idea be accepted?” wails Mr Silingong bin Gardun. “We are executives while they are lowly workers. They do not deserve to step on to Level 3 at all!”
“Level 3 is already so crowded, given the existence of the pantry,” concurs Mr Chin Hao Lian. “With those workers from Level 1 crowding our corridor, how are we going to around without coming in contact with their dirty bodies? Don’t forget that we executives at Level 3 have our bums as big as our egos!”
“And you know what?” chips in Mr Prop Per Tee. “The health product which I normally sell for an exorbitant price will now suffer a drop in value due to image loss! Imagine me having my angmoh customers visiting my showroom just to associate my products with those lowly people!”
To appease the anger of Level 3 staffs, Mr Gu Sai has announced that a special passageway will be built specially for the Level 1 people to access the common toilet.
“We will build a ladder behind the building for the Level 1 staffs to access the toilet,” explains Mr Gu Sai. “And after they have completed their business, they will slide down using this shiny fireman pole, build entirely on chrome. Don’t look down on these two items OK? They cost a hefty $2m hor! As for the pantry at Level 3, it will be visible to the Level 1 people, but they lan lan, can see but cannot touch.”
When commented that this move doesn’t seem humane, Mr Gu Sai replies, “What? You mean the Level 1 staffs are actually human? From the response of the Level 3 staffs, I thought we actually employed monkeys! Darn! So what should I do with the truckloads of peanuts I just bought to be used as salary for the Level 1 staffs?”
On a separate note, Mr Gu Sai announces that whoever caught napping in the toilets will be fined $200 for “misuse of common properties”.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Ministry of Health Appoints Former NKF CEO as Head of HOSEI
The Ministry of Health announced yesterday that former CEO of NKF, Mr Boh Liang Xim, has been appointed as the head of Human Organ Sales Ethic Investigation (HOSEI) to study the possibility of legalising trade of human organs.
"Me smart right?" mused Mr Moore Rer, Minister of Health. "At first i said i'm totally against organ trading as it is simply immoral. After a few days, i expressed that we should remain open to that possibility. In this way, i managed to secure the votes from both the moral-driven and choice-driven camps. And damn! By changing my mind so fast, i even brought myself closer to those fence-sitting voters! I expect to win my next election by 100% mann!
On why Mr Boh was handpicked for the top post, Mr Rer explained, "Just look at what are involved. Kidneys, money, ethics... Who do you think have the most experience in linking these three factors in? Mr Boh is the natural choice!"
"Hosei ah!" exclaimed Mr Boh. "Finally i'm given a new lease of life. Nobody understand the anxiety of waiting for an organ better than i do. In fact, till now i am still looking for a new heart since losing mine in 2006!"
On a separate event, Transport Minister Mr Yee Arh Pee has announced plans to regulate organ trading.
"I offer a very simple solution," beamed Mr Yee. "We will be erecting ERP gantries on all the roads leading the Transplant Centres. This way, the poor will not be exploited by organ trading. Because before they managed to sell their organs, they will already be fully exploited by the ERPs, leaving them nothing more to lose but everything to gain!"
"Me smart right?" mused Mr Moore Rer, Minister of Health. "At first i said i'm totally against organ trading as it is simply immoral. After a few days, i expressed that we should remain open to that possibility. In this way, i managed to secure the votes from both the moral-driven and choice-driven camps. And damn! By changing my mind so fast, i even brought myself closer to those fence-sitting voters! I expect to win my next election by 100% mann!
On why Mr Boh was handpicked for the top post, Mr Rer explained, "Just look at what are involved. Kidneys, money, ethics... Who do you think have the most experience in linking these three factors in? Mr Boh is the natural choice!"
"Hosei ah!" exclaimed Mr Boh. "Finally i'm given a new lease of life. Nobody understand the anxiety of waiting for an organ better than i do. In fact, till now i am still looking for a new heart since losing mine in 2006!"
On a separate event, Transport Minister Mr Yee Arh Pee has announced plans to regulate organ trading.
"I offer a very simple solution," beamed Mr Yee. "We will be erecting ERP gantries on all the roads leading the Transplant Centres. This way, the poor will not be exploited by organ trading. Because before they managed to sell their organs, they will already be fully exploited by the ERPs, leaving them nothing more to lose but everything to gain!"
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
CowShlt Inc & PigBrain Ltd Support Legalising of Human Organ Trade
When the nation is still heatedly debating on the subject of legalising trade of human organs, CowShlt Inc and her siser company, PigBrain Ltd have both expressed strong advocacy towards liberalising the market.
"I don't see what's the big fuss about trading organs," said a puzzled Ms Zhu Za Tang, Managing Director of PigBrain Ltd. "I mean, just make a trip to the market, and you will see so many organs of my fellow Pigs handing from the stalls. From Pig Organ Soup to Kway Chap to Bak Kut Teh, when has our organs not been traded? Some more didn't even ask for our permission before harvesting them!"
"Yes," concurred Mr Gu Sai, CEO of CowShlt Inc. "The health minister rejected liberalising of human organ trade on moral reason. If he is so moral-inclined, then call those doctors who performed transplant operation to do them for free lah! Want to be moral, then everybody moral together! Why only limit moral to the donor while the doctors charge an obscene amount? Is building two casinos in Singapore very moral? Is raising the age limit to withdraw our hardearned CPF very moral? Is erecting so many ERP gantries over the entire island very moral? Talk cock one leh!"
Meanwhile, local director Mr Jack Neo has announced his plan to make the 3rd instalment of his wildly popular movie, I Not Stupid.
"The story of I No Stupid 3 sees the few youths growing to young adulthood. By being in the lower educated realm, they naturally fall into the category of what the government believes as 'Stupid Enough to be Exploited to Sell Your Organs'. This movie shows how they fight against temptation to sell their organs, since the governemnt said it was morally worng to do so. I mean, what the government said must be correct, right?. However, one of them met with an accident shortly and died. His organs were then mercilessly taken away from him because he was too lowly educated to understand that he can actually opt out from HOTA."
Punters have a lot of stakes in the outcome of this debate too.
"We had recently launched a new betting scheme since European Cup has ended and the new EPL season has not started. Punters can bet directly on whether eventually the government will legalise the trading of human organs. Presently the odds are in favour of not legalising the act. However, punters should be aware that the odds may swing overnight to other end if a minister or celebrity suddenly needs an organ transplant."
"I don't see what's the big fuss about trading organs," said a puzzled Ms Zhu Za Tang, Managing Director of PigBrain Ltd. "I mean, just make a trip to the market, and you will see so many organs of my fellow Pigs handing from the stalls. From Pig Organ Soup to Kway Chap to Bak Kut Teh, when has our organs not been traded? Some more didn't even ask for our permission before harvesting them!"
"Yes," concurred Mr Gu Sai, CEO of CowShlt Inc. "The health minister rejected liberalising of human organ trade on moral reason. If he is so moral-inclined, then call those doctors who performed transplant operation to do them for free lah! Want to be moral, then everybody moral together! Why only limit moral to the donor while the doctors charge an obscene amount? Is building two casinos in Singapore very moral? Is raising the age limit to withdraw our hardearned CPF very moral? Is erecting so many ERP gantries over the entire island very moral? Talk cock one leh!"
Meanwhile, local director Mr Jack Neo has announced his plan to make the 3rd instalment of his wildly popular movie, I Not Stupid.
"The story of I No Stupid 3 sees the few youths growing to young adulthood. By being in the lower educated realm, they naturally fall into the category of what the government believes as 'Stupid Enough to be Exploited to Sell Your Organs'. This movie shows how they fight against temptation to sell their organs, since the governemnt said it was morally worng to do so. I mean, what the government said must be correct, right?. However, one of them met with an accident shortly and died. His organs were then mercilessly taken away from him because he was too lowly educated to understand that he can actually opt out from HOTA."
Punters have a lot of stakes in the outcome of this debate too.
"We had recently launched a new betting scheme since European Cup has ended and the new EPL season has not started. Punters can bet directly on whether eventually the government will legalise the trading of human organs. Presently the odds are in favour of not legalising the act. However, punters should be aware that the odds may swing overnight to other end if a minister or celebrity suddenly needs an organ transplant."
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Singapore Ready to Become Regional ERP Hub
The Singapore government recently revealed their grand vision of becoming the regional hub for Electronic Road Pricing.
"While our neighbours are busy planting flag on the Middle Rocks, we move one step ahead by planting even more ERP gantries!" mused Mr Cheng Hoo Lang, spokesperson of LTA. "In fact, we are now studying the profitability of installing an ERP gantry at Pedra Branca. Everyone in Singapore pays ERP to go work, so how can exception be made for those fellows working in Horsburg Lighthouse?"
The vision of becoming an ERP Hub has drawn flaks from a local geomacy expert.
"From the top, Singapore looks like crab," explains Mr Kwa Hong Jui. "And those ERP gantries looks like giant staplers. So, imagine planting so many staplers on a crab, how to live like that? Don't expect Singapore to rise in ranking again for the most livable cities liao lah!"
While car owners are moaning about the ever increasing cost of driving in Singapore, one company has set sights on grabbing this business opportunity.
"We are in the finalising talks with LTA now," announced Mr Gu Sai, CEO of CowShlt Inc. "On my hands now is the revolutionary tie-up between Cow's Jr and LTA. From 1st August 2008, motorists will be able to log in their orders for Cow's Jr through their In-Vehicle Unit. When they pass by an ERP gantry, their orders will be picked up and payments automatically deducted from their cashcards. They can then proceed to the Cow's Jr outlet of their choice to pick up their favourite McSlug Happy Meal."
When inquired about the unlucky motorists who have no chance to pass by any ERP gantry, Mr Gu said, "The LTA feels deeply for the unlucky motorist who yet have the chance to enjoy this special privilege. That's why the government has decided to erect an ERP gantry at the exit of every carpark by 1st Jan 2010. By then, ALL motorists can enjoy their favourite McSlug Happy Meal without frills! Kudos to the Transport Ministry!"
On a separate report, LTA has announced that carpark charges at residential areas will be increased to curb congestion issue.
"We noticed that the carparks at the residential areas are unusually congested since the implementation of more ERPs," explained Mr Cheng. "As such, to counter the problem of congestion in the carparks, LTA has decided to raise parking charges across island wide. Our Tranport authority firmly believes that raising charges can solve all problems. Transport Ministry boleh!"
"While our neighbours are busy planting flag on the Middle Rocks, we move one step ahead by planting even more ERP gantries!" mused Mr Cheng Hoo Lang, spokesperson of LTA. "In fact, we are now studying the profitability of installing an ERP gantry at Pedra Branca. Everyone in Singapore pays ERP to go work, so how can exception be made for those fellows working in Horsburg Lighthouse?"
The vision of becoming an ERP Hub has drawn flaks from a local geomacy expert.
"From the top, Singapore looks like crab," explains Mr Kwa Hong Jui. "And those ERP gantries looks like giant staplers. So, imagine planting so many staplers on a crab, how to live like that? Don't expect Singapore to rise in ranking again for the most livable cities liao lah!"
While car owners are moaning about the ever increasing cost of driving in Singapore, one company has set sights on grabbing this business opportunity.
"We are in the finalising talks with LTA now," announced Mr Gu Sai, CEO of CowShlt Inc. "On my hands now is the revolutionary tie-up between Cow's Jr and LTA. From 1st August 2008, motorists will be able to log in their orders for Cow's Jr through their In-Vehicle Unit. When they pass by an ERP gantry, their orders will be picked up and payments automatically deducted from their cashcards. They can then proceed to the Cow's Jr outlet of their choice to pick up their favourite McSlug Happy Meal."
When inquired about the unlucky motorists who have no chance to pass by any ERP gantry, Mr Gu said, "The LTA feels deeply for the unlucky motorist who yet have the chance to enjoy this special privilege. That's why the government has decided to erect an ERP gantry at the exit of every carpark by 1st Jan 2010. By then, ALL motorists can enjoy their favourite McSlug Happy Meal without frills! Kudos to the Transport Ministry!"
On a separate report, LTA has announced that carpark charges at residential areas will be increased to curb congestion issue.
"We noticed that the carparks at the residential areas are unusually congested since the implementation of more ERPs," explained Mr Cheng. "As such, to counter the problem of congestion in the carparks, LTA has decided to raise parking charges across island wide. Our Tranport authority firmly believes that raising charges can solve all problems. Transport Ministry boleh!"
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
CowShlt Inc All Ready to Take Over Governance of South Korea
Following the mass resignation of the cabinet, South Korea has decided to outsource their government via a closed-door tender.
"It is our utmost honour to receive the Request for Proposal from South Korea," said Mr Gu Sai, CEO of CowShlt Inc. "CowShlt Inc has all along maintained a very close relationship with South Korea. Whenever our supply for CowShlt runs low, i always send my Cowlings to South Korea. And they never fail to produce loads of CowShlt after a few days of eating kimchi."
Mr Gu indicated that CowShlt Inc will go all out to win the tender.
"Realistically, CowShlt Inc has a better chance than any other competitors. The plight of the current government is caused by beef. So, who else is a better candidate to tackle this cowly issue than CowShlt Inc?"
While the company seems upbeat on the surface, it is also riled by rumours that the company's CEO is not seeing eye-to-eye with his deputy, Ms Enxiii, on where to set its headquarter in South Korea.
"While the day-to-day operations of CowShlt Inc rest solely on Mr Gu's shoulders, decision on logistic issue is made solely by me," explained Ms Enxiii. "That Mr Gu keep insisting on building our base at that beach featured in 秋天的童话, hoping to bump into 恩熙. Not a chance, OK! I have decided, we will build our base at the ski resort in 冬季恋歌 instead. Then, i can bump into 斐勇俊 and Mr Gu can bump into THIS Enxiii!"
"It is our utmost honour to receive the Request for Proposal from South Korea," said Mr Gu Sai, CEO of CowShlt Inc. "CowShlt Inc has all along maintained a very close relationship with South Korea. Whenever our supply for CowShlt runs low, i always send my Cowlings to South Korea. And they never fail to produce loads of CowShlt after a few days of eating kimchi."
Mr Gu indicated that CowShlt Inc will go all out to win the tender.
"Realistically, CowShlt Inc has a better chance than any other competitors. The plight of the current government is caused by beef. So, who else is a better candidate to tackle this cowly issue than CowShlt Inc?"
While the company seems upbeat on the surface, it is also riled by rumours that the company's CEO is not seeing eye-to-eye with his deputy, Ms Enxiii, on where to set its headquarter in South Korea.
"While the day-to-day operations of CowShlt Inc rest solely on Mr Gu's shoulders, decision on logistic issue is made solely by me," explained Ms Enxiii. "That Mr Gu keep insisting on building our base at that beach featured in 秋天的童话, hoping to bump into 恩熙. Not a chance, OK! I have decided, we will build our base at the ski resort in 冬季恋歌 instead. Then, i can bump into 斐勇俊 and Mr Gu can bump into THIS Enxiii!"
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
I'm Back!
Hi Cowlings, i'm back in Singapore finally. Came back in one piece, although a couple of Cow Peh's comrades were not so lucky. I heard that the injury rate for this training is a record high. Perhaps it's due to the extremely hot weather in Thailand. At once, the temperature even soared to 48.5 degrees Celcius. Enough to fry an egg on the tarmac floor.
Cow Peh is glad to be back, but also sad to leave Thailand. Glad to finally be together again with Cow Peh's family. Sad to depart from the closest that Cow Peh has ever got to be with Mother Nature. But, seems like in today's world, being alive is already a miracle. When the cyclone in Myammar has barely settled, Sichuan suffered the massive earthquake. My condolence to all people of the affected regions.
Take care, all Cowlings. Take extra care, BCCCE+Y. Somehow Bell's and Charmed's face kept flashing across my mind in a sudden throughout this training, i wonder why.
Cow Peh is glad to be back, but also sad to leave Thailand. Glad to finally be together again with Cow Peh's family. Sad to depart from the closest that Cow Peh has ever got to be with Mother Nature. But, seems like in today's world, being alive is already a miracle. When the cyclone in Myammar has barely settled, Sichuan suffered the massive earthquake. My condolence to all people of the affected regions.
Take care, all Cowlings. Take extra care, BCCCE+Y. Somehow Bell's and Charmed's face kept flashing across my mind in a sudden throughout this training, i wonder why.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
No More Updates....
... for the next 4 weeks at least.
Cow Peh is going oversea for his In Camp Training this year. Will be away for close to the entire month. Hopefully when Cow Peh returns to Singapore, the pile of work at Cow Peh's office desk has mysteriously disappeared. Otherwise... brace yourself for an even longer crapless period.
Happy May Day, cowlings!
Cow Peh is going oversea for his In Camp Training this year. Will be away for close to the entire month. Hopefully when Cow Peh returns to Singapore, the pile of work at Cow Peh's office desk has mysteriously disappeared. Otherwise... brace yourself for an even longer crapless period.
Happy May Day, cowlings!
Friday, April 25, 2008
CowShlt Inc Sent into Frenzy over Disappearance of Nasi Lemak
The entire CowShlt Inc was sent into a frenzy when its F&B Manager, Mr Nas Sigoreng, lost 20 packets of nasi lemak meant for staff consumption.
"I really don't know what happened," sighed Mr Sigoreng. "It was just a normal day which i went out to tabao nasi lemak for my staffs. While coming back, i suddenly need to use the toilet. So i left the nasi lemak alone on the table but when i return, it was all gone!"
The floor was abuzz with speculations whether it was an internal job.
"I heard from a colleague who heard from another colleague that the nasi lemak has actually all gone chao sng," said Mr Gor Seep Ping. "Mr Sigoreng actually secretly threw away all the nasi lemak and report them as missing so that he can still claim the petty cash. Otherwise, he will have to fork out all the money himself for the nasi lemak, plus the doctor fees!"
While speculations are hot and fierce among the ground staffs, the upper management is still divided on whether Mr Sigoreng should resign as an act of responsibility.
"Do you know how much rice cost nowadays?" questioned Ms Kao Mum Nee, Finance Manager of CowShlt Inc. "To lose this amount of rice is equivalent to losing your job. Though i like him very much, i still think that Nas must go!"
"We shouldn't punish Nas for one single mistake," explained Mr Hum Sup Low. "We must recognise Nas's merits in providing us with so many years of good food. Till date, his kway png is still the best! I can still remember him bringing me to Geylang in search of the freshest chick. And i must say that the China kways that he recommended are really young and tender......"
"I believe in giving Nas a second chance," proclaimed Mr Gu Sai, CEO of CowShlt Inc. "Nas has contributed much towards the company and i cannot afford to lose any of my manager. At least, not until my deputy Ms Enxiii decides to come back from her long leave. And if you would excuse me, i like to go to the toilet now. Will you be kind enough to hold on to this packet of nasi lemak for me? Huh? No lah! How can history repeat itself when i had already sawn off the handle of the spoon inside?"
"I really don't know what happened," sighed Mr Sigoreng. "It was just a normal day which i went out to tabao nasi lemak for my staffs. While coming back, i suddenly need to use the toilet. So i left the nasi lemak alone on the table but when i return, it was all gone!"
The floor was abuzz with speculations whether it was an internal job.
"I heard from a colleague who heard from another colleague that the nasi lemak has actually all gone chao sng," said Mr Gor Seep Ping. "Mr Sigoreng actually secretly threw away all the nasi lemak and report them as missing so that he can still claim the petty cash. Otherwise, he will have to fork out all the money himself for the nasi lemak, plus the doctor fees!"
While speculations are hot and fierce among the ground staffs, the upper management is still divided on whether Mr Sigoreng should resign as an act of responsibility.
"Do you know how much rice cost nowadays?" questioned Ms Kao Mum Nee, Finance Manager of CowShlt Inc. "To lose this amount of rice is equivalent to losing your job. Though i like him very much, i still think that Nas must go!"
"We shouldn't punish Nas for one single mistake," explained Mr Hum Sup Low. "We must recognise Nas's merits in providing us with so many years of good food. Till date, his kway png is still the best! I can still remember him bringing me to Geylang in search of the freshest chick. And i must say that the China kways that he recommended are really young and tender......"
"I believe in giving Nas a second chance," proclaimed Mr Gu Sai, CEO of CowShlt Inc. "Nas has contributed much towards the company and i cannot afford to lose any of my manager. At least, not until my deputy Ms Enxiii decides to come back from her long leave. And if you would excuse me, i like to go to the toilet now. Will you be kind enough to hold on to this packet of nasi lemak for me? Huh? No lah! How can history repeat itself when i had already sawn off the handle of the spoon inside?"
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
CowShlt Inc Employee Sent to Hospital after Fainting in Lift
A staff of Singapore's most premire company, CowShlt Inc, was sent to hospital after fainting in the office lift. According to sources, Ms Waheen Leow has complained of breathing difficulties before she passed out. As the symptoms are largely alike, the Police Force has linked their investigation together with the unknown gas case take took place in Golden Landmark Shopping Complex.
The police has rounded up their suspects to the 4 person who were inside the lift with Ms Leow when she fainted.
"Damn suay to be considered as a suspect!" groaned Mr Mah Reh Thon, a colleague of Ms Leow. "To train myself for the upcoming Olympics, i actually ran from my home in Jurong to here in Changi. And the police still has to detain me for questioning. Look! I didn't even have the time to bathe yet!"
"Yaloh!" agreed the 2nd suspect who only identified himself with the initial L.S. "It is truly a bad day for me. The curry i took last night was already taking its toll on me. I was actually praying for the lift to quickly bring me up to my office so i can use the toilet. In fact, i was holding back myself so much just now in the lift until i let some gas out. Luckily it was the silent type which no one else notice. And if you will excuse me, i like to visit the toilet again now."
The 3rd suspect is a delivery boy from a nearby eatery. "Early in the morning have to meet with such thing..... Now that the food has turned stale, i have to exchange for a fresh one again!" When questioned on what food he was delivering at that point of time, the boy delightfully replied, "台湾臭豆腐 loh! You want some? I sell these to you cheap cheap!"
The 4th suspect, another colleague of Ms Leow, claimed total innocence. "How can the police suspect me when i was the last to enter the lift?" exclaimed Mr Kou Chou. "I had a great start for the day enjoying my all-you-can-eat buffet breakfast at the Garlic Restaurant. I tell you, their grilled garlic is so wonderful that i actually ate 20 of them in a row! In anyway, when i entered the lift, Ms Leow was already swaying back and forth. Being the concerned colleague, i simply got face-to-face with her and asked her if she is doing fine. Who will expect her to faint at that very moment?"
The police declined interview as the case is currently under investigation.
The police has rounded up their suspects to the 4 person who were inside the lift with Ms Leow when she fainted.
"Damn suay to be considered as a suspect!" groaned Mr Mah Reh Thon, a colleague of Ms Leow. "To train myself for the upcoming Olympics, i actually ran from my home in Jurong to here in Changi. And the police still has to detain me for questioning. Look! I didn't even have the time to bathe yet!"
"Yaloh!" agreed the 2nd suspect who only identified himself with the initial L.S. "It is truly a bad day for me. The curry i took last night was already taking its toll on me. I was actually praying for the lift to quickly bring me up to my office so i can use the toilet. In fact, i was holding back myself so much just now in the lift until i let some gas out. Luckily it was the silent type which no one else notice. And if you will excuse me, i like to visit the toilet again now."
The 3rd suspect is a delivery boy from a nearby eatery. "Early in the morning have to meet with such thing..... Now that the food has turned stale, i have to exchange for a fresh one again!" When questioned on what food he was delivering at that point of time, the boy delightfully replied, "台湾臭豆腐 loh! You want some? I sell these to you cheap cheap!"
The 4th suspect, another colleague of Ms Leow, claimed total innocence. "How can the police suspect me when i was the last to enter the lift?" exclaimed Mr Kou Chou. "I had a great start for the day enjoying my all-you-can-eat buffet breakfast at the Garlic Restaurant. I tell you, their grilled garlic is so wonderful that i actually ate 20 of them in a row! In anyway, when i entered the lift, Ms Leow was already swaying back and forth. Being the concerned colleague, i simply got face-to-face with her and asked her if she is doing fine. Who will expect her to faint at that very moment?"
The police declined interview as the case is currently under investigation.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
What if the Heavy Downpour Results in State-of-Emergency?
The recent downpour does not seem to be ending soon. If the heavy downpour results in a state-of-emergency and safety shelters have to be built, are Singaporeans prepared?
CowShlt Inc speculates what could be heard during the time of emergency.
1. How come the government didn’t arrange the flood to take place during off-peak hours? Now I can’t take the MRT to the safety shelter, how?
2. How come the government didn’t build a sheltered walkway from my home to the safety shelter so I won’t get wet from the horrendous downpour?
3. How come there is an ERP gantry erected at the entrance of every safety shelter?
4. How come there is an upgrade to the safety shelters only in the PAP constituencies?
5. How come only the angmohs have stewardess serving them in the safety shelters?
6. How come I still have to ballot for a place in the more popular safety shelters?
7. How come the safety shelters no aircon one?
8. How come there must be a fixed quota of place in the safety shelters based on ethnic groups?
9. How come the amount of relief I should receive depends on the size of my safety shelter?
10. How come the mee siam served in the safety shelters all got hums one?
CowShlt Inc speculates what could be heard during the time of emergency.
1. How come the government didn’t arrange the flood to take place during off-peak hours? Now I can’t take the MRT to the safety shelter, how?
2. How come the government didn’t build a sheltered walkway from my home to the safety shelter so I won’t get wet from the horrendous downpour?
3. How come there is an ERP gantry erected at the entrance of every safety shelter?
4. How come there is an upgrade to the safety shelters only in the PAP constituencies?
5. How come only the angmohs have stewardess serving them in the safety shelters?
6. How come I still have to ballot for a place in the more popular safety shelters?
7. How come the safety shelters no aircon one?
8. How come there must be a fixed quota of place in the safety shelters based on ethnic groups?
9. How come the amount of relief I should receive depends on the size of my safety shelter?
10. How come the mee siam served in the safety shelters all got hums one?
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Singapore Police Received Several Wrong Tip-off for Whereabout of Mas Selamat
After the escape of Singapore's most wanted man, the Police force has been receiving a steady stream of tip-off from the public who claimed to have spotted the sightings of Mas Selamat.
The first tip-off from Mr Sah Boh Kin led the police to SJI, or St Joseph Institute, at Whitley Road which is just a stone throw away from the ISA detention barrack. The police, acting on Mr Sah's tip-off, found the principal of SJI instead.
"I heard from the radio that the leader of a something JI escape from Whitley Road mah!" explains Mr Soh. "So i immediately thought that the principal of SJI has ran away from the school loh! Who knows that the police is actually looking for another JI leader... I tell you hor, it's all the government's fault for having so many acronyms so similar. I'm only doing my best to help!"
The second tip-off actually brought the Police force all the way to England. According to Mr Yee Pee Ell, a 'familiar face' was seen limping like how Mas Selamat does.
The police officer, while sipping English Breakfast Tea along Thames River, has confirmed that the suspect is not Mas Selamat, but Eduardo da Silva from Arsenal Football Club.
The third tip-off has the Police force searching for Mas Selamat at Changi Village, believing he is making a sea route escape after a call from Mr Chow Hee Lang. The search has proven to be futile, too.
"What? Not possible lah! How can the Police not find it?" questions Mr Chow. "You go ask anybody at Changi Village, everyone can also point you to the right direction lah, so famous there! Do i know who the Police is searching for? Of course i know lah! Huh?? Who is Mas Selamat? I never heard of him."
When questioned on why he tipped-off the Police force on the Changi Village location then, Mr Chow answered, "i heard from the radio that the police is searching for nasi lemak mah!"
The first tip-off from Mr Sah Boh Kin led the police to SJI, or St Joseph Institute, at Whitley Road which is just a stone throw away from the ISA detention barrack. The police, acting on Mr Sah's tip-off, found the principal of SJI instead.
"I heard from the radio that the leader of a something JI escape from Whitley Road mah!" explains Mr Soh. "So i immediately thought that the principal of SJI has ran away from the school loh! Who knows that the police is actually looking for another JI leader... I tell you hor, it's all the government's fault for having so many acronyms so similar. I'm only doing my best to help!"
The second tip-off actually brought the Police force all the way to England. According to Mr Yee Pee Ell, a 'familiar face' was seen limping like how Mas Selamat does.
The police officer, while sipping English Breakfast Tea along Thames River, has confirmed that the suspect is not Mas Selamat, but Eduardo da Silva from Arsenal Football Club.
The third tip-off has the Police force searching for Mas Selamat at Changi Village, believing he is making a sea route escape after a call from Mr Chow Hee Lang. The search has proven to be futile, too.
"What? Not possible lah! How can the Police not find it?" questions Mr Chow. "You go ask anybody at Changi Village, everyone can also point you to the right direction lah, so famous there! Do i know who the Police is searching for? Of course i know lah! Huh?? Who is Mas Selamat? I never heard of him."
When questioned on why he tipped-off the Police force on the Changi Village location then, Mr Chow answered, "i heard from the radio that the police is searching for nasi lemak mah!"
Monday, February 25, 2008
CowShlt Inc 1st Anniversary Loyalty Award Prize Winner
ATTN: THE SELECTED COWLING
FROM: THE CEO DESK, COWSHIT INC
COWSHIT 1ST ANNIVERSARY LOYALTY AWARD
AWARD NOTIFICATION: FINAL NOTICE
Lucky Cowling,
If you can read this post, it means you are the selected winner of the grand prize of CowShlt Inc. 1st Anniversary Loyalty Award! Winner of this award is selected randomly via your IP addresses. Every time you visit CowShlt Inc. website, your IP address is logged and added to the pool of lucky draw participants. YOUR IP address has been selected by our database on 1 Feb 2008 as the grand prize winner. Congratulations but please do not share this news with other Cowlings as this post will only appear on YOUR computer with the same IP address.
You are hereby approved a prize money of Eighty Eight Thousand, Eight Hundred Singapore (SGD88,800) in vouchers for the 2008 range of top products. This promotion is jointly organized by Goggle Awards & Windows Live. Apart from CowShlt Inc., several other participants were selected through Java-based software balloting system drawn from one hundred thousand visitors to blogs and websites from Canada, Australia, United States, Asia, Europe, Middle East and Africa as part of our international promotions program which is conducted towards the 4th quarter of last year.
This lottery is co-sponsored by the MygoSoft Company as their social welfare to the individuals in areas where they have operational base, who are active on internet. Furthermore, your detail (IP address) falls within our Asian representative office in Shenton Way, Singapore. As indicated in your play coupon, your prize of (SGD88,800)will be released to you from our CowShlt Inc. headquarter Office here in Singapore.
HOW TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE: Simply contact our Financial Department Manager, Dr Soh Nai Eve (cowshlt@gmail.com) with your IP address. Remember, your prize must be claimed not later than 20 days from today, as your visit to CowShlt Inc. has already been captured with your IP address.
Congratulations once again on your winning!
Also ensure you include the following information in your email to ensure a safe and quick delivery. Any breach of confidentiality on the part of winners will result in a forfeiture of the prize.
1. Full Name
2. Present Address
3. Date Of Birth
4. Telephone Number
5. Marital Status
6. IP Address
7. A most recent taken full body photograph of yourself
I await sincerely for your response.
Best wishes,
Gu Sai,
CEO, CowShlt Inc
FROM: THE CEO DESK, COWSHIT INC
COWSHIT 1ST ANNIVERSARY LOYALTY AWARD
AWARD NOTIFICATION: FINAL NOTICE
Lucky Cowling,
If you can read this post, it means you are the selected winner of the grand prize of CowShlt Inc. 1st Anniversary Loyalty Award! Winner of this award is selected randomly via your IP addresses. Every time you visit CowShlt Inc. website, your IP address is logged and added to the pool of lucky draw participants. YOUR IP address has been selected by our database on 1 Feb 2008 as the grand prize winner. Congratulations but please do not share this news with other Cowlings as this post will only appear on YOUR computer with the same IP address.
You are hereby approved a prize money of Eighty Eight Thousand, Eight Hundred Singapore (SGD88,800) in vouchers for the 2008 range of top products. This promotion is jointly organized by Goggle Awards & Windows Live. Apart from CowShlt Inc., several other participants were selected through Java-based software balloting system drawn from one hundred thousand visitors to blogs and websites from Canada, Australia, United States, Asia, Europe, Middle East and Africa as part of our international promotions program which is conducted towards the 4th quarter of last year.
This lottery is co-sponsored by the MygoSoft Company as their social welfare to the individuals in areas where they have operational base, who are active on internet. Furthermore, your detail (IP address) falls within our Asian representative office in Shenton Way, Singapore. As indicated in your play coupon, your prize of (SGD88,800)will be released to you from our CowShlt Inc. headquarter Office here in Singapore.
HOW TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE: Simply contact our Financial Department Manager, Dr Soh Nai Eve (cowshlt@gmail.com) with your IP address. Remember, your prize must be claimed not later than 20 days from today, as your visit to CowShlt Inc. has already been captured with your IP address.
Congratulations once again on your winning!
Also ensure you include the following information in your email to ensure a safe and quick delivery. Any breach of confidentiality on the part of winners will result in a forfeiture of the prize.
1. Full Name
2. Present Address
3. Date Of Birth
4. Telephone Number
5. Marital Status
6. IP Address
7. A most recent taken full body photograph of yourself
I await sincerely for your response.
Best wishes,
Gu Sai,
CEO, CowShlt Inc
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
CowShlt Poems for the Valentine Soul
Today is Valentine's Day. To busk in the atmosphere of this festival of love, Cow Peh has specially penned 5 poems in dedication to all Valentine's couple.....
1. Roses & Violets
Roses are red
Violets are blue
When the invoice came
Then you kao peh kao bu
2. Chocolate & Candy
Sweet as a chocolate
Nice like a candy
If I go pak tor with you
I sure kenna diabetes
3. To Conquer & Be Free
Love will conquer all
Love will set you free
When you wake up tomorrow
Don’t ask me to bear responsibility
4. Beauty is Forever
You are so beautiful to me
You are everything I will ever see
You took down your make-up finally
Then I realize you actually sibei ugly
5. Cupid's Work
Childhood playmates we are known
Destined together we were told
Then Cupid draws out his arrow
To realize he left his bow at home
CowShlt Inc wishes all Cowlings a happy Valentine's Day.
1. Roses & Violets
Roses are red
Violets are blue
When the invoice came
Then you kao peh kao bu
2. Chocolate & Candy
Sweet as a chocolate
Nice like a candy
If I go pak tor with you
I sure kenna diabetes
3. To Conquer & Be Free
Love will conquer all
Love will set you free
When you wake up tomorrow
Don’t ask me to bear responsibility
4. Beauty is Forever
You are so beautiful to me
You are everything I will ever see
You took down your make-up finally
Then I realize you actually sibei ugly
5. Cupid's Work
Childhood playmates we are known
Destined together we were told
Then Cupid draws out his arrow
To realize he left his bow at home
CowShlt Inc wishes all Cowlings a happy Valentine's Day.
Monday, February 11, 2008
The Fight is Now On for the Next Singapore Zoo Icon
Since the untimely dismissal of Ah Meng on the very first day of 2008 Chinese New Year, the search for the next Singapore Zoo icon is hot on its heels.
“As the saying goes,” explains Mr Lau Gao, Public Relation Manager of Singapore Zoo, “the show must go on. We truly love Ah Meng, but the need for an icon precedes all emotions. Thus, we must elect a new icon as soon as possible to lead the Singapore Zoo towards globalization.”
It was known that the short-listed candidates have been reduced to the final 3 - Polar Bear “Inuka”, Bull Elephant "Chawang” and the unborn Orang Utan “Ah Meng Junior”.
CowShlt Inc assesses on the three animals and boldly predict the outcome of the fight to becoming the next Singapore Zoo’s icon.
Bull Elephant "Chawang”
The least likely of the three contenders. Face it, he hurt his handler before. The big yellow ribbon that he ties on his trunk had got him to where he is now – at the Singapore Night Safari as their key attraction. But that will be as far as it will be. Chawang is not breed in Singapore, and his birthplace hardly qualifies him as Foreign Talent. Despite his enormous size, he is destined to earn his livings in the construction industry.
Polar Bear “Inuka”
A hot favourite among the Singapore girls. Charming, elusive and most of all, he’s white. Born locally by his expatriate mother, Inuka has been the centre of attraction everywhere he goes. He is the exact opposite of many Singaporeans – white on the outside, yellow on the inside – which made him all the more affable to the Sarong Party Girls. While Chawang has to slog in the open air pulling logs, Inuka has the comfort of his own private air-conditioned office. Rumour has it that even the tap used for filling up his swimming pool is made of gold.
Orang Utan “Ah Meng Junior”
Clearly the winner despite the hard work of Chawang and the charisma of Inuka. Born into the family of Singapore Zoo’s first-ever icon, he is pre-destined to receive the best treatment in everything. Detractors label him as White Horse, even though he is clearly an orang utan. CowShlt Inc is aware that Ah Meng Junior is not even born. But fret not. All Singapore Zoo needs is a seat warmer until Ah Meng Junior is all ready to take over the rein of power. Best of all, you just need to feed him "peanuts".
“As the saying goes,” explains Mr Lau Gao, Public Relation Manager of Singapore Zoo, “the show must go on. We truly love Ah Meng, but the need for an icon precedes all emotions. Thus, we must elect a new icon as soon as possible to lead the Singapore Zoo towards globalization.”
It was known that the short-listed candidates have been reduced to the final 3 - Polar Bear “Inuka”, Bull Elephant "Chawang” and the unborn Orang Utan “Ah Meng Junior”.
CowShlt Inc assesses on the three animals and boldly predict the outcome of the fight to becoming the next Singapore Zoo’s icon.
Bull Elephant "Chawang”
The least likely of the three contenders. Face it, he hurt his handler before. The big yellow ribbon that he ties on his trunk had got him to where he is now – at the Singapore Night Safari as their key attraction. But that will be as far as it will be. Chawang is not breed in Singapore, and his birthplace hardly qualifies him as Foreign Talent. Despite his enormous size, he is destined to earn his livings in the construction industry.
Polar Bear “Inuka”
A hot favourite among the Singapore girls. Charming, elusive and most of all, he’s white. Born locally by his expatriate mother, Inuka has been the centre of attraction everywhere he goes. He is the exact opposite of many Singaporeans – white on the outside, yellow on the inside – which made him all the more affable to the Sarong Party Girls. While Chawang has to slog in the open air pulling logs, Inuka has the comfort of his own private air-conditioned office. Rumour has it that even the tap used for filling up his swimming pool is made of gold.
Orang Utan “Ah Meng Junior”
Clearly the winner despite the hard work of Chawang and the charisma of Inuka. Born into the family of Singapore Zoo’s first-ever icon, he is pre-destined to receive the best treatment in everything. Detractors label him as White Horse, even though he is clearly an orang utan. CowShlt Inc is aware that Ah Meng Junior is not even born. But fret not. All Singapore Zoo needs is a seat warmer until Ah Meng Junior is all ready to take over the rein of power. Best of all, you just need to feed him "peanuts".
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Unspoken Angpow Rules when Visiting Your Ministers during CNY
恭喜发财! It is finally time to usher in the Year of the Rat. Being the high-flyers of CowShlt Inc, i believe many Cowlings will be visiting our Singapore Ministers during this Chinese New Year. The ministers, being all human, receive and distribute angpows too during this festival. Cow Peh will like to remind all Cowlings of the following unspoken rules when visiting them in order to prevent any unhapppiness from arising.
If you are visiting......
Transport Minister: Your angpow will be automatically deducted the moment you cross through his door. The amount to deduct will depend on whether you are visiting the minister during the peak hours.
Environment Minister: You are encouraged to open your angpow on the spot and dispose all used angpows into the recycling collection bin.
Home Affairs Minister: Your angpow will first go through an x-ray screening before landing on the minister's hand.
Information, Communication and Arts Minister: Your angpow will be passed to a panel of reviewers. Any inappropriate text or graphic will be censored.
Education Minister: Your angpow will be guaged alongside with your performance from the previous CNY. Your angpow will then be duly ranked under the category of "Value Adding".
Health Minister: You will first need to go through a series of mean testing before the minister decides how much angpow to give.
Defence Minister: If you are unhappy with the anngpow you received, remember to give feedback through the right channel.
Community Service, Youth and Sports Minister: 15% of your angpow received will be deducted as levy to groom the next generation.
Manpower Minister: Your angpow will be temporary kept by the minister. You will only be able to withdraw your angpow after you turned 65.
Finance Minister: Angpow? What angpow? The finance minister is not the Fortune God OK??!
CowShlt Inc wishes all Cowlings Happy Ratty New Year!
If you are visiting......
Transport Minister: Your angpow will be automatically deducted the moment you cross through his door. The amount to deduct will depend on whether you are visiting the minister during the peak hours.
Environment Minister: You are encouraged to open your angpow on the spot and dispose all used angpows into the recycling collection bin.
Home Affairs Minister: Your angpow will first go through an x-ray screening before landing on the minister's hand.
Information, Communication and Arts Minister: Your angpow will be passed to a panel of reviewers. Any inappropriate text or graphic will be censored.
Education Minister: Your angpow will be guaged alongside with your performance from the previous CNY. Your angpow will then be duly ranked under the category of "Value Adding".
Health Minister: You will first need to go through a series of mean testing before the minister decides how much angpow to give.
Defence Minister: If you are unhappy with the anngpow you received, remember to give feedback through the right channel.
Community Service, Youth and Sports Minister: 15% of your angpow received will be deducted as levy to groom the next generation.
Manpower Minister: Your angpow will be temporary kept by the minister. You will only be able to withdraw your angpow after you turned 65.
Finance Minister: Angpow? What angpow? The finance minister is not the Fortune God OK??!
CowShlt Inc wishes all Cowlings Happy Ratty New Year!
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Falling Gantry Hits Taxi
A height limit gantry, after being hit by a crane-attached lorry, fell and hit a taxi instead today along Sunset Way.
Both the taxi driver and his passenger were unhurt in the event.
“Can you find anyone more suay than me?” laments Mr Tio Tau Pio, the taxi driver. “Within one day, I was hit twice. When the rates at some ERP gantry went up, I was hit. Then this height limit gantry fell down, I also kenna hit! Think I better go pray pray to Tua Pek Kong tonight……”
This reporter was notified that the passenger in this taxi was the driver whose car were smashed by the falling branch along Bedok South Road on 15 Jan 2008.
The passenger, who refuse to give her name, said, “If the taxi uncle wants to compare suayness, then nobody beats me lah! Everywhere I drive to, there seems to be falling things. Now even when I kuai kuai take taxi, also kenna falling hazards. I prayed for money to fall from the sky, but I think Ti Kong misunderstood me and give me all this falling disasters instead!”
The lorry driver, a young man in his early twenties, is assisting the police with the investigation.
“I did retract the crane last night one,” he proclaimed. “But you know lah, cars are like men. With a crane so long and thick, it’s natural to rise up and extend itself early in the morning one mah! You should know lah, with all the fluid storing readily in the crane throughout the cold night, they will expand the moment the first sunlight shines on it. It’s a natural urge!”
This accident has lead to a swift decision by LTA. Its spokesperson, Ms Yee Arh Pee, held a press-release immediately stating “now that one height limit gantry has fallen down, LTA has no choice but to further raise the toll charges of other ERP gantries to recoup the replacement fee.”
Both the taxi driver and his passenger were unhurt in the event.
“Can you find anyone more suay than me?” laments Mr Tio Tau Pio, the taxi driver. “Within one day, I was hit twice. When the rates at some ERP gantry went up, I was hit. Then this height limit gantry fell down, I also kenna hit! Think I better go pray pray to Tua Pek Kong tonight……”
This reporter was notified that the passenger in this taxi was the driver whose car were smashed by the falling branch along Bedok South Road on 15 Jan 2008.
The passenger, who refuse to give her name, said, “If the taxi uncle wants to compare suayness, then nobody beats me lah! Everywhere I drive to, there seems to be falling things. Now even when I kuai kuai take taxi, also kenna falling hazards. I prayed for money to fall from the sky, but I think Ti Kong misunderstood me and give me all this falling disasters instead!”
The lorry driver, a young man in his early twenties, is assisting the police with the investigation.
“I did retract the crane last night one,” he proclaimed. “But you know lah, cars are like men. With a crane so long and thick, it’s natural to rise up and extend itself early in the morning one mah! You should know lah, with all the fluid storing readily in the crane throughout the cold night, they will expand the moment the first sunlight shines on it. It’s a natural urge!”
This accident has lead to a swift decision by LTA. Its spokesperson, Ms Yee Arh Pee, held a press-release immediately stating “now that one height limit gantry has fallen down, LTA has no choice but to further raise the toll charges of other ERP gantries to recoup the replacement fee.”
Thursday, January 24, 2008
RSAF Jets Scrambled to Intercept Private Plane
The RSAF did a quick job to intercept a private plane heading to Singapore without permission. Two of her missile-armed F16D jets took off around 6:45 pm and brought the single-engine turboprop Cessna 208 to land at the Changi Airport.
Just what did the two RSAF pilots said to the two Australian pilots to convince them to touch down so effectively? CowShlt Inc speculates…………………..
1. Congratulations! You are the 10,000th visitor to Singapore in 2008! Please proceed to Changi Airport now to claim your prize.
2. Do you know that flying is extremely dangerous? And if you can just give us 5 minutes, i will like to hop over and introduce you this insurance policy which will give you best coverage.
3. You land at Changi Airport now, i take to you Changi Village for nasi lemak. I branja!
4. Go to Changi Airport for refueling now! Got 20% discount, you know? Some more can earn loyalty points!
5. There’s an ERP gantry in front! Got bring Cashcard or not?
6. We had arranged a few Sarong Party Girls waiting for you at Changi Airport now leh………..
7. You here also to perform for the Air Show huh? If not why your tail side got so much smoke huh?
8. Orchard Road now got Chinese New Year sales leh, you know?
9. Stay in Singapore for free access to the casino, I mean, Integrated Resort lah!
10. If you still don’t touch down now, I will throw two baskets of durians at you!
11. You have won a 3-days-2-nights stay at your favourite hotel! However, you have to first attend a one-hour presentation at Changi Airport………
12. We are dying to leave Singapore. Can we get a hitchhike from you guys, please?
Just what did the two RSAF pilots said to the two Australian pilots to convince them to touch down so effectively? CowShlt Inc speculates…………………..
1. Congratulations! You are the 10,000th visitor to Singapore in 2008! Please proceed to Changi Airport now to claim your prize.
2. Do you know that flying is extremely dangerous? And if you can just give us 5 minutes, i will like to hop over and introduce you this insurance policy which will give you best coverage.
3. You land at Changi Airport now, i take to you Changi Village for nasi lemak. I branja!
4. Go to Changi Airport for refueling now! Got 20% discount, you know? Some more can earn loyalty points!
5. There’s an ERP gantry in front! Got bring Cashcard or not?
6. We had arranged a few Sarong Party Girls waiting for you at Changi Airport now leh………..
7. You here also to perform for the Air Show huh? If not why your tail side got so much smoke huh?
8. Orchard Road now got Chinese New Year sales leh, you know?
9. Stay in Singapore for free access to the casino, I mean, Integrated Resort lah!
10. If you still don’t touch down now, I will throw two baskets of durians at you!
11. You have won a 3-days-2-nights stay at your favourite hotel! However, you have to first attend a one-hour presentation at Changi Airport………
12. We are dying to leave Singapore. Can we get a hitchhike from you guys, please?
CowShlt Inc Supports Singapore’s Bid for Youth Olympic Games
CowShlt Inc proudly declares our support for Singapore’s bid of the inaugural Youth Olympic Games hosting rights!
CowShlt Inc sincerely hopes that Singapore will win the hosting rights to the inaugural Youth Olympic Games over rival Moscow for the following reasons.
1. The chance of our office getting an en-bloc sale to make way for the games facilities gets higher.
2. We can rent out our office premise for people to watch the fireworks during the closing ceremony.
3. We have more chances to invest in Singapore Pools for the many competitions.
4. There is a good chance that ERPs will be turned off during the games.
5. For every gold medal won, we get one day holiday right?
6. Beautiful Cow and Magical Cow may find their rich angmoh husbands among the visitors.
7. There is nothing more interesting than watching the likes of Maria Sharapova in their adolescent years playing tennis in their skimpy outfits.
CowShlt Inc sincerely hopes that Singapore will win the hosting rights to the inaugural Youth Olympic Games over rival Moscow for the following reasons.
1. The chance of our office getting an en-bloc sale to make way for the games facilities gets higher.
2. We can rent out our office premise for people to watch the fireworks during the closing ceremony.
3. We have more chances to invest in Singapore Pools for the many competitions.
4. There is a good chance that ERPs will be turned off during the games.
5. For every gold medal won, we get one day holiday right?
6. Beautiful Cow and Magical Cow may find their rich angmoh husbands among the visitors.
7. There is nothing more interesting than watching the likes of Maria Sharapova in their adolescent years playing tennis in their skimpy outfits.
Monday, January 21, 2008
CowShlt Inc Education Department to Offer New Course in Separating Tone from Substance
Internal Memo
To: The Department for Further Education
The recent reply from Minister-of-State for Education RAdm Lui Tuck Yew on the importance to separate the 'tone' from the 'substance' of the message saw the sales of our competitor’s dictionaries soaring. To maintain our market leadership in the private education sector, CowShlt Inc will launch a professional diploma aimed at teaching professionals how to separate tone from content.
The course content shall highlight the following subjects:
1. Differentiating Tone from Substance – The DNA Approach
This course shall focus on looking at Tone and Substance from a scientific approach. We shall dissect Tone and Substance to their chromosomal levels and study the distinctive gene in their DNA that separates the two.
2. The Good, the Bad and the Ugly – Gaining the Psychological Advantage
This course shall focus on hiding your good or bad cards with the same ugly face. We shall deal every student with a hand of poker. Student will learn how to maintain an ugly face, no matter how good or bad the hand is. This is the key to gaining a psychological advantage over your opponent.
3. Practical Lesson – How to Announce Price Increment with a Smiling Face
Students must display their ability to announce increment in transport fare, GST, price for essential items and inflation rate with a smiling face. At no time must their tone be in-line with the substance they are announcing.
Kindly start the course planning immediately. I expect the first enrollment of students to commence by next week. Thank you!
Best regards,
Gu Sai
CEO, CowShlt Inc
To: The Department for Further Education
The recent reply from Minister-of-State for Education RAdm Lui Tuck Yew on the importance to separate the 'tone' from the 'substance' of the message saw the sales of our competitor’s dictionaries soaring. To maintain our market leadership in the private education sector, CowShlt Inc will launch a professional diploma aimed at teaching professionals how to separate tone from content.
The course content shall highlight the following subjects:
1. Differentiating Tone from Substance – The DNA Approach
This course shall focus on looking at Tone and Substance from a scientific approach. We shall dissect Tone and Substance to their chromosomal levels and study the distinctive gene in their DNA that separates the two.
2. The Good, the Bad and the Ugly – Gaining the Psychological Advantage
This course shall focus on hiding your good or bad cards with the same ugly face. We shall deal every student with a hand of poker. Student will learn how to maintain an ugly face, no matter how good or bad the hand is. This is the key to gaining a psychological advantage over your opponent.
3. Practical Lesson – How to Announce Price Increment with a Smiling Face
Students must display their ability to announce increment in transport fare, GST, price for essential items and inflation rate with a smiling face. At no time must their tone be in-line with the substance they are announcing.
Kindly start the course planning immediately. I expect the first enrollment of students to commence by next week. Thank you!
Best regards,
Gu Sai
CEO, CowShlt Inc
Friday, January 11, 2008
Cow Peh Explains Origin of 12 Chinese Zodiac
十二生肖传奇
In the very old days, there was no clock, no calendar. Years passed without a proper way of keeping track. It was then that 玉皇大帝 decided to use 12 animals to represent a year each. Being the fair King, all 12 animals were randomly generated from 玉皇大帝's PDA. He then sent a mass SMS to the representatives the 12 animals - Rat, Cow, Tiger, Rabbit, Dragon, Snake, Horse, Goat, Monkey, Rooster, Dog and Pig - enrolling them into the Amazing Race - Heaven Edition. Whoever reaches Pitstop first will get to lead the pack.
Within minutes after the SMS was sent, Monkey was seen strolling into Pitstop, demanding the right to the top rank. Sensing something amissed, 玉皇大帝 immediately screened through all CCTVs footage of that day and found Monkey being pre-empted on the race by 孙悟空. Monkey was thus sent to the penalty chamber and returned as an eventual 9th.
Among the 12 animals, Dragon was the hot favourite among punters to win given his ability to fly. However, he was greatly delayed by the over-zealous air custom officials who insisted on a thorough security check on the basis of anti-terrorism. Dragon only managed to snag a dismal 5th, collapsing the bank accounts of many bookies.
玉皇大帝's SMS was warmly received by the Tiger Brothers. Inspired by Terry Fox, the Tiger Brothers refused to let their disabilities handicap their determination. However, the Tiger Brothers, being 一只没有眼睛一只没有耳朵, only managed to claim 3rd spot.
Rabbit, having learnt his lesson the hard way from his race with Tortoise, did not sleep under a tree during the Race. He came in a respectable 4th.
Being the poor cousin of Dragon, Snake was doing his part-time job at the Garden of Eden when the SMS arrived. Unable to get time off until he fully planted the apple tree, Snake arrived in 6th position, ironically after Dragon again.
Horse and Goat were extremely close lunch buddies. They spent most time together discussing where's the grass in greener. Since only Horse has evolved into Pegasus, he had the inevitable task of ferrying Goat on his back for the entire Race. Horse and Goat clinched the 7th and 8th spots, with the higher ranked offered to Horse the Carrier.
Rooster was sleeping soundly after performing the morning shift. His handphone was on sient mode when the SMS arrived and thus failed to notice it. When he finally realised how cocked up he has been, he was already disadvantaged by several hours. He reached the Pitstop as 10th.
Dog and Pig were partying the entire night away with their 猪朋狗友 the night before the Race commenced. Both suffered from a great hangover, and to made matters worse, they were both booked for drink-driving. They occupied the 2 stellar positions, with Dog gaining a split-second win over Pig by sticking his long tongue out.
The fight for the top-post, however, was among Rat and Cow.
Cow, under the watchful eyes of 牛魔王 and sponsored by CowShlt Inc, had been keeping fit regularly. He had the responsibility of maintaining the stock market bullish run, no less. Cow was in fact ahead of Rat when approaching Pitstop. However, being too full of CowShlt, he had no alternative but to detour to the nearest toilet to discharge himself. When he arrived at Pistop, Rat was already there.
Rat, surprising, had an amazing easy race. He was, in fact, without a drop of sweat. The following interviewed was conducted immediately upon him being crowned Leader of the 12 Zodiac.
"Where on heaven am i at now?" screamed the Rat. "Pitstop? What Pitstop? How did i come here?? I was cooking 佛跳墙 just now.... Huh? No.... i left that French restaurant after their ratatouille was found contaminated with Salmonella Enteriditis bacteria. Oh yes! So i was serving Buddha his lunch just now whereby he suddenly decided to jump over the wall. I was caught by the tangle of his robes and the next thing i know, i was here! Why? Am i in some kind of rat race??"
In the very old days, there was no clock, no calendar. Years passed without a proper way of keeping track. It was then that 玉皇大帝 decided to use 12 animals to represent a year each. Being the fair King, all 12 animals were randomly generated from 玉皇大帝's PDA. He then sent a mass SMS to the representatives the 12 animals - Rat, Cow, Tiger, Rabbit, Dragon, Snake, Horse, Goat, Monkey, Rooster, Dog and Pig - enrolling them into the Amazing Race - Heaven Edition. Whoever reaches Pitstop first will get to lead the pack.
Within minutes after the SMS was sent, Monkey was seen strolling into Pitstop, demanding the right to the top rank. Sensing something amissed, 玉皇大帝 immediately screened through all CCTVs footage of that day and found Monkey being pre-empted on the race by 孙悟空. Monkey was thus sent to the penalty chamber and returned as an eventual 9th.
Among the 12 animals, Dragon was the hot favourite among punters to win given his ability to fly. However, he was greatly delayed by the over-zealous air custom officials who insisted on a thorough security check on the basis of anti-terrorism. Dragon only managed to snag a dismal 5th, collapsing the bank accounts of many bookies.
玉皇大帝's SMS was warmly received by the Tiger Brothers. Inspired by Terry Fox, the Tiger Brothers refused to let their disabilities handicap their determination. However, the Tiger Brothers, being 一只没有眼睛一只没有耳朵, only managed to claim 3rd spot.
Rabbit, having learnt his lesson the hard way from his race with Tortoise, did not sleep under a tree during the Race. He came in a respectable 4th.
Being the poor cousin of Dragon, Snake was doing his part-time job at the Garden of Eden when the SMS arrived. Unable to get time off until he fully planted the apple tree, Snake arrived in 6th position, ironically after Dragon again.
Horse and Goat were extremely close lunch buddies. They spent most time together discussing where's the grass in greener. Since only Horse has evolved into Pegasus, he had the inevitable task of ferrying Goat on his back for the entire Race. Horse and Goat clinched the 7th and 8th spots, with the higher ranked offered to Horse the Carrier.
Rooster was sleeping soundly after performing the morning shift. His handphone was on sient mode when the SMS arrived and thus failed to notice it. When he finally realised how cocked up he has been, he was already disadvantaged by several hours. He reached the Pitstop as 10th.
Dog and Pig were partying the entire night away with their 猪朋狗友 the night before the Race commenced. Both suffered from a great hangover, and to made matters worse, they were both booked for drink-driving. They occupied the 2 stellar positions, with Dog gaining a split-second win over Pig by sticking his long tongue out.
The fight for the top-post, however, was among Rat and Cow.
Cow, under the watchful eyes of 牛魔王 and sponsored by CowShlt Inc, had been keeping fit regularly. He had the responsibility of maintaining the stock market bullish run, no less. Cow was in fact ahead of Rat when approaching Pitstop. However, being too full of CowShlt, he had no alternative but to detour to the nearest toilet to discharge himself. When he arrived at Pistop, Rat was already there.
Rat, surprising, had an amazing easy race. He was, in fact, without a drop of sweat. The following interviewed was conducted immediately upon him being crowned Leader of the 12 Zodiac.
"Where on heaven am i at now?" screamed the Rat. "Pitstop? What Pitstop? How did i come here?? I was cooking 佛跳墙 just now.... Huh? No.... i left that French restaurant after their ratatouille was found contaminated with Salmonella Enteriditis bacteria. Oh yes! So i was serving Buddha his lunch just now whereby he suddenly decided to jump over the wall. I was caught by the tangle of his robes and the next thing i know, i was here! Why? Am i in some kind of rat race??"
Sunday, January 6, 2008
CowShlt Inc Newsletter Interviews Singapore Idols I & II
Since Mr Gu Sai, CEO of CowShlt Inc, has run out of announcement to make, Cow Peh has no choice but to go light-hearted on this issue. Fortunately, by pulling some strings, Cow Peh managed to gain an exclusive interview with the first-ever Singapore Idol Taufik Batisah and the newly crowned Asian Idol Hady Mirza.
EXCLUSIVE!
Cow Peh - CP
Taufik Batisah - TB
Hady Mirza - HM
CP: First of all, congratulations to Hady for being crowned the first-ever Asian Idol.
HM: Thank you! Thank you so much! Now, i can really say that i am indeed the best in Singapore, JB and even Batam!
TB: Eh! You forgot to thank your lao-peh, lao-bu, ah-gong and ah-mah again lah.......
(Both broke into cold laughters as a black crow flew past)
CP: What do both of you think constituted to Hady's win?
HM: Simple lah.... Because i'm simply the best in Singapore, JB and Batam mah!
TB: I think Hady won the Asian Idol simply because he sang MY song during the competition. Ever heard of blind-voting? That's exactly what took place here. The voters are blind and they all thought they were voting for ME!
(Hady gave a cold stare at Taufik)
CP: There has been speculations that you actually won because of the dual voting scheme. Voters thought that you are the worst singer and thus safest to cast the 2nd vote. What's your view on this, Hady?
TB: (interrupts Hady) So THAT'S why you purposely sang off key and made my song so horrible!!! You @#$%^&*!!!!!
(Taufik and Hady got into a scuffle)
CP: Boys! Boys!!! Both of you are IDOLS! You are supposed to be role models to the many young readers of CowShlt Inc newsletter!
(Taufik and Hady broke up the fight, but both were still seething)
CP: Taufik, it is understood that you are still sore about the abrupt end of World Idol competition straight after your win at Singapore Idol.
HM: Yah loh, yah loh!! The organizers heard him sang and quickly called off the competition to protect their hearings mah!
(Taufik pulled the chair off under Hady's seat and Hady thumped to the ground. Both broke into a catfight again)
CP: Boys! Cool it! Boys!!
(Cow Peh got in between the scuffle and separated the two by force)
CP: Cool down, boys. Let me finish this interview first. I'm meeting a deadline ok? Otherwise the Cowlings at CowShlt Inc are going to kao peh kao bu at me again.....
(All three regained their seats)
CP: OK..... I will need one more question to fill up the void in our newsletter. Not so much advertisement being featured nowadays, i wonder why also. Maybe AC Nielson found out that actually nobody reads CowShlt Inc newsletterat all. But alas, i digressed. My final question to both of you is, what does 2008 holds for you? Let's start with Taufik first.
TB: I am all ready to break into the Chinese-speaking market. I bet you all had heard me singing "每时每刻有音乐，933醉心频道" on 933FM right? That's the direction i'm heading at this year! In fact, i'm already working with my buddy 神香聋 on our new duet tentatively titled 烂兄烂弟 in celebration of our brotherly love!
CP: Well, it's actually 沈祥龙 and 难兄难弟. Please send my regards to Sylvester, and tell him Maia is going great as my Star Blogger intern. Now, what about Hady? What does 2008 holds for you?
HM: I just hope that if Singapore Idol gets revived again this year, the winner is not another Malay. The market is too small for another competitor. The Chinese guy, the what Daren Tan from Project Superstar 2, is already crossing over to perform in Beauty World the musical! So what can i do? No choice loh! Just have to pick up Tamil and hope to get a role in the upcoming Mustafa Centre the musical loh............
EXCLUSIVE!
Cow Peh - CP
Taufik Batisah - TB
Hady Mirza - HM
CP: First of all, congratulations to Hady for being crowned the first-ever Asian Idol.
HM: Thank you! Thank you so much! Now, i can really say that i am indeed the best in Singapore, JB and even Batam!
TB: Eh! You forgot to thank your lao-peh, lao-bu, ah-gong and ah-mah again lah.......
(Both broke into cold laughters as a black crow flew past)
CP: What do both of you think constituted to Hady's win?
HM: Simple lah.... Because i'm simply the best in Singapore, JB and Batam mah!
TB: I think Hady won the Asian Idol simply because he sang MY song during the competition. Ever heard of blind-voting? That's exactly what took place here. The voters are blind and they all thought they were voting for ME!
(Hady gave a cold stare at Taufik)
CP: There has been speculations that you actually won because of the dual voting scheme. Voters thought that you are the worst singer and thus safest to cast the 2nd vote. What's your view on this, Hady?
TB: (interrupts Hady) So THAT'S why you purposely sang off key and made my song so horrible!!! You @#$%^&*!!!!!
(Taufik and Hady got into a scuffle)
CP: Boys! Boys!!! Both of you are IDOLS! You are supposed to be role models to the many young readers of CowShlt Inc newsletter!
(Taufik and Hady broke up the fight, but both were still seething)
CP: Taufik, it is understood that you are still sore about the abrupt end of World Idol competition straight after your win at Singapore Idol.
HM: Yah loh, yah loh!! The organizers heard him sang and quickly called off the competition to protect their hearings mah!
(Taufik pulled the chair off under Hady's seat and Hady thumped to the ground. Both broke into a catfight again)
CP: Boys! Cool it! Boys!!
(Cow Peh got in between the scuffle and separated the two by force)
CP: Cool down, boys. Let me finish this interview first. I'm meeting a deadline ok? Otherwise the Cowlings at CowShlt Inc are going to kao peh kao bu at me again.....
(All three regained their seats)
CP: OK..... I will need one more question to fill up the void in our newsletter. Not so much advertisement being featured nowadays, i wonder why also. Maybe AC Nielson found out that actually nobody reads CowShlt Inc newsletterat all. But alas, i digressed. My final question to both of you is, what does 2008 holds for you? Let's start with Taufik first.
TB: I am all ready to break into the Chinese-speaking market. I bet you all had heard me singing "每时每刻有音乐，933醉心频道" on 933FM right? That's the direction i'm heading at this year! In fact, i'm already working with my buddy 神香聋 on our new duet tentatively titled 烂兄烂弟 in celebration of our brotherly love!
CP: Well, it's actually 沈祥龙 and 难兄难弟. Please send my regards to Sylvester, and tell him Maia is going great as my Star Blogger intern. Now, what about Hady? What does 2008 holds for you?
HM: I just hope that if Singapore Idol gets revived again this year, the winner is not another Malay. The market is too small for another competitor. The Chinese guy, the what Daren Tan from Project Superstar 2, is already crossing over to perform in Beauty World the musical! So what can i do? No choice loh! Just have to pick up Tamil and hope to get a role in the upcoming Mustafa Centre the musical loh............
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
