Internal Memo - Human Resource Arrangement
Dear Staffs,
The year 2007 has been a great run for CowShlt Inc and 2008 definitely looks even more promising. A total of 8 projects are already in the pipeline and the HR department will be talking to each of you soon in realignment of human resources according to project needs. I shall briefly highlight the 8 projects here so that if you possess a particular interest into any of it, do express yourself early.
And the 8 projects are (in no order of merits or importance):
1. To Revitalise Singapore Economy
As much of my bank accounts are in US dollars, the weakening of the currency has seen my pockets shrunk considerably. I have, therefore, decided to shift our investment focus back to Singapore dollars. Thus, a booming economy is needed. We will therefore have to convert the Singapore Flyer from a ferris wheel to a watermill instead. This watermill will be shifted 8 degrees South, overlooking Singapore business district. This watermill will then provide the much needed wind and water for that area.
2. Building of NewPower Plant
With the price increase in electricity tariff, CowShlt Inc will build our own power generator plant instead. The NewPower plant will convert human wastes of all CowShlt Inc staffs into energy. As i personally observed, much of our shlt contains a high level of oil. All staffs are therefore mandated to consume only deep fried food and produce at least 2kg of waste per day.
3. To Break into the Local Movie Industry
Acclaimed home-grown director Royston Tan has agreed to produce the sequel to the highly successful movie 881 in collaboration with CowShlt Inc. This movie, titled 1711, will see Qi Yuwu reprise his role as Guanyin. Since the departure of Small Papaya, Guanyin developed an obsession with time. And every 5 minutes, he will pick up the phone and dial 1711. He soon developed an explicit relationship with the automated time reporter. Since Guanyin had sold his cock in 881, he will adopt a pet cow in 1711 instead. Enxiii "Techno Cow" will make her movie debut as the voice behind the automated time reporter.
4. To Mass Market the Cure for Gay Tendency
CowShlt Inc, together with Nominated Member of Parliament Thio Li-ann, have successfully developed the cure for gay tendency. The cure, in liquid solution, is to be ingested via two straws shafted into the nose.
5. Building of Singapore Disneyland
The Singapore government has finally convinced Walt Disney to build a Disneyland on our shores and CowShlt Inc has been tasked to oversee the development. To ensure Mickey Mouse and his gang have the same ample space to roam about as in Los Angeles and Japan, Singapore Disneyland will thereby be the first ever multi-storey Disneyland!
6. To Help Win Olympic Gold Medal in Beijing 2008
The Singapore Sports Council views Beijing 2008 as the "first Olympic Games held on homeground". CowShlt Inc has been tasked to expediate the talent spotting process and convert as many Beijing-born athletes to Singapore citizen as possible.
7. To Help Singapore Government Connect with the Youths
The post-65 MPs have dance the hiphop. The MDA officials have sang the rap. Now the Singapore government will connect with the youth in the most widespread manner ever adopted - Facebook. CowShlt Inc will assist all Members of Parliament in sending email invitation to their respective constituents aged 30 and below. The invitation notice will be customised to have only "Accept as Friend" button. Failure to accept their MPs as Friends within 30 days will result in an auto generated house arrest.
8. To Develop Singapore as the Region's Protest Hub
It is of great embarassment to the Singapore leaders to be overtaken by Malaysia in staging protest not once, but thrice. The Singapore government has thus announced an emergency ruling to legalise protest aims to be the leading "Protest Hub" in this region. CowShlt Inc has been roped in to help distribute goodies bags to all protesters. Expect to see our newly crowned Asian Idol - Hady Mirza in action on the inaugural protest. CowShlt Inc will sponsor the top prize for the lucky draw.
The year 2008 promise to be full of excitments with these upcoming projects. I'd like to express my greatest gratitude to all staffs of CowShlt Inc for making 2007 a successful year. And i certainly look foward to another year of unwavering support in 2008!
I sincerely wish all staffs a very Happy New Year.
Best regards,
Gu Sai
CEO, CowShlt Inc
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
All I Want for Christmas is......
Christmas is just round the corner. You can in fact sees its shadow behind the wall, holding its baseball bat, ready to pounce on anyone who comes next. Christmas is all about giving and sharing. Gone are the cheesy wishes for "world peace". And thus, Cow Peh decided to share with all Cowlings, his wishlist for Christmas 2008.....
Cow Peh's Top 5 Wishlist for Christmas 2008
1. Bell
Which domesticated Cow want to be spotted without ding-dong Bell? Sometimes Cow Peh can get lost in life too. And the chime of crystal clear Bell certainly does best in waking up his sleepy soul.
2. Cammyra (Editor's Note: Are you sure it is not spelt as camera?)
Time stops for no one. Youth passes and beauty fades. The only way to capture and preserve Cow Peh's failing memory is in the form of picture, motion or still. What else is better in keeping Cow Peh's fondest moments than Cammyra?
3. Casper
Christmas is never complete without the story of the ghost and the holy Cow. Cow Peh is a restless Cow who sometimes fly too high for a safe landing. And who does a better job than Casper the friendly ghost in bringing Cow Peh down to earth, and sometimes even under the earth?
4. Charmed (Editor's Note: The noun should be charm, not charmed lah!)
Readership of CowShlt Newsletter had dwindled considerably. To save his grace, Cow Peh desperately need Charmed to pull in more readers. Charmed that mesmerized Cow Peh so much upon setting his first sight. If Charmed can work so effectively on the mighty Cow Peh, there is no escape for other mortal Cows.
5. Enxiiison Sales (Editor Note: Now, i'm pretty sure it's spelt as End Season...)
Being lavished with so many gifts from his fans, Cow Peh must also reciprocate by giving. But having his leather pocket tight as usual, Enxiiison Sales is a god-send. Somehow, Cow Peh has already developed a strong dependancy on Enxiiison Sales. Whenever he gets into a tight corner, he knows he can always count on Enxiiison Sales to bail him out.
PLUS!!
Like any good album, there's always a bonus track. Cow Peh wishlist also has a plus item too!
6. Yacuzzy (Editor's Note: Get a dictionary, Cow Peh, it's jacuzzi....)
Ever so attractive, ever so enchanting. What can beat the stress away better than indulging in the warmth of Yacuzzy? The bubbly nature of Yacuzzy will relax every inch of Cow Peh's tensed muscle. Even a short encounter with Yacuzzy is enough for Cow Peh to develop an addiction. For times without Yacuzzy, get ready for withdrawal symptoms!
Cow Peh's Top 5 Wishlist for Christmas 2008
1. Bell
Which domesticated Cow want to be spotted without ding-dong Bell? Sometimes Cow Peh can get lost in life too. And the chime of crystal clear Bell certainly does best in waking up his sleepy soul.
2. Cammyra (Editor's Note: Are you sure it is not spelt as camera?)
Time stops for no one. Youth passes and beauty fades. The only way to capture and preserve Cow Peh's failing memory is in the form of picture, motion or still. What else is better in keeping Cow Peh's fondest moments than Cammyra?
3. Casper
Christmas is never complete without the story of the ghost and the holy Cow. Cow Peh is a restless Cow who sometimes fly too high for a safe landing. And who does a better job than Casper the friendly ghost in bringing Cow Peh down to earth, and sometimes even under the earth?
4. Charmed (Editor's Note: The noun should be charm, not charmed lah!)
Readership of CowShlt Newsletter had dwindled considerably. To save his grace, Cow Peh desperately need Charmed to pull in more readers. Charmed that mesmerized Cow Peh so much upon setting his first sight. If Charmed can work so effectively on the mighty Cow Peh, there is no escape for other mortal Cows.
5. Enxiiison Sales (Editor Note: Now, i'm pretty sure it's spelt as End Season...)
Being lavished with so many gifts from his fans, Cow Peh must also reciprocate by giving. But having his leather pocket tight as usual, Enxiiison Sales is a god-send. Somehow, Cow Peh has already developed a strong dependancy on Enxiiison Sales. Whenever he gets into a tight corner, he knows he can always count on Enxiiison Sales to bail him out.
PLUS!!
Like any good album, there's always a bonus track. Cow Peh wishlist also has a plus item too!
6. Yacuzzy (Editor's Note: Get a dictionary, Cow Peh, it's jacuzzi....)
Ever so attractive, ever so enchanting. What can beat the stress away better than indulging in the warmth of Yacuzzy? The bubbly nature of Yacuzzy will relax every inch of Cow Peh's tensed muscle. Even a short encounter with Yacuzzy is enough for Cow Peh to develop an addiction. For times without Yacuzzy, get ready for withdrawal symptoms!
Friday, December 14, 2007
Prima Deli Food Poisoning Case.....
Psst..... Cow Peh finally figured out why Prima Deli's chocolate cake contains .......Salmonella Enteriditis.
Read this carefully....................
Read this carefully....................
Saturday, December 1, 2007
Community Service - Resignation Letter Sample
Cow Peh received a personal request from his friend who works in a competitor company. He wanted to quit but have absolutely no idea on how to write a resignation letter. So, in the goodwill of community spirit, Cow Peh took the effort to draft the letter for him.......
To: Mr Fei Hua, General Manager
BullShlt Ltd
6969 Jalan Jalan-jalan
Singapore 142434
From: Zor Sai Kang, Manager
Manure Recycling Department
Staff Number 54438
Dear Mr Fei,
LETTER OF RESIGNATION
I, Zor Sai Kang, hereby tender my resignation from the position of Manure Recycling Department Manager. As per required by my terms of engagement, I hereby give 3 months of notification and thus my official last day of service will be 30 Feb 2008.
I would like to take this opportunity to thank BullShlt Ltd and you personally for the continuous grooming in bettering me, in both professional and personal context. I am especially appreciative of the many shlt you thrown at my face daily, without fail, throughout the years. This directly resulted in the radiant glow sporting from my face now. I believe this is the strongest testament of the high quality shlt that BullShlt Ltd churn out constantly.
I am also thankful to BullShlt Ltd for training me to sleep at 2am and wake up at 6am the following morning. The ringing from the teleconference is the most beautiful alarm clock sound that my family ever heard. Experts stated that 1/3 of our lives were spent sleeping. With your training, i had effectively gained 4 hours of extra life daily. Though there are people who suggested that i look 10 years older than my actual age, they had forgotten the fact that i am also 10 years nearer to my retirement.
Finally, i will like to thank you for personally training me in the wide aspect of understanding politics. Your "101 Ways to Cover Your Backside", "Teach Yourself to Backstab in 21 Days" and "Suppressing Alternative Views" seminars increased my social skillset like never before. The workshops on "Tripoding" and "Currying Favours" taught me how to attain a good inner balancing while spicing up my life.
It is therefore, with my deepest regret to part way with this magnificant company. Should all factors permit, it will be my greatest pleasure to offer my services to BullShlt Ltd again. I say this from my bottom, i mean, bottom of my heart.
I wish BullShlt Ltd and all her staffs the very best in their future endeavours.
Sincerely,
Zor Sai Kang
Manager, Manure Recycling Department
To: Mr Fei Hua, General Manager
BullShlt Ltd
6969 Jalan Jalan-jalan
Singapore 142434
From: Zor Sai Kang, Manager
Manure Recycling Department
Staff Number 54438
Dear Mr Fei,
LETTER OF RESIGNATION
I, Zor Sai Kang, hereby tender my resignation from the position of Manure Recycling Department Manager. As per required by my terms of engagement, I hereby give 3 months of notification and thus my official last day of service will be 30 Feb 2008.
I would like to take this opportunity to thank BullShlt Ltd and you personally for the continuous grooming in bettering me, in both professional and personal context. I am especially appreciative of the many shlt you thrown at my face daily, without fail, throughout the years. This directly resulted in the radiant glow sporting from my face now. I believe this is the strongest testament of the high quality shlt that BullShlt Ltd churn out constantly.
I am also thankful to BullShlt Ltd for training me to sleep at 2am and wake up at 6am the following morning. The ringing from the teleconference is the most beautiful alarm clock sound that my family ever heard. Experts stated that 1/3 of our lives were spent sleeping. With your training, i had effectively gained 4 hours of extra life daily. Though there are people who suggested that i look 10 years older than my actual age, they had forgotten the fact that i am also 10 years nearer to my retirement.
Finally, i will like to thank you for personally training me in the wide aspect of understanding politics. Your "101 Ways to Cover Your Backside", "Teach Yourself to Backstab in 21 Days" and "Suppressing Alternative Views" seminars increased my social skillset like never before. The workshops on "Tripoding" and "Currying Favours" taught me how to attain a good inner balancing while spicing up my life.
It is therefore, with my deepest regret to part way with this magnificant company. Should all factors permit, it will be my greatest pleasure to offer my services to BullShlt Ltd again. I say this from my bottom, i mean, bottom of my heart.
I wish BullShlt Ltd and all her staffs the very best in their future endeavours.
Sincerely,
Zor Sai Kang
Manager, Manure Recycling Department
Friday, November 23, 2007
CowShlt Inc and Bullshlt Ltd Bring Dispute Over Horsburgh Lightpost to Court
Unable to settle for the sovereignty over Horsburgh Lightpost which resides between the two companies, CowShlt Inc and Bullshlt Ltd brought the case for mediation to the country's highest court - the tennis court situated at the rooftop of UOB Building.Both companies have agreed to abide to the final ruling and outcome from this court, to be judged by Chief Justice Liak Boh Kiew.
"The Horsburgh Lightpost was nobody's property when we first pasted our company's advertisement pamplet on it," claimed Mr Gu Sai, CEO of CowShlt Inc, as he served a powerful shot over to Mr Fei Hua, General Manager of Bullshlt Ltd.
"You don't talk cock lah!" exclaimed Mr Fei as he swings his racquette. "My lao peh told me long ago that Horsburgh Lightpost is actually ours. Just that we see you happily maintaining the lightpost, we keep quiet and let you carry on loh! Free one anyway mah!" The ball had landed back into Mr Gu's court again.
"Our security uncle has been patroling Horsburgh Lightpost every night for as long as i can remember. But now you suddenly draw a new floor plan and claim Horsburgh Lightpost as your property. How can suka-suka take away people's thing one?" rebuffed Mr Gu as he delivered a 180km/h forehand smash.
"You still dare to talk about your security uncle! Everytime he walks over to Horsburgh Lightpost, he will stand at the side and then whisper 'excuse, excuse' and then take a pee. Just look at the abundance of grass growing around Horsburgh Lightpost!" Mr Fei grunted as he flicked the ball over the net with a backhand.
"Can somebody at least score a point?" lamented CJ Liak.
The court hearing was brought to an abrupt halt when the ball suddenly crashed into CJ Liak's two front teeth while he was yawning, effectively delivering a total knockout on Mr CJ Liak. Both Mr Gu and Mr Fei have disclaimed their involvement in that smash.
The court is adjourned to a further date.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
CowShlt Inc Launches Brand New Financial Line
CowShlt Inc sets up new financial arm, launches new investment line for the financial savvy.Riding on the hot trend in the investment market, CowShlt Inc jumped into the bandwagon and sets up its exclusive financial arm - CashCow Empire, and launches its very own investment line.
"Today marks the official launch of our highly lucrative investment line - Special Consumer Advanced Money (S.C.A.M)," declares Mr Boh Lui Liao, general manager of CashCow Empire. "S.C.A.M gives you the opportunity to increase your profit without ends!"
"S.C.A.M is a top-of-the-range, state-of-the-art line of investment scheme," explains Ms Tek Ann Run, a pioneer trader of S.C.A.M appointed by CowShlt Inc. "All you need to do is use $12000 to purchase a distributor rights from CashCow Empire. With the rights, you are able to sell our exclusive range of CashCow products over your virtual shop."
When questioned on the products being sold, Ms Tek replied, "It's a very exclusive range of fabric. The quality is so good that they are only used to manufacture the Emperor's New Clothes."
The CEO of CowShlt Inc, Mr Gu Sai, likens himself to Mr Warren Buffet, 2nd richest man in the world.
"My investors all call me Singapore's Warren Buffet," said Mr Gu. "I am, in fact, better than Mr Buffet. I mean, who in this world still needs a warrant to eat buffet? Just look at me. Look at the queue outside. I have plenty of people serving themselves to me on a platter!"
Although S.C.A.M is making the talk of the town, not all investors are convinced. Singapore's top-selling insurance agent, Mr Wu Ngya Bor, made this comment on the condition of not staying in anonymity.
"I believe S.C.A.M is nothing but just an empty shell. The purpose is just to get as many people to invest as possible. When a person invests, he will have to recruit new sub-investors in order to earn any profit. And in turn, the sub-investors will have to recruit more sub-sub-investors in order to distribute the deposit as profit to a bigger pie now. The show will end when the sub-sub-sub-investors have finally run out of people to recruit as sub-sub-sub-sub-investors."
The financial consumer watchdog, Global Resistance to Extraordinary Enrichment Delusion (G.R.E.E.D), is also monitoring CashCow Empire.
"CashCow Empire claims that S.C.A.M makes money fall from the sky, that it is an idiot-proof financial line whereby everybody earns," G.R.E.E.D spokeperson proclaims. "However, i think it is obvious what CashCow Empire really meant is S.C.A.M is a real proof that those investors are indeed idiots!"
Friday, November 9, 2007
CowShlt Inc Won Over Title of Slowest Taxi in the World!
Breaking News!
Barely few weeks after Mr Lau Ah Pek had been conferred the much sought after title of owning the World's Slowest Taxi, CowShlt Inc has successfully wrestled away this honour with its own fleet of taxis - the 老牛拉车 fleet.
"CowShlt Inc is really efficient," lamented Mr Lau Ah Pek. "I was still thinking that i could have at least held on to the title for a while longer. It wasn't an easy feat for me to achieve you know? For my entire life, that was the only time when i was Number 1. But now, after just weeks......" Mr Lau Ah Pek chokes in tears and is too distraught to carry on speaking.
The World's Slowest Taxi Award was founded by 3 young men from the Great Britain. This award aims to recognise and reward deserving taxi drivers from all over the world who put safety and service above speed.
"The taxi industry has evolved greatly over the past few decades," explains Mr Chow Angmoh, co-founder of the World's Slowest Taxi Award. "Taxis nowadays are mostly equipped with wings and powerjets that allow them to zigzag through even the most congested road. I mean, what happened to the old belief of 'take a step back and enjoy the scenery'? We have always enjoyed being taken for a ride, even for a few more dollars! Thus we want to revolutionise the taxi industry completely. This award will bring the taxis back to the good old days, the days when Great Britain still colonise the world. We still do, don't we?"
When pressed for the rewards that accompanied being awarded as the World's Slowest Taxi, Mr Chow replied, "Free publicity. We will upload their services to YouTube and let the entire world knows!"
General Manager of the 老牛拉车 fleet, Mr Lau Gu (not related to Mr Lau Ah Pek), said this in his press statement. "We are truly honoured to add yet another trophy to CowShlt Inc. Being Singaporeans, we have long been drilled to target for Number 1 in everything we do. We are just happy to do Singapore and CowShlt Inc proud."
In another related nes, due to the ever rising cost of crude oil, CowShlt Inc will be launching a fuel-saver fleet of new taxis.
Barely few weeks after Mr Lau Ah Pek had been conferred the much sought after title of owning the World's Slowest Taxi, CowShlt Inc has successfully wrestled away this honour with its own fleet of taxis - the 老牛拉车 fleet."CowShlt Inc is really efficient," lamented Mr Lau Ah Pek. "I was still thinking that i could have at least held on to the title for a while longer. It wasn't an easy feat for me to achieve you know? For my entire life, that was the only time when i was Number 1. But now, after just weeks......" Mr Lau Ah Pek chokes in tears and is too distraught to carry on speaking.
The World's Slowest Taxi Award was founded by 3 young men from the Great Britain. This award aims to recognise and reward deserving taxi drivers from all over the world who put safety and service above speed.
"The taxi industry has evolved greatly over the past few decades," explains Mr Chow Angmoh, co-founder of the World's Slowest Taxi Award. "Taxis nowadays are mostly equipped with wings and powerjets that allow them to zigzag through even the most congested road. I mean, what happened to the old belief of 'take a step back and enjoy the scenery'? We have always enjoyed being taken for a ride, even for a few more dollars! Thus we want to revolutionise the taxi industry completely. This award will bring the taxis back to the good old days, the days when Great Britain still colonise the world. We still do, don't we?"
When pressed for the rewards that accompanied being awarded as the World's Slowest Taxi, Mr Chow replied, "Free publicity. We will upload their services to YouTube and let the entire world knows!"
General Manager of the 老牛拉车 fleet, Mr Lau Gu (not related to Mr Lau Ah Pek), said this in his press statement. "We are truly honoured to add yet another trophy to CowShlt Inc. Being Singaporeans, we have long been drilled to target for Number 1 in everything we do. We are just happy to do Singapore and CowShlt Inc proud."
In another related nes, due to the ever rising cost of crude oil, CowShlt Inc will be launching a fuel-saver fleet of new taxis.
Monday, November 5, 2007
Thousands of Devotees Streaming to Offer Prayers to Cow God Tree
News Flash!
A recent accident along Jalan Gu-yu has left a tree trunk partially chipped off. Residents at this area were surprised to see fresh bark taking the form of a Cow. And after a devotee finally got pregnant after some prayers, thousands childless couple from all over Singapore started flocking to this once sleepy town, offer prayers to this mystical Cow God Tree.
“It was a clear night,” recalls Mr Kan Da Shu, volunteer-caretaker of Cow God Tree, “when I saw a young cow pacing around this tree looking for his Cow Peh and Cow Bu. But with a gush of wind and smoke, the Cow Kia suddenly vanished! The very next day, this holy image appears.”
“We had tried countless times working for a baby,” said Ms Milk (not her real name). “Never did we ever succeed. It was as if that my husband was only capable of planting a seed, but having no fertilizer in my womb for the seed to grow. Mr Kan offered me some black sticky substance after my prayers and instructed me to apply on my tummy. Truth to be told, I was found pregnant 2 weeks later!”
Residents from Jurong West, home to the Monkey God Tree, are naturally furious.
“Why the Jalan Gu-yu people everything also want to copy us one?” questioned Mr Lao Gao, volunteer-caretaker of Monkey God Tree. “We are blessed with the arrival of 孙悟空 and now they also claim to host 牛魔王! What’s next? Some cock neighbourhood declaring the appearance of some 鸡精?!”
The police is presently working with the Resident Committee of Jalan Gu-yu to resolve the heavy traffic congestion.
“My husband used to be backed before sunset,” laments a resident. “Nowadays, waiting for my husband is really like waiting for the Cow to come home leh!”
A recent accident along Jalan Gu-yu has left a tree trunk partially chipped off. Residents at this area were surprised to see fresh bark taking the form of a Cow. And after a devotee finally got pregnant after some prayers, thousands childless couple from all over Singapore started flocking to this once sleepy town, offer prayers to this mystical Cow God Tree.“It was a clear night,” recalls Mr Kan Da Shu, volunteer-caretaker of Cow God Tree, “when I saw a young cow pacing around this tree looking for his Cow Peh and Cow Bu. But with a gush of wind and smoke, the Cow Kia suddenly vanished! The very next day, this holy image appears.”
“We had tried countless times working for a baby,” said Ms Milk (not her real name). “Never did we ever succeed. It was as if that my husband was only capable of planting a seed, but having no fertilizer in my womb for the seed to grow. Mr Kan offered me some black sticky substance after my prayers and instructed me to apply on my tummy. Truth to be told, I was found pregnant 2 weeks later!”
Residents from Jurong West, home to the Monkey God Tree, are naturally furious.
“Why the Jalan Gu-yu people everything also want to copy us one?” questioned Mr Lao Gao, volunteer-caretaker of Monkey God Tree. “We are blessed with the arrival of 孙悟空 and now they also claim to host 牛魔王! What’s next? Some cock neighbourhood declaring the appearance of some 鸡精?!”
The police is presently working with the Resident Committee of Jalan Gu-yu to resolve the heavy traffic congestion.
“My husband used to be backed before sunset,” laments a resident. “Nowadays, waiting for my husband is really like waiting for the Cow to come home leh!”
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Open Invitation to Casper's Birthday Bash!
Casper, executive consultant to CowShlt Inc Netherworld Department, is celebrating her birthday TODAY, 1 Nov 2007! Yes, today! And it is of no coincidence that she was born just 1 day after Halloween. As a display of gratitude towards her constant contributions, CowShlt Inc sincerely invites all Cowlings to celebrate Casper's birthday with the largest party of all time!
Event Information
Date: 1 Nov 2007
Time: 11.59pm
Venue: 死人头坟场
Dress Code: Same as Casper (transparent lah!)
Come celebrate Casper's birthday on the lush, 6-stars 死人头坟场. Indulge yourself in our glorious food galore, proudly sponsored by Halloween Leftover Catering Services. The menu includes delicacies like Pumpkin Salad, Tempura Pumpkin, Skewed Pumpkins, Sweet and Sour Pumpkin, Pumpkin Fried Rice, Pumpkin Soup, and Pumpkin Ice Cream.
And of course, which party can do without games and contest? Lots of prizes await you!
Games and Contest Information
Longest Hair Contest against Pontianak
Pit your hair length against Pontianak. Stand to win a pair of scissors if your hair length exceeds hers.
High Jumping Contest against 僵尸先生
Test your bouncing skill against those of 僵尸先生. His last record was 5m, can you break it finally? Winner walks, i mean hops, away with a pair of boing boing shoes.
Drinking Contest against Count Dracula
Who can finish the most Bloody Marys within one minute? Count Dracula can down 8 in one glurp. Can you swallow that? Stand to win a lifetime supply of drinking straws.
Crawling Out of TV Contest against Sadako
A sheer test of strength and determination! Person who can crawl out from a TV faster than Sadako wins a free ringtone download.
So, Cowlings, hurry and prepare yourselves! Accomodation will be provided tonight! Choose to sleep in our super deluxe single coffin, deluxe twin-sharing coffin, or ultimate quad-sharing coffin. Out resident caretaker, Freddy Krueger, will ensure you get the sweetest dream of your life........
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Cow Peh Reviews Movies for Halloween
Halloween is here again, Cowlings. While some Cows will be busily partying away with their ghostly party animals, some losers, I mean, lonesome Cows, will actually prefer to stay at home.
Not forgetting these lonesome Cows, Cow Peh thereby digs into his library of pirated DVDs, and recommends some of the best horror movies to view during Halloween.
1. The Devil Wears Prada
Storyline:
What can be more horrifying than the Devil himself? The Devil who armours himself with Prada. When the Devil who wears Prada strike, there no chance you can survive. No one has ever successfully struggle himself away from him. In the Devil’s very own words, “Eh eh eh….. You don’t anyhow struggle here struggle there hor. Look carefully here….. Prada OK? Later you accidentally torn my shirt huh, you cannot pay OK?!!”
Horror Ratings: 4 Pumpkins
2. 兄弟
Storyline:
Heavenly Tiger, which has attained sainthood, successfully resurrected 3 fellow tigers from the dead, and thus becoming 兄弟 instead of 好兄弟. There was another tiger, Betrayal Tiger, which chose a much different path and has since left the pack. Rumour has it that he actually stripped his tiger skin and is bent on haunting these 4 tigers, using his multiple award trophies as weapons.
Horror Ratings: 2 Pumpkins
3. 881
Storyline:
An avid gambler went to pray for 4D numbers during the Hungry Ghost Month. 3 digits, 881, rolled out in sequence. Tried as he might, the 4th digit simply refuse to separate from the mass of 10 paper balls. The avid gambler invested heavily on all combinations starting with 881, only to lose everything. He later found out that the hungry ghosts actually wanted papaya instead.
Horror Ratings: 2 Pumpkins
4. Lust, Caution
Storyline:
A couple engaged in some serious foreplay. Just before reaching the climax, they realised they had observed by their kids for a whole 7 minutes. All the passion potion backflowed into the generator, causing a massive explosion. This horror movie aims to warn all parents that when you are overcome with Lust, at least take Caution to lock your door.
Horror Ratings: 3 Pumpkins
5. Your Wedding Day Footage
Storyline:
Your day started earlier than the rooster. You got jostled from places to places. You perform funny acts and drink silly concoction just to get through the door. You empty your 10 years of savings to throw a banquet, only to realise that you don't know 75% of those who turned up. Your stupidity is taped down so that you can re-live your mistake over and over again.
Horror Ratings: 5 Pumpkins
Not forgetting these lonesome Cows, Cow Peh thereby digs into his library of pirated DVDs, and recommends some of the best horror movies to view during Halloween.
1. The Devil Wears Prada
Storyline:
What can be more horrifying than the Devil himself? The Devil who armours himself with Prada. When the Devil who wears Prada strike, there no chance you can survive. No one has ever successfully struggle himself away from him. In the Devil’s very own words, “Eh eh eh….. You don’t anyhow struggle here struggle there hor. Look carefully here….. Prada OK? Later you accidentally torn my shirt huh, you cannot pay OK?!!”
Horror Ratings: 4 Pumpkins
2. 兄弟
Storyline:
Heavenly Tiger, which has attained sainthood, successfully resurrected 3 fellow tigers from the dead, and thus becoming 兄弟 instead of 好兄弟. There was another tiger, Betrayal Tiger, which chose a much different path and has since left the pack. Rumour has it that he actually stripped his tiger skin and is bent on haunting these 4 tigers, using his multiple award trophies as weapons.
Horror Ratings: 2 Pumpkins
3. 881
Storyline:
An avid gambler went to pray for 4D numbers during the Hungry Ghost Month. 3 digits, 881, rolled out in sequence. Tried as he might, the 4th digit simply refuse to separate from the mass of 10 paper balls. The avid gambler invested heavily on all combinations starting with 881, only to lose everything. He later found out that the hungry ghosts actually wanted papaya instead.
Horror Ratings: 2 Pumpkins
4. Lust, Caution
Storyline:
A couple engaged in some serious foreplay. Just before reaching the climax, they realised they had observed by their kids for a whole 7 minutes. All the passion potion backflowed into the generator, causing a massive explosion. This horror movie aims to warn all parents that when you are overcome with Lust, at least take Caution to lock your door.
Horror Ratings: 3 Pumpkins
5. Your Wedding Day Footage
Storyline:
Your day started earlier than the rooster. You got jostled from places to places. You perform funny acts and drink silly concoction just to get through the door. You empty your 10 years of savings to throw a banquet, only to realise that you don't know 75% of those who turned up. Your stupidity is taped down so that you can re-live your mistake over and over again.
Horror Ratings: 5 Pumpkins
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Woman Sues Church of the Holy Cow for Trauma from Exorcism
A woman officially filed a lawsuit against the Church of the Holy Cow for post-effect trauma she is sufferring from as a result of an "unlicenced" exorcism.The entire saga started on 29 Feb 2007 at the Church of the Holy Cow. Madam Con Mun Nee, 56, together with her son Mr Jiang Huang Hua and her daughter Ms Jiang Pian Hua, were at the church for a normal prayer.
"It was a Thursday that day," recalls Mdm Con, "and the Toto Group 1 prize money had snowballed passed $2 million. So there i was, at the Church of the Holy Cow, hoping to draw out 6 numbers. I was shaking myself vigorously because the last number simply refused to jump out from the cup. Then suddenly, 2 cows came over, grabbed my hands and pulled me into an exorcism room, claiming i was showing signs of being possessed!"
"My mother was held down by several cows," added Mr Jiang. "We Cantonese like to say you cannot force a cow's head down if it refuse to drink, but this is the first time i ever saw my mother's cow head being pinned to the ground!"
It was known that Mdm Con is seeking $3 million in compensation for the trauma she experienced. "$1 million is for the damage done. The other $2 million is for the loss of chance of winning 29 Feb's Toto!" explained Mdm Con.
Channel News CowShlt managed to get into contact with Father Poke Gai Liao, alleged priest who performed the exorcism.
"We have credible sources that support our claim that Mdm Con was indeed possessed. Our agent has reported seeing her mixing around some ghosts, which our agent claimed as 赌鬼."
When questioned on who is the agent, Father Poke showed us the agent portfolio.
The case will be heard in the District Court tomorrow afternoon. Mr Gu Sai, CEO of Channel News CowShlt, has specially assigned his beloved concubine, Ms Casper, to cover this ghostly event. Stay tuned.
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Gu Sai's Apparent Disappearance - Mystery Solved
Breaking News
Supporters of CowShlt Inc have been wondering high and low on the apparent disappearance of their widely supported CEO, Mr Gu Sai.
"It has been 3 weeks 5 days 8 hours 27 minutes and 48 seconds since i last saw him," commented Milky Cow. "I had been waiting for him for so long until all my milk has run dry!"
"Yah..." lamented Creative Cow. "The Creative Department has been very uncreative lately. I think my brain has already grown moss while waiting for the return of our CEO!"
"And you know what?" chirped in Longkang Cow. "Everyday when i report at CowShlt Inc just to find out that our CEO is not around, my chest falls! Now my monsoon drain has greatly reduced itself to a tiny groove!"
The secret agents from Channel News CowShlt has brought back reports of sightings of Mr Gu Sai from three different instances.
The Bull Run® 2007, Singapore
Mr Gu Sai has been spotted donning his leather suit running around Shenton Way on 12 Oct 2007. It was understood that he was running after a carrot hanging from a stick. He was last seen grazing grass with his fellow cows in the Padang.
The 2007 Ig® Nobel Prize Ceremony, Massachusetts
Mr Gu Sai was publicly seen on stage with Ms Mayu Yamamoto on 4 Oct 2007 to receive the Ig Noble Prize for developing a way to extract vanillin from cow dung. It was reported that Mr Gu Sai actually went on a 48 days vanilla detox diet specially before producing the cow dung for Ms Mayu Yamamoto. Mr Gu Sai was observed to be munching loads of chocolate, presumably for Ms Mayu Yamamoto's next project of extracting choco from cow dung.
Toilet-Shaped Home, Seoul
It was understood that Mr Gu Sai was specially invited by Mr Sim Jae Duck who holds the nickname of 'Mayor Toilet', to officiate the grand opening of his toilet-shaped home. Mr Gu Sai has been Mr Sim's adviser throughout the development of this project. Mr Gu Sai has provided many precious specimens to Mr Sim to ensure that his toilet-shape house is capable of flushing the biggest shlt. However, unconfirmed news also reported of tragedy striking during the final test phase of the project.
"There were quite a few of my co-workers doing the final touch-up of the house interior on that fateful day," recalled Mr Phua Chu Kang, the best contractor in Singapore, JB and now even Korea. "When they were at work, a sudden pile manure just rained down on them. My co-workers have no place to run. Alas, they all lost their lives when they found themselves to be in really deep shit...."
Mr Gu Sai has promised to return to CowShlt Inc as early as possible. But in the meantime, he still have to fly over to Cambodia to bail out his fellow cow which is in police custody for killing motorists.
Channel News CowShlt will bring you the latest news whenever available.
Supporters of CowShlt Inc have been wondering high and low on the apparent disappearance of their widely supported CEO, Mr Gu Sai.
"It has been 3 weeks 5 days 8 hours 27 minutes and 48 seconds since i last saw him," commented Milky Cow. "I had been waiting for him for so long until all my milk has run dry!""Yah..." lamented Creative Cow. "The Creative Department has been very uncreative lately. I think my brain has already grown moss while waiting for the return of our CEO!"
"And you know what?" chirped in Longkang Cow. "Everyday when i report at CowShlt Inc just to find out that our CEO is not around, my chest falls! Now my monsoon drain has greatly reduced itself to a tiny groove!"
The secret agents from Channel News CowShlt has brought back reports of sightings of Mr Gu Sai from three different instances.
The Bull Run® 2007, Singapore
Mr Gu Sai has been spotted donning his leather suit running around Shenton Way on 12 Oct 2007. It was understood that he was running after a carrot hanging from a stick. He was last seen grazing grass with his fellow cows in the Padang.
The 2007 Ig® Nobel Prize Ceremony, Massachusetts
Mr Gu Sai was publicly seen on stage with Ms Mayu Yamamoto on 4 Oct 2007 to receive the Ig Noble Prize for developing a way to extract vanillin from cow dung. It was reported that Mr Gu Sai actually went on a 48 days vanilla detox diet specially before producing the cow dung for Ms Mayu Yamamoto. Mr Gu Sai was observed to be munching loads of chocolate, presumably for Ms Mayu Yamamoto's next project of extracting choco from cow dung.Toilet-Shaped Home, Seoul
It was understood that Mr Gu Sai was specially invited by Mr Sim Jae Duck who holds the nickname of 'Mayor Toilet', to officiate the grand opening of his toilet-shaped home. Mr Gu Sai has been Mr Sim's adviser throughout the development of this project. Mr Gu Sai has provided many precious specimens to Mr Sim to ensure that his toilet-shape house is capable of flushing the biggest shlt. However, unconfirmed news also reported of tragedy striking during the final test phase of the project."There were quite a few of my co-workers doing the final touch-up of the house interior on that fateful day," recalled Mr Phua Chu Kang, the best contractor in Singapore, JB and now even Korea. "When they were at work, a sudden pile manure just rained down on them. My co-workers have no place to run. Alas, they all lost their lives when they found themselves to be in really deep shit...."
Mr Gu Sai has promised to return to CowShlt Inc as early as possible. But in the meantime, he still have to fly over to Cambodia to bail out his fellow cow which is in police custody for killing motorists.
Channel News CowShlt will bring you the latest news whenever available.
Monday, October 1, 2007
CowShlt Inc Launches New Stress Relief Drink!
Breaking News
With its competitor launching their Stress Release Milk, CowShlt Inc has taken swift action in launching its very own brand of stress relieving drink – CowsBerg beer!
With the tension in modern society mounting to a new high, city dwellers are constantly in the look for better, more efficient stress busters. One dairy company in Japan has already launched its “super-premium milk for stressed-out adults” at the price of about ¥5000 for a bottle of 900mm.
“We understand that our fellow competitor has already launched their premium milk to relief stress,” said Mr Gu Sai, CEO of CowShlt Inc. “However, it is a deliberate move to launch CowsBerg beer only after the launch of the premium milk. Our purpose is to have our customers to spend ¥5000 for a bottle of milk, only to find themselves having no more money for any other else and thus inducing even more stress. I am very sure the launch of CowsBerg beer now is a heaven-sent to them!”
Animal rights activists lauded CowShlt Inc attempt in liberating the Cows. The spokesman from the Movement of Ethical Animal Liberation (M.E.A.L) said, “We at M.E.A.L applaud CowShlt Inc for respecting the working conditions of its Cow. Manufacturer of the stress relieving milk actually milk their Cows once a week at the break of dawn. Imagine of the stress of the Cows to wake up 7-early 8-early just to have their tits squeezed! On the other hand, we observed that CowShlt Inc simply provides a bottle each to every Cows and feed them lots of water, which is really healthy. Somehow, the Cows will make their move behind a wall and when they reappeared, their empty bottles are all filled with CowsBerg beer! We can even hear them heaving, ‘Shiok ah! Shee-fok sai…..’ Imagine their job satisfaction at CowShlt Inc!”
In another related news, it was reported that Singapore’s largest parenting portal, IdoBaby, observed a sudden surge of posting in their Boilers Room. The site owner, Mr You Jinx, has this comment. “I suppose with the large consumption of CowsBerg beer, more people are now peeing on their bedsheet. Our Boilers Room provide the best place in Singapore , JB and even Batam for those consumers to hang their dirty laundry. I foresee a new collaboration with CowShlt Inc.”
With its competitor launching their Stress Release Milk, CowShlt Inc has taken swift action in launching its very own brand of stress relieving drink – CowsBerg beer!
With the tension in modern society mounting to a new high, city dwellers are constantly in the look for better, more efficient stress busters. One dairy company in Japan has already launched its “super-premium milk for stressed-out adults” at the price of about ¥5000 for a bottle of 900mm.
“We understand that our fellow competitor has already launched their premium milk to relief stress,” said Mr Gu Sai, CEO of CowShlt Inc. “However, it is a deliberate move to launch CowsBerg beer only after the launch of the premium milk. Our purpose is to have our customers to spend ¥5000 for a bottle of milk, only to find themselves having no more money for any other else and thus inducing even more stress. I am very sure the launch of CowsBerg beer now is a heaven-sent to them!”
Animal rights activists lauded CowShlt Inc attempt in liberating the Cows. The spokesman from the Movement of Ethical Animal Liberation (M.E.A.L) said, “We at M.E.A.L applaud CowShlt Inc for respecting the working conditions of its Cow. Manufacturer of the stress relieving milk actually milk their Cows once a week at the break of dawn. Imagine of the stress of the Cows to wake up 7-early 8-early just to have their tits squeezed! On the other hand, we observed that CowShlt Inc simply provides a bottle each to every Cows and feed them lots of water, which is really healthy. Somehow, the Cows will make their move behind a wall and when they reappeared, their empty bottles are all filled with CowsBerg beer! We can even hear them heaving, ‘Shiok ah! Shee-fok sai…..’ Imagine their job satisfaction at CowShlt Inc!”
In another related news, it was reported that Singapore’s largest parenting portal, IdoBaby, observed a sudden surge of posting in their Boilers Room. The site owner, Mr You Jinx, has this comment. “I suppose with the large consumption of CowsBerg beer, more people are now peeing on their bedsheet. Our Boilers Room provide the best place in Singapore , JB and even Batam for those consumers to hang their dirty laundry. I foresee a new collaboration with CowShlt Inc.”
Cow Peh Explores New Grassland
Cow Peh has successfully migrated to his new grassland in Shenton Way after one week of exodus. This piece of grassland on one look differs much from his old piece of land, namely Woodlands, which is definitely more suitable for woodpeckers instead.
What amaze Cow Peh most is how tall the trees on this grassland are. In Woodlands, the trees are at the most 7 canopies high. But the trees at the grassland are all majestic, with some almost poking through the sky. Cow Peh had a hard time locating his designated tree.
Cow Peh's tree is very near to Beautiful Cow and Cow Bu's trees, in fact his tree is smacked right at the centre of their two. But Cow Peh never got the chance to bump into any of them, given the large herds of Cows in Shenton Way . The only person he bumped into was Tua Pek Kong, whom invited Cow Peh to his modest house along Amoy Street . He vaguely mumbled four numbers to Cow Peh, but when Cow Peh tried calling him with the four numbers, the line didn't go through. Cow Peh also wonders why.
The Shenton Cows seems a very different breed from the Woodlands Cows. Woodlands Cows like to don very casual skin, but Shenton Cows looks so much more uptight. By uptight, Cow Peh meant that their upper bodies look very tight. Cow Peh always have a sudden urge for milk after seeing the Shenton Cows.
In general, the grass in Shenton Way cost much more than Woodlands grass. But to his surprise, Cow Peh was still able to find a $2 lunch of rice with three different grass! Cow Peh really likes to munch cheap grass. However, Cow Peh faces one problem - he could hardly find a seat. All the empty seats are mysteriously occupied by tissue paper packs, umbrella and newspaper. Cow Peh tried asking them whether they had finished their lunch, since no food was present in front of them. But all Cow Peh received were cold stares from some fellow Cows.
Cow Peh has ditched his bullock cart at home and now takes the train to Shenton Way daily. Cow Peh finds it a real enjoyment to see fellow Cows pushing and shoving to snatch a seat. He also finds it fun to observe Loving Twin Cows in close proximity. Somehow, Cow Peh's eye power can magically perform surgery and separate those co-joined twins. Although Cow Peh never received any thanks from them, he is contented inside to know that he has once again saved the less fortunate.
Cow Peh is still trying hard to adapt to his new grassland, but he is sure he can become just another successful Cash Cow of Shenton Way. Until then, CowStyle Magazine will continue to provide readers with exclusive full coverage of Cow Peh's foray into Shenton Way grassland!
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
CowShlT Inc introduces new chain of restaurants with new Slow-Food Concept. Presenting..! COW'S JUNIOR!
CowShlt Inc celebrates this very day, as the Grand Opening of 69 "Cow's Junior" outlets around the island.
This brilliant idea of a slow-food concept has been converted from thoughts to actions, in merely 72 hours.
CowShlt Inc would like to take this opportunity to thank Mr. Sau Chew, washroom cleaner at CowShlt Inc Towers, for having difficulties looking for things to do during the balance 45 minutes of his 1 hour lunch break. He had fast food for lunch that day, and it was fully devoured in only 15 minutes.
Bingo.
The new concept of slow food was born. By saying slow food, of course, we don't mean this.
McSlug
We mean this. Cow's Jnr Meal.
What do you mean it's the same as the others?! NO IT ISN'T.
Well, at least the packaging isn't.
What's so special:
Cow's Junior has an inhouse regulation. Patrons have to use a minimum of 45 mins to consume their food in order for their stomach to digest the food properly. Our tummies work the same as cows don't they? We have 4 too.
Of course, to make this opening a success, we did what we had to do.
Homework.
In a time frame of 28 hours and 46 minutes, we have successfully converted one of our competitor's logo to this. This can now be viewed at their outlets islandwide.
And how can we leave out the imfamous "Advertise-KFC-in-MacDonald"s stunt. That was just what we did. We left our official animal right outside another competitor's outlet.
And, not forgetting to introduce you to Cow's Jnr's Official Mascot, who graced today's opening event.
So what are you still waiting for?
Rush down to your nearest 'Cow's Junior' Slow Food Restaurant, purchase a meal & get a Cow Toy FREE**! It MOOoos!
(AA Batteries not included)
** Toys will only be presented after inspection and certification that you took a minimum of 45 minutes to finish your Cow's Jnr meal.
From all of us at Cow's Junior, we look forward to your patronization.
This brilliant idea of a slow-food concept has been converted from thoughts to actions, in merely 72 hours.
CowShlt Inc would like to take this opportunity to thank Mr. Sau Chew, washroom cleaner at CowShlt Inc Towers, for having difficulties looking for things to do during the balance 45 minutes of his 1 hour lunch break. He had fast food for lunch that day, and it was fully devoured in only 15 minutes.
Bingo.
The new concept of slow food was born. By saying slow food, of course, we don't mean this.
McSlug
We mean this. Cow's Jnr Meal.
What do you mean it's the same as the others?! NO IT ISN'T.
Well, at least the packaging isn't.
What's so special:
Cow's Junior has an inhouse regulation. Patrons have to use a minimum of 45 mins to consume their food in order for their stomach to digest the food properly. Our tummies work the same as cows don't they? We have 4 too.
Of course, to make this opening a success, we did what we had to do.
Homework.
In a time frame of 28 hours and 46 minutes, we have successfully converted one of our competitor's logo to this. This can now be viewed at their outlets islandwide.
And how can we leave out the imfamous "Advertise-KFC-in-MacDonald"s stunt. That was just what we did. We left our official animal right outside another competitor's outlet.
And, not forgetting to introduce you to Cow's Jnr's Official Mascot, who graced today's opening event.
So what are you still waiting for?
Rush down to your nearest 'Cow's Junior' Slow Food Restaurant, purchase a meal & get a Cow Toy FREE**! It MOOoos!
(AA Batteries not included)
** Toys will only be presented after inspection and certification that you took a minimum of 45 minutes to finish your Cow's Jnr meal.
From all of us at Cow's Junior, we look forward to your patronization.
Mr Smiley Celebrates 25th Birthday
Mr Smiley, or :-) as he is better known from his online moniker, celebrates his 25th birthday today. Channel News CowShlt reporter, Ms Wei Wei Xiao, catches up on him "live" at his bithday bash with this exclusive interview.
WWX ~ Ms Wei Wei Xiao
:-) ~ Mr Smiley
WWX ~ Hello Mr Smiley, it's my utmost pleasure to meet you in person!
:-) ~ :)
WWX ~ First of all, Mr Smiley, congratulations on your 25th birthday! This birthday bash is simply the best i had ever attended!
:-) ~ :D
WWX ~ And it sure must be fun too have so many female fans surrounding you, right?
:-) ~ :p
WWX ~ Actually Mr Smiley, i can't help but notice that you share a striking resemblence to our Chief Editor, Mr Cow Peh, or Newbie as he's commonly known from his online moniker.
:-) ~ :-O
WWX ~ But i find him much more handsome as he is red in colour while you are yellow....
:-) ~ X(
WWX ~ Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh!! Mr Smiley you can turn red too!!
:-) ~ ;)
WWX ~ Newbie still cannot turn yellow! You have outdone him by so much!!
:-) ~ :">
WWX ~ So Mr Smiley, after 25 years in the industry, what is your greatest job satisfaction?
:-) ~ :))
WWX ~ You sure seem to be an easily satisfied person, Mr Smiley!
:-) ~ 8-|
WWX ~ Well, it's really nice meeting you today, Mr Smiley. You are such a wonderful person.
:-) ~ O:-)
WWX ~ Any parting shots to all the viewers of Channel News CowShlt?
:-) ~ :-?
:-) ~ :x
WWX ~ Thank you, Mr Smiley, thank you! I'm sure that how all your fans feel towards you too.
:-) ~ :^o
WWX ~ This is Wei Wei Xiao, Channel News CowShlt, "live" from Mr Smiley 25th birthday bash!
:-) ~ :-h
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Mysterious Cow Secret Escapade 17 Sept 2007!!
News Flash!!
Many city dwellers has reported sightings of a strange looking Cow roaming downtown today afternoon. Channel News CowShlt reporting team rushed to the scene real time and brings back first-hand, exclusive report!
The following is the voice recording of Ms Spy The Cow, Channel News CowShlt top paparazzi.
12pm, Organic Restaurant at Stanley Street.
Mysterious Cow is walking into an organic restaurant with a beautiful Cow. Beautiful Cow is so pretty that all the cashew nuts in that restaurant straighten up upon her arrival. I tried to take a picture of Beautiful Cow but her brightness actually exposed the entire roll of film. This is how enchanting Beautiful Cow is.
Mysterious Cow, on the other hand, is in a blood-shot red. Breathing deeply, he seems to be sufferring from extreme hot flushes. Mysterious Cow looks like an exact replication of Red Bull! On closer observation, Mysterious Cow is actually covered with blood!!!
Beautiful Cow: Aiyo dear, faster take this hankerchief and wipe away your nose blood! Your nose has not stop bleeding since the moment you saw me....
Mysterious Cow and Beautiful Cow ordered a huge variety of grass. The waitress is asking if the two of them can finish all food.
Mysterious Cow: Don't worry. I really need more organic grass in order to churn out more organic craps.
It is obvious that Mysterious Cow is really enjoying the company of Beautiful Cow. For that hour, he is surely the envy of all Cows.
1.45pm, Carpark at Amoy Street.
Mysterious Cow takes out his handphone and starts dialing.
Mysterious Cow: Eh dear, free for coffee now or not? What? Need to go find hot chicks for your Cow Boss? Seek help from your sister Ding Dong Cow lah! Her profession now is chasing after birds what! Heard her latest victims were Big Cock and Ku Ku Jiao. I'm sure she has no problem finding some chicks and set them on fire! Hot enough or not??
It is still unknown whom was on the line, but Mysterious Cow is driving off now! Taxi!!!
2.15pm, Cafe at Shaw House.
Mysterious Cow is now walking towards another Cow. This Cow is definitely a milk Cow, given the outlook of her assets!
Milky Cow: It's such an honour to meet you today!
Mysterious Cow: Beautiful Cow is so pretty.......
Milky Cow: Erm... Shall i get you a cup of coffee?
Mysterious Cow: Beautiful Cow is so pretty.......
Milky Cow: Hello? Are you actually meeting me now or Beautiful Cow?
Mysterious Cow: Beautiful Cow is so pretty.......
Milky Cow: Wei....................
Mysterious Cow: Beautiful Cow is so pretty.......
What the h.... Oh my gosh!! Milky Cow just released tonnes of fresh milk and flooded the entire cafe!! Mysterious Cow is no where to be seen! I will bring back any news once i gather any update! I truly hope Mysterious Cow can survive this milky tragedy!
This is Spy The Cow,
Live from Singapore,
Channel News CowShlt
Many city dwellers has reported sightings of a strange looking Cow roaming downtown today afternoon. Channel News CowShlt reporting team rushed to the scene real time and brings back first-hand, exclusive report!
The following is the voice recording of Ms Spy The Cow, Channel News CowShlt top paparazzi.
12pm, Organic Restaurant at Stanley Street.
Mysterious Cow is walking into an organic restaurant with a beautiful Cow. Beautiful Cow is so pretty that all the cashew nuts in that restaurant straighten up upon her arrival. I tried to take a picture of Beautiful Cow but her brightness actually exposed the entire roll of film. This is how enchanting Beautiful Cow is.
Mysterious Cow, on the other hand, is in a blood-shot red. Breathing deeply, he seems to be sufferring from extreme hot flushes. Mysterious Cow looks like an exact replication of Red Bull! On closer observation, Mysterious Cow is actually covered with blood!!!
Beautiful Cow: Aiyo dear, faster take this hankerchief and wipe away your nose blood! Your nose has not stop bleeding since the moment you saw me....
Mysterious Cow and Beautiful Cow ordered a huge variety of grass. The waitress is asking if the two of them can finish all food.
Mysterious Cow: Don't worry. I really need more organic grass in order to churn out more organic craps.
It is obvious that Mysterious Cow is really enjoying the company of Beautiful Cow. For that hour, he is surely the envy of all Cows.
1.45pm, Carpark at Amoy Street.
Mysterious Cow takes out his handphone and starts dialing.
Mysterious Cow: Eh dear, free for coffee now or not? What? Need to go find hot chicks for your Cow Boss? Seek help from your sister Ding Dong Cow lah! Her profession now is chasing after birds what! Heard her latest victims were Big Cock and Ku Ku Jiao. I'm sure she has no problem finding some chicks and set them on fire! Hot enough or not??
It is still unknown whom was on the line, but Mysterious Cow is driving off now! Taxi!!!
2.15pm, Cafe at Shaw House.
Mysterious Cow is now walking towards another Cow. This Cow is definitely a milk Cow, given the outlook of her assets!
Milky Cow: It's such an honour to meet you today!
Mysterious Cow: Beautiful Cow is so pretty.......
Milky Cow: Erm... Shall i get you a cup of coffee?
Mysterious Cow: Beautiful Cow is so pretty.......
Milky Cow: Hello? Are you actually meeting me now or Beautiful Cow?
Mysterious Cow: Beautiful Cow is so pretty.......
Milky Cow: Wei....................
Mysterious Cow: Beautiful Cow is so pretty.......
What the h.... Oh my gosh!! Milky Cow just released tonnes of fresh milk and flooded the entire cafe!! Mysterious Cow is no where to be seen! I will bring back any news once i gather any update! I truly hope Mysterious Cow can survive this milky tragedy!
This is Spy The Cow,
Live from Singapore,
Channel News CowShlt
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Cow Peh Seeks Greener Pasture
After 4 years 6 months 7 days, Cow Peh finally left his old grassland in search for greener pasture. He has decided to roam around for a week, before stepping into his new grassland.
The new grassland offers the type of grass that is totally alien to Cow Peh. He has never tasted such grass before. Whether his four stomachs are able to digest such grass is yet to be proven. But Cow Peh deeply believes, that as long as he is determine to chew, he is still capable of producing top grade shlt regardless of grass type.
Cow Peh still holds dear memory of the old grassland. It not that the grass there is bad. But just that the fertilizer and pesticides the sherperd uses leave a sour taste in his mouth. The sherperd did a lot of things, which many were not explained. No Cows know what the sherperd is hiding from them, even if the changes have direct impact to the Cows.
The herd of Cows at the old grassland used to enjoy much freedom to roam. Every Cow is closely knit. We call it, the Cow Touch. However, ever since hierarchy kicked in, things become political, and some Cows became sacrificial Cows. Values we held on to strongly disappeared. Some Cows became gray instead of black and white. And whenever those Cows produce sour milk, they secretly change their bucket with the innocent Cows.
The future is unknown to Cow Peh. He is, afterall, leaving his comfort zone. But he is determined to step out, determined to seek his long lost passion, determined to rekindle his spirit in chewing grass. Wiping away tears from his fellow Cows eyes, he bide one by one farewell. Leaving a grassland that he pioneered is actually harder than he thought. But he has to go, as the grass in his stomach is again stirring. So with a powerful fart, Cow Peh flew out of his old grassland, giving a final handshake to those Cows whom send him till the very end.
Cow Peh wishes all surviving Cows at his old grassland their best. Cow Peh remembers their pact. Wait for your referral 3 months down the road, fellow Cows!!
The new grassland offers the type of grass that is totally alien to Cow Peh. He has never tasted such grass before. Whether his four stomachs are able to digest such grass is yet to be proven. But Cow Peh deeply believes, that as long as he is determine to chew, he is still capable of producing top grade shlt regardless of grass type.
Cow Peh still holds dear memory of the old grassland. It not that the grass there is bad. But just that the fertilizer and pesticides the sherperd uses leave a sour taste in his mouth. The sherperd did a lot of things, which many were not explained. No Cows know what the sherperd is hiding from them, even if the changes have direct impact to the Cows.
The herd of Cows at the old grassland used to enjoy much freedom to roam. Every Cow is closely knit. We call it, the Cow Touch. However, ever since hierarchy kicked in, things become political, and some Cows became sacrificial Cows. Values we held on to strongly disappeared. Some Cows became gray instead of black and white. And whenever those Cows produce sour milk, they secretly change their bucket with the innocent Cows.
The future is unknown to Cow Peh. He is, afterall, leaving his comfort zone. But he is determined to step out, determined to seek his long lost passion, determined to rekindle his spirit in chewing grass. Wiping away tears from his fellow Cows eyes, he bide one by one farewell. Leaving a grassland that he pioneered is actually harder than he thought. But he has to go, as the grass in his stomach is again stirring. So with a powerful fart, Cow Peh flew out of his old grassland, giving a final handshake to those Cows whom send him till the very end.
Cow Peh wishes all surviving Cows at his old grassland their best. Cow Peh remembers their pact. Wait for your referral 3 months down the road, fellow Cows!!
Thursday, September 13, 2007
CowShlt Inc Signs New Deal with Health Promotion Board
CowShit Inc, the top crap provider in Singapore, penned down a new deal with Health Promotion Board (HPB) for this year National Healthy Lifestyle Campaign, tagged "Healthy Mind, Happy Life". The campaign this year aims to "encourage Singaporeans to nurture and look after their mental health".
It was understood that CowShlt Inc emerged victorious among thousands of other service providers. The winning margin was not released, but insider source revealed it was a close fight between CowShlt Inc and Gu-Chi Pte Ltd.
The person behind this service tender, Ms Xun Kai Xin from HPB, spoke to this reporter after being stalked for 3 days 3 nights.
"It was indeed a close fight between CowShlt Inc and Gu-Chi Pte Ltd. Gu-Chi Pte Ltd did a fairly good job during the preliminary assessment, tickling my Global Sourcer funnybone. However, when they tried to finger me, my G Spot was not aroused at all! Huh? What is G Spot?? My Gu-Chi Spot lah!"
The CEO of CowShlt Inc, Mr Gu Sai, revealed to this reporter his winning formula. "I actually have no idea what happened. During the meetup, my laser pointer dropped. All i did was went under the table. Just that at that point of time, i saw some grass like structure between Ms Xun's legs. And being a true blue Cow, i simply crawled over savour the delicacy. When i emerged, Ms Xun was already in cloud nine estacy. I guess making her happy was what this tender was all about."
CowShlt Inc has lined up a series of fun-filled activities during this campaign. Among these activities are short courses and games aimed at teaching people how to be happy. A brief description of the events is provided below.
Short Courses
1. Learn Foreplay in 10 Minutes. Learn how to arouse your interest in your course of work. Rejuvenate yourself back to your optimal performance. Participants with strong fingers or tongue muscles preferred.
2. Difference Between Kong-Cuss, Kong-Cum and Kon-Kar-Kiao. Learn the differences between each level of happiness so you can plan, execute and manage your happiness effectively. The course book, "21 Ways of Saying I'm Happy", will be provided free.
3. The Laughter Workshop. Learn how to laugh at the correct situation. You will be equipped with the ability to differentiate what is "Hor Chio", "Zin Hor Chio" and "Sibei Hor Chio". Master the correct laughing technique and impress all around you!
Carnival Games
1. Throw Shlt at Your Boss. You will finally have a chance to throw our patented CowShlt back to your boss. Have no fear! Our patented CowShlt are all teflon coated, making it non-stick to your hands.
2. Match the Laughter Contest. Match the laughter to the correct animal and walk away with attractive prizes!
3. Laughing Marathon. Laugh for 21 days without food, drinks or sleep. Eventual winner gets a 4 days 3 nights all expenses paid trip to the ultra exclusive CowShlt Country Club.
CowShlt Inc and Health Promotion Board will conduct a joint press release once the details are finalized.
Save The Cows..!!!
A standard beef slaughterhouse kills 250 cattle every hour.
The high speed of the assembly line makes it increasingly difficult to treat animals with any tweeny bit of humaneness.
It is impossible to have a good attitude toward cattle if employees have to constantly overexert themselves, just to keep up with the line.
Prior to being hung up by their back legs and bled to death, cattle are supposed to be rendered unconscious, as stipulated by the federal Humane Slaughter Act. This 'stunning' is usually done by a mechanical blow to the head.
However, the procedure is terribly imprecise, and inadequate stunning is inevitable.
As a result, conscious animals are often hung upside down, kicking and struggling, while a slaughterhouse worker makes another attempt to render them unconscious. Eventually, the animals will be struck in the throat with a knife, and blood will gush from their bodies whether or not they are unconscious.
Cows are peaceful, sentient beings who deserve the right to life like anyone else.
The next time you stop at a fast food restaurant for a hamburger, please remember the horrendous suffering involved for 15 minutes of your gratification.
What you can do to help:
Wear this sexy lil top the next time you patronize your favourite fast food restaurant.
Mmmmmm... Yummy.
The high speed of the assembly line makes it increasingly difficult to treat animals with any tweeny bit of humaneness.
It is impossible to have a good attitude toward cattle if employees have to constantly overexert themselves, just to keep up with the line.
Prior to being hung up by their back legs and bled to death, cattle are supposed to be rendered unconscious, as stipulated by the federal Humane Slaughter Act. This 'stunning' is usually done by a mechanical blow to the head.
However, the procedure is terribly imprecise, and inadequate stunning is inevitable.
As a result, conscious animals are often hung upside down, kicking and struggling, while a slaughterhouse worker makes another attempt to render them unconscious. Eventually, the animals will be struck in the throat with a knife, and blood will gush from their bodies whether or not they are unconscious.
Cows are peaceful, sentient beings who deserve the right to life like anyone else.
The next time you stop at a fast food restaurant for a hamburger, please remember the horrendous suffering involved for 15 minutes of your gratification.
What you can do to help:
Wear this sexy lil top the next time you patronize your favourite fast food restaurant.
Mmmmmm... Yummy.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
We Welcome Crap
Internal Circulation to Graduates of Bachelor of Universal Laughing Lesson (B.U.L.L)
Dear Proud Graduates of Ours,
We recognize your contribution to the society after your graduation from CowShlT University, holding a paper in B.U.L.L.
We see you on the papers all the time, shaking hands with governors of different countries - holding the handshake in place while reporters snap their cameras away (and yes, that frozen plastic smile). Ahhhh... These are signs of a CowShlt Member.
We want to hear from you, we welcome your views. If you have anything to say/ any interesting articles to share in the CowShlT Alumni Newsletter, kindly write to us at cowshlt@gmail.com.
If your article is published, we will be more than pleased to send you a "I don't wanna grow up, I'm a CowShlT Inc Kid!" T-skirt and what's more.. 15kg of crap, nicely bundled up and dropped off your doorstep.
We hope to hear from you soon.
Warm Regards,
Ms. Boh Tak Cheh
VP, Alumni Unit
CowShlt Inc., Singapore
废话私人有限公司
Dear Proud Graduates of Ours,
We recognize your contribution to the society after your graduation from CowShlT University, holding a paper in B.U.L.L.
We see you on the papers all the time, shaking hands with governors of different countries - holding the handshake in place while reporters snap their cameras away (and yes, that frozen plastic smile). Ahhhh... These are signs of a CowShlt Member.
We want to hear from you, we welcome your views. If you have anything to say/ any interesting articles to share in the CowShlT Alumni Newsletter, kindly write to us at cowshlt@gmail.com.
If your article is published, we will be more than pleased to send you a "I don't wanna grow up, I'm a CowShlT Inc Kid!" T-skirt and what's more.. 15kg of crap, nicely bundled up and dropped off your doorstep.
We hope to hear from you soon.
Warm Regards,
Ms. Boh Tak Cheh
VP, Alumni Unit
CowShlt Inc., Singapore
废话私人有限公司
CowShlt Inc Pays Tribute to Ms Anita Roddick
The CEO of CowShlt Inc pays tribute to Ms Anita Roddick, founder of The Body Shop, whom passed away on 10 Sept 2007.
"Ms Roddick was the pioneer campaigner for environmental protection. Because of her efforts, our fellow Cows have more land to roam, greener pasture to graze, and cleaner water to drink. There is a Chinese saying that went 'You can't force a Cow's head down if it refuses to drink'. Our fellow Cows refused to drink because of water pollution, but Ms Roddick gave us a scent of fresh air.
Ms Roddick was also a keen supporter against animal testing. Our fellow Cows had long suffered under the hands on unethical businessmen, whom will force us into a shampoo, colour our lips red and make us smell like strawberry instead. Our fellow Cows which worked under Ms Roddick were fortunate enough to maintain their black and white colour. Unlike their poor counterparts in some other MNCs, which ended up looking like Barney.
It is a great loss to Planet Earth on the dismiss of Ms Roddick. We sincerely urge The Body Shop to continue with Ms Roddick's vision of responsible manufacturing and ethical marketing."
"Ms Roddick was the pioneer campaigner for environmental protection. Because of her efforts, our fellow Cows have more land to roam, greener pasture to graze, and cleaner water to drink. There is a Chinese saying that went 'You can't force a Cow's head down if it refuses to drink'. Our fellow Cows refused to drink because of water pollution, but Ms Roddick gave us a scent of fresh air.
Ms Roddick was also a keen supporter against animal testing. Our fellow Cows had long suffered under the hands on unethical businessmen, whom will force us into a shampoo, colour our lips red and make us smell like strawberry instead. Our fellow Cows which worked under Ms Roddick were fortunate enough to maintain their black and white colour. Unlike their poor counterparts in some other MNCs, which ended up looking like Barney.
It is a great loss to Planet Earth on the dismiss of Ms Roddick. We sincerely urge The Body Shop to continue with Ms Roddick's vision of responsible manufacturing and ethical marketing."
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
CowShlt Inc Sees New Business Opportunity!
With the recent declaration that
Malaysian ambulances are actually health hazards, CowShlt Inc sees a business deal in the making.
Below is the secretly taped conversation between the CEO, Mr Gu Sai and COO, Ms Gu Ni, of CowShlt Inc.
CEO: Do you know that Malaysian ambulances are now considered as health hazards?
COO: Yeah... Looks like a good opportunity for us to venture into the Malaysia market.
CEO: Do we have any ambulance model in mind to sell to them?
COO: Yes. German engine, 4-wheels drive. Environmental friendly with minimum greenhouse gas output. Highest fuel saving ratings in the market.
CEO: You have a picture of the car?
COO: Here.
CEO: Looks good. I'm sure it can withstand some bumpy rides, right?
COO: Of course.
CEO: Apart from the vehicle, we must also provide the manpower assistance.
COO: Don't worry, sir. I have them all ready....
Malaysian ambulances are actually health hazards, CowShlt Inc sees a business deal in the making.
Below is the secretly taped conversation between the CEO, Mr Gu Sai and COO, Ms Gu Ni, of CowShlt Inc.
CEO: Do you know that Malaysian ambulances are now considered as health hazards?
COO: Yeah... Looks like a good opportunity for us to venture into the Malaysia market.
CEO: Do we have any ambulance model in mind to sell to them?
COO: Yes. German engine, 4-wheels drive. Environmental friendly with minimum greenhouse gas output. Highest fuel saving ratings in the market.
CEO: You have a picture of the car?
COO: Here.
CEO: Looks good. I'm sure it can withstand some bumpy rides, right?
COO: Of course.
CEO: Apart from the vehicle, we must also provide the manpower assistance.
COO: Don't worry, sir. I have them all ready....
CowShlt Inc Observe A Minute of Silence
The CEO of CowShlt Inc leads all staffs to observe a minute of silence for the victims of New York World Trade Centre attack on Sept 11, 2001.
Somewhere in time, humanity was lost;
Everything seemed so crazy and wild.
People went insane;
Targetting at the innocents;
Engulfing the world with their crazy flames.
Memories for the victims, recaptured today;
Bearing in mind, their beauty will stay.
Ever so softly, i say a little prayer;
Rest in peace, my innocent friends.
Somewhere in time, humanity was lost;
Everything seemed so crazy and wild.
People went insane;
Targetting at the innocents;
Engulfing the world with their crazy flames.
Memories for the victims, recaptured today;
Bearing in mind, their beauty will stay.
Ever so softly, i say a little prayer;
Rest in peace, my innocent friends.
Monday, September 10, 2007
Urgent Service Request from 阎罗王
Internal Memo: High Importance
10 Sept 2007
Dear colleagues,
I have received an urgent Request for Service from Mr 阎罗王. Apparently, Mr 牛头 has gone AWOL with his weapon on hand while performing his guard duties and Mr 马面 was down with MC after contracting equine influenza. They are therefore unable to discharge their duties of chasing all the wandering spirits back to Hades tonight.
As this is an emergency deployment, i will personally lead this project to ensure we meets the Time to Deliver. Projected completion of this project is tonight, 10 Sept 2007 2359 hours. As such, all staffs of CowShlt Inc are expected to work overtime tonight and dinner will be provided.
Below is a brief discription of the jobs and responsibilities of each department. Respective department heads will hold a separate briefing to spell out the details.
Human Resource Department: Kindly cater dinner for all staffs tonight. Allow all staffs to choose between plain and scented joss sticks for the main course. Desserts shall be the standard strawberry flavoured candles. Free flow of rice wine must also be available.
Account Department: Mr 阎罗王 has paid me in advance with a stack of hard cold cash. However, when i tried using them to buy a can of beer from 7-11 this morning, the cashier threw the money back to me instead. Kindly work with the banks to exchange the money back to local currency.
Engineering Department: To ensure a smooth product transfer tonight, please dig another 3 highways to hell by 2330 hours. Ensure that the highways only allow one-way traffic. And don't forget the ERP gantries. We are charging Mr 阎罗王 on a per head (and thus, don't bother about those ghosts without head) basis.
Debt Collection Department: Please make full use of your special capabilities to locate every single spirit that went hiding. Leave no stones un-turned. Do not attempt to hang any pig head tonight or it will end up and dinner to all the hungry ghosts. Use force instead. If any spirit refuse to co-operate, make sure you make their lifes on Earth a living hell.
Your co-operation to meet the tight project timeline is deeply appreciated. The profits collected from Mr 阎罗王 will be directly distributed to all staffs.
Best regards,
Gu Sai
CEO, CowShlt Inc
10 Sept 2007
Dear colleagues,
I have received an urgent Request for Service from Mr 阎罗王. Apparently, Mr 牛头 has gone AWOL with his weapon on hand while performing his guard duties and Mr 马面 was down with MC after contracting equine influenza. They are therefore unable to discharge their duties of chasing all the wandering spirits back to Hades tonight.
As this is an emergency deployment, i will personally lead this project to ensure we meets the Time to Deliver. Projected completion of this project is tonight, 10 Sept 2007 2359 hours. As such, all staffs of CowShlt Inc are expected to work overtime tonight and dinner will be provided.
Below is a brief discription of the jobs and responsibilities of each department. Respective department heads will hold a separate briefing to spell out the details.
Human Resource Department: Kindly cater dinner for all staffs tonight. Allow all staffs to choose between plain and scented joss sticks for the main course. Desserts shall be the standard strawberry flavoured candles. Free flow of rice wine must also be available.
Account Department: Mr 阎罗王 has paid me in advance with a stack of hard cold cash. However, when i tried using them to buy a can of beer from 7-11 this morning, the cashier threw the money back to me instead. Kindly work with the banks to exchange the money back to local currency.
Engineering Department: To ensure a smooth product transfer tonight, please dig another 3 highways to hell by 2330 hours. Ensure that the highways only allow one-way traffic. And don't forget the ERP gantries. We are charging Mr 阎罗王 on a per head (and thus, don't bother about those ghosts without head) basis.
Debt Collection Department: Please make full use of your special capabilities to locate every single spirit that went hiding. Leave no stones un-turned. Do not attempt to hang any pig head tonight or it will end up and dinner to all the hungry ghosts. Use force instead. If any spirit refuse to co-operate, make sure you make their lifes on Earth a living hell.
Your co-operation to meet the tight project timeline is deeply appreciated. The profits collected from Mr 阎罗王 will be directly distributed to all staffs.
Best regards,
Gu Sai
CEO, CowShlt Inc
Sunday, September 9, 2007
Australia Cows Gear Up to Take Over Horseracing Industry
News Flash!!
Millions of Cows in Australia are gearing themselves up to take over the horseracing industry with the recent outbreak of Horse Flu Virus in that country.
The ground in Australia is abuzzed with news that the local Cows are all ready to invade the horseracing tracks with the recent outbreak of Horse Flu Virus in that country. Many Cows were reported ditching their fields in search of glory and the lucrative prizes from the gambling industry.
Mr Cow Money, a resident Cow from New Cows Wales, said to the reporter, "Gamblers always claim themselves to be investors. And to an investor, what is more appealing than a Bullish Market? I am sure gamblers all over Australia will welcome the replacement of Cows over horses on the racetracks."
Another Cow, who chose to remain anonymous, said, "I think the timing is right. We had been undergoing intensive resistence training by pulling bullock carts and ploughing the field. And when once we release the weights, i believe we can really jump over the moon. Hey! That poem wasn't meant as a fairytale OK?!!"
A Sick Horse Imperial Trainer (S.H.I.T), who declined to be interviewed, was heard mumbling to himself, "Those Cows really hit the Bull's Eye this time......"
The Cow's Domestic Union of Non-profitable Groups (CowDUNG) made this statement. "The Cows in Australia generated the most profits for this country. Our products always top the country's export list. We works daily, regardless rain or shine. So, why must the biggest prize be always reserved for the horse which runs for less than a minute? It is time for the Cows to claim back the glory which rightfully belongs to us!"
When reminded about the similar situations faced by the Cows during the spread of Mad Cow Disease, CowDUNG only replied, "That was the time when the people kept squeezing our female workers breasts. It will be their time to get mad when they start squeezing their own balls when watching our bulls race."
Millions of Cows in Australia are gearing themselves up to take over the horseracing industry with the recent outbreak of Horse Flu Virus in that country.
The ground in Australia is abuzzed with news that the local Cows are all ready to invade the horseracing tracks with the recent outbreak of Horse Flu Virus in that country. Many Cows were reported ditching their fields in search of glory and the lucrative prizes from the gambling industry.
Mr Cow Money, a resident Cow from New Cows Wales, said to the reporter, "Gamblers always claim themselves to be investors. And to an investor, what is more appealing than a Bullish Market? I am sure gamblers all over Australia will welcome the replacement of Cows over horses on the racetracks."
Another Cow, who chose to remain anonymous, said, "I think the timing is right. We had been undergoing intensive resistence training by pulling bullock carts and ploughing the field. And when once we release the weights, i believe we can really jump over the moon. Hey! That poem wasn't meant as a fairytale OK?!!"
A Sick Horse Imperial Trainer (S.H.I.T), who declined to be interviewed, was heard mumbling to himself, "Those Cows really hit the Bull's Eye this time......"
The Cow's Domestic Union of Non-profitable Groups (CowDUNG) made this statement. "The Cows in Australia generated the most profits for this country. Our products always top the country's export list. We works daily, regardless rain or shine. So, why must the biggest prize be always reserved for the horse which runs for less than a minute? It is time for the Cows to claim back the glory which rightfully belongs to us!"
When reminded about the similar situations faced by the Cows during the spread of Mad Cow Disease, CowDUNG only replied, "That was the time when the people kept squeezing our female workers breasts. It will be their time to get mad when they start squeezing their own balls when watching our bulls race."
Thursday, September 6, 2007
British Cows Stage Major Protest
Thousands of Cows were observed marching down the streets in northern Britain in protest of the government's decision in allowing the creation of human-animal embryos.
The Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority (HFEA) decision to allow creation of "cytoplasmic" embryos, which merge a tiny bit of human DNA with eggs from animals such as cattle has greatly angered the Cows community in Britain. A female Cow, under the condition of staying anonymous, spoke to the reporter.
"This is plainly inhumane. I cannot imagine myself going to bed with a human. I mean, compare the satisfaction i get from my bull boyfriend to a human. You seriously think any Tom, DICK or Hairy can fill my hole, i mean, spiritual hollowness?"
The Committee Of Workers Private Engagement Network In Singapore (C.O.W.P.E.N.I.S) specially sent a delegate of 200 Cows to Britain to support the demonstration. Its spokesperson, Mr Niu Bian said, "Human beings have longed been known for performing heinous acts just for their own kinky pleasure. Reproduction has always been a missionary act from Mother Nature. But human beings bent nature and adopted doggy style instead. And now, they even want to attempt Cow style!!"
Another group of foreign delegates from China's Mainland Industrial Lactation Kongsi (M.I.L.K) chirped in. "人类实在太不像样了! 我们已经长期被人类欺压, 太久太久了!! 人类喝光我们的牛奶, 穿走我们的牛仔裤, 甚至还发我们的牛脾气! 我们受够了!"
It is unknown how much longer will the demonstration take place. According to internal sources, the British government has already deployed batches of Beefeaters, including the first female Beefeater, to maintain order. A secret conversation between two Beefeaters was overheard. "Thousands of Cows out there. We are Beefeaters. Yum yum......."
As of press time, the Cow Madness continues.
News in Brief
CowShlt Inc Inks Casino Deal with Stones
In response to the opening of Venetian in Macau, CowShlt Inc decided to co-develope an even bigger casino with Las Vegas Sands biggest rival, Las Vegas Stones. The new casino is slated to be built on CowShlt Inc latest acquired island, MaCow.
According to the CEO of CowShlt Inc., Mr Gu Sai, the new casino will have "everything bigger than Venetian". Mr Sai said, "In our new casino, instead of being served by those fragile Bunny Ladies, patrons can expect top-level services by our patented Cow Ladies. To ensure the no patrons get drunk, we will serve fresh milk instead of beer. Simply enquire for a glass from our Cow Ladies. Freshness and satisfaction guaranteed! If the patron requires more, a Cow Lady upsize is always available!"
According to internal sources, the new casino will be aptly named Cash Cow Casino.
In response to the opening of Venetian in Macau, CowShlt Inc decided to co-develope an even bigger casino with Las Vegas Sands biggest rival, Las Vegas Stones. The new casino is slated to be built on CowShlt Inc latest acquired island, MaCow.
According to the CEO of CowShlt Inc., Mr Gu Sai, the new casino will have "everything bigger than Venetian". Mr Sai said, "In our new casino, instead of being served by those fragile Bunny Ladies, patrons can expect top-level services by our patented Cow Ladies. To ensure the no patrons get drunk, we will serve fresh milk instead of beer. Simply enquire for a glass from our Cow Ladies. Freshness and satisfaction guaranteed! If the patron requires more, a Cow Lady upsize is always available!"
According to internal sources, the new casino will be aptly named Cash Cow Casino.
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
Wa-Cow Primary School - Coloring Contest
Wa-Cow Primary School
Newsletter - Volume 1
A coloring contest was held school wide for the 500 school children in Wa-Cow Primary School.
The principal of this school, Ms. Ma-cow organized this competition as she noticed that children in her school practically had nothing to do other than exchange flash cards, marbles and play zero point everyday.
Ms. Ma-Cow has coordially invitied CowShlT Inc's Cow-Peh & Cow-Bu as Guest Judges.
Below are the most commonly heard statements throughout the judging:
Cow-Bu: "This seems too edgy.."
Cow-Peh: "There is no feeling at all.."
Cow-Bu: "This gives me goosebumps"..
Cow-Peh: **Throws up**
As the guest judges had no other better picture to choose from, they finally chose 2 pictures that's closest to the products of their company.
Well Done Wa-Cow Primary School, and the Champion with a case of Split Personality, Mai-Cow!!
Newsletter - Volume 1
A coloring contest was held school wide for the 500 school children in Wa-Cow Primary School.
The principal of this school, Ms. Ma-cow organized this competition as she noticed that children in her school practically had nothing to do other than exchange flash cards, marbles and play zero point everyday.
Ms. Ma-Cow has coordially invitied CowShlT Inc's Cow-Peh & Cow-Bu as Guest Judges.
Below are the most commonly heard statements throughout the judging:
Cow-Bu: "This seems too edgy.."
Cow-Peh: "There is no feeling at all.."
Cow-Bu: "This gives me goosebumps"..
Cow-Peh: **Throws up**
As the guest judges had no other better picture to choose from, they finally chose 2 pictures that's closest to the products of their company.
Well Done Wa-Cow Primary School, and the Champion with a case of Split Personality, Mai-Cow!!
CowShlt Inc Offers Perfect Solution to Mahathir's Worry
Press Release
5 Sept 2007
Malaysia ex-Prime Minister, Tun Dr Mahathir, has expressed concern of "IDR falling into S'pore's hands".
CowShlt Inc sincerely propose itself to become the major working partner of Tun Dr Mahathir in addressing his concern.
First and foremost, CowShlt Inc should become the main developer of IDR. By developing IDR, CowShlt Inc will actually plant all our resources in place. Then there will be no more space for the Chinese that Tun Dr Mahathir dreads so much. Tun Dr Mahathir can use our recent invasion as reference.
Malaysia ex-Prime Minister, Tun Dr Mahathir, has expressed concern of "IDR falling into S'pore's hands".
CowShlt Inc sincerely propose itself to become the major working partner of Tun Dr Mahathir in addressing his concern.
First and foremost, CowShlt Inc should become the main developer of IDR. By developing IDR, CowShlt Inc will actually plant all our resources in place. Then there will be no more space for the Chinese that Tun Dr Mahathir dreads so much. Tun Dr Mahathir can use our recent invasion as reference.
Apart from this, CowShlt Inc will provide maximum security against illegal instruders. Our Special Task Force will provide 24 hours around the clock prowling services. Click HERE for our testimonial video.
With the above measures in place, we are confident that the IDR will be completely free from the Chinese that Tun Dr Mahathir so dearly detest. Beside, no other company can provide Tun Dr Mahathir with as much shlt as CowShlt Inc for him to throw at Singapore.
We sincerely invite Tun Dr Mahathir to call 1800-CowShlt immediately. We will be pleased to talk to him until the Cows come home.
Your sincerely,
Gu Sai
CEO, CowShlt Inc
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
MNCs VS COWS
WHAT DIFFERENT MNCs DO TO 2 COWS:
AMERICAN CORPORATION -You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have down sized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION -You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.
ITALIAN CORPORATION -You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.
GERMAN CORPORATION -You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
JAPANESE CORPORATION -You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION - You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have
COWSHIT INC CORPORATION - We eat them. Life is simple, Life is good.
This blog does not represent the views of CowShit Inc. It was simply an overflow of crap juice, at 10.59pm. So we masturbated.
Signing of with Lotsa Juice,
Cow-Bu
AMERICAN CORPORATION -You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have down sized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION -You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.
ITALIAN CORPORATION -You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.
GERMAN CORPORATION -You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
JAPANESE CORPORATION -You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION - You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have
COWSHIT INC CORPORATION - We eat them. Life is simple, Life is good.
This blog does not represent the views of CowShit Inc. It was simply an overflow of crap juice, at 10.59pm. So we masturbated.
Signing of with Lotsa Juice,
Cow-Bu
The Infamous CowShlT (silly) Jokes
Where do cows go when they want a night out?
To the moo-vies!
What was the bull doing in the pasture with his eyes closed?
Bull-dozin'
How does a farmer count a herd of cows?
With a Cowculator
Q: What does a cow ride when his car is broken?
A: A COW-asaki MOO-torcycle!
Q: Where do cows go on their space vacation?
A: The moooooon!
We love our color cause Black and white is always an appropriate fashion statement.
Why doesn't the people at cowshlt inc have any money?
Because everyone.. freakin milks us dry!!
To the moo-vies!
What was the bull doing in the pasture with his eyes closed?
Bull-dozin'
How does a farmer count a herd of cows?
With a Cowculator
Q: What does a cow ride when his car is broken?
A: A COW-asaki MOO-torcycle!
Q: Where do cows go on their space vacation?
A: The moooooon!
We love our color cause Black and white is always an appropriate fashion statement.
Why doesn't the people at cowshlt inc have any money?
Because everyone.. freakin milks us dry!!
Cow Story, and Other Animals Too.
In a small little farm, there lived an old couple without kid. Even though they were poor, they were happy.
The old couple only had 3 assets - a Cow, a pig and a hen. Unknown to them, there was actually another occupant in their humble little hut, a rat.
One fine morning, the rat was finally discovered by the old man. To capture the rat, the old man made a mousetrap himself and placed it on the kitchen floor, where the rat was most likely to appear.
Their actions were observed by the rat. Fearing for its own life, the rat went around begging for assistance to remove the mousetrap.
First, the rat went straight to the Cow. "Mr Cow, you are the biggest and strongest among us all. Please! Help me remove that mousetrap!" The Cow replied nonchalantly, "Little rat, that is YOUR trap and has nothing to do with me. Now, will you please go away while i continue manufacturing CowShlt Inc raw materials?"
Feeling disappointed, the rat scurried over to the pig. "Please, Mr pig. Your master laid a mousetrap in the kitchen. Please help me remove it!" The pig completely ignored the rat and continued its long afternoon nap.
Without any choice, the rat approached the hen with its crest fallen. "Ms Hen. I wonder if you will be kind enough to help me remove the mousetrap." The hen gave a chuckle and sneered, "My precious body is for laying the golden eggs. Not to remove mousetrap for you dirty little creature!!"
Unable to secure any help, the rat resigned its fate and hid into a corner.
Darkness fell. The old couple retreated to their bed. But just minutes after resting their eyes, they heard the mousetrap snapped. Believing that they caught the rat, the old woman proceeded to the kitchen to clear the mess.
Unaware to the old woman, the mousetrap actually caught the tail of a snake. When the old woman went into the kitchen in darkness, the wounded snake sprang its fangs and bit into the old woman's calf.
The old woman's wound got infected. She came down with a high fever the very next day. Without money to summon any doctor, the old man did what he thought was best. He slaughtered the hen to make Chicken Soup for the Wounded Soul.
However, things didn't seem to get any better. So the old man proceeded with Step 2 the next day. The pig had no choice but to donate its liver, spleen, bones, meat and whatever other bodily parts that it had.
Unfortunately, the old woman's condition took a dive and died that night. Neighbours were summoned to gather at the old man's place to assist with the funeral. Having so many people helping out, the old man must at least serve them some food. And there goes, my poor distant cousin, the Cow.
The rat, witnessing all that happened, could only shake its head and pondered aloud, "If any one of you would had just helped me removed that mousetrap, the four of us would still be happily playing mahjong together now....."
Disclaimer: All personnel and events mentioned above are strictly fictional. Any similarity to any person, whether dead or alive, are purely coincidential. No animals were harmed during the formation of this story.
The old couple only had 3 assets - a Cow, a pig and a hen. Unknown to them, there was actually another occupant in their humble little hut, a rat.
One fine morning, the rat was finally discovered by the old man. To capture the rat, the old man made a mousetrap himself and placed it on the kitchen floor, where the rat was most likely to appear.
Their actions were observed by the rat. Fearing for its own life, the rat went around begging for assistance to remove the mousetrap.
First, the rat went straight to the Cow. "Mr Cow, you are the biggest and strongest among us all. Please! Help me remove that mousetrap!" The Cow replied nonchalantly, "Little rat, that is YOUR trap and has nothing to do with me. Now, will you please go away while i continue manufacturing CowShlt Inc raw materials?"
Feeling disappointed, the rat scurried over to the pig. "Please, Mr pig. Your master laid a mousetrap in the kitchen. Please help me remove it!" The pig completely ignored the rat and continued its long afternoon nap.
Without any choice, the rat approached the hen with its crest fallen. "Ms Hen. I wonder if you will be kind enough to help me remove the mousetrap." The hen gave a chuckle and sneered, "My precious body is for laying the golden eggs. Not to remove mousetrap for you dirty little creature!!"
Unable to secure any help, the rat resigned its fate and hid into a corner.
Darkness fell. The old couple retreated to their bed. But just minutes after resting their eyes, they heard the mousetrap snapped. Believing that they caught the rat, the old woman proceeded to the kitchen to clear the mess.
Unaware to the old woman, the mousetrap actually caught the tail of a snake. When the old woman went into the kitchen in darkness, the wounded snake sprang its fangs and bit into the old woman's calf.
The old woman's wound got infected. She came down with a high fever the very next day. Without money to summon any doctor, the old man did what he thought was best. He slaughtered the hen to make Chicken Soup for the Wounded Soul.
However, things didn't seem to get any better. So the old man proceeded with Step 2 the next day. The pig had no choice but to donate its liver, spleen, bones, meat and whatever other bodily parts that it had.
Unfortunately, the old woman's condition took a dive and died that night. Neighbours were summoned to gather at the old man's place to assist with the funeral. Having so many people helping out, the old man must at least serve them some food. And there goes, my poor distant cousin, the Cow.
The rat, witnessing all that happened, could only shake its head and pondered aloud, "If any one of you would had just helped me removed that mousetrap, the four of us would still be happily playing mahjong together now....."
Disclaimer: All personnel and events mentioned above are strictly fictional. Any similarity to any person, whether dead or alive, are purely coincidential. No animals were harmed during the formation of this story.
CowSh|t Inc Fully Supports Andy Lau's Latest Album!
Internal Memo
All staffs of CowShlt Inc are strongly encouraged to purchase the latest album from our unofficial patron, Mr Andy Lau.
一只牛的异想世界
By listening to this album, you will therefore be able to learn from a real superstar on the ethics of being a cow. All staffs will recite the lyrics of 我是一只牛 as their daily pledge with immediate effect. The office PA system will also play this album non-stop, 24/7.
All staff who purchased the ORIGINAL copy of this album will be entitled to collect my signature on the album cover.
Best regards,
Gu Sai
CEO, CowShlt Inc
Monday, September 3, 2007
Sh|tty Joke
Child Fly: Mummy, i hate eating Shlt for every meal. It's so monotonous....
Mummy Fly: Don't talk about such filthy subject during meal time!! Come, faster finish your meal while it is still warm!
Mummy Fly: Don't talk about such filthy subject during meal time!! Come, faster finish your meal while it is still warm!
CowSh|t Q&A
Question: Why does the Cow cross the road?
Answer: Because the grass is greener on the other side.
Question: How many Cows does it take to change a lightbulb.
Answer: Unknown. The Cows only know how to cow-peh-cow-bu about the lack of lightings, but no concrete action is taken.
Question: What is the name of every Cow's favourite National Day song?
Answer: Cow On Me, Singapore.
Question: Why do people count sheeps instead of Cows to go to sleep.
Answer: Because they cannot find their Cowculators.
Question: What's the most common feeling when a new staff join CowShlt Inc.?
Answer: Cow-tural shock.
Answer: Because the grass is greener on the other side.
Question: How many Cows does it take to change a lightbulb.
Answer: Unknown. The Cows only know how to cow-peh-cow-bu about the lack of lightings, but no concrete action is taken.
Question: What is the name of every Cow's favourite National Day song?
Answer: Cow On Me, Singapore.
Question: Why do people count sheeps instead of Cows to go to sleep.
Answer: Because they cannot find their Cowculators.
Question: What's the most common feeling when a new staff join CowShlt Inc.?
Answer: Cow-tural shock.
CowSh|t Inc Recruitment Exercise!
Dear fellow colleagues,
The following positions are available at CowShlt Inc. Please do your best to introduce the best people to join this big family. Introducer of all successful candidate will get a year of unlimited supplies of CowShlt mechandise.
1. Global Sourcer / Buyer
To source and purchase the best CowShlt from all over the world. Get the chance to interact with the supreme CowShlt developers.
2. Quality Assurance
To check and ensure all CowShlt are in tiptop quality when leaving the factory. To validate that all CowShlt are in perfect colour, texture, moisture and smell. Taste testing is optional.
3. Creative Director
To design state-of-the-art CowShlt. Access to unlimited R&D CowShlt resources. To ensure innovation and maintain the company's market leadership in CowShlt distribution.
4. Facility Manager
To pick up whatever loose CowShlt that were left behind.
Interest parties, please call 1800-CowShlt immediately for an interview!
Best regards,
Gu Sai
CEO, CowShlt Inc.
The following positions are available at CowShlt Inc. Please do your best to introduce the best people to join this big family. Introducer of all successful candidate will get a year of unlimited supplies of CowShlt mechandise.
1. Global Sourcer / Buyer
To source and purchase the best CowShlt from all over the world. Get the chance to interact with the supreme CowShlt developers.
2. Quality Assurance
To check and ensure all CowShlt are in tiptop quality when leaving the factory. To validate that all CowShlt are in perfect colour, texture, moisture and smell. Taste testing is optional.
3. Creative Director
To design state-of-the-art CowShlt. Access to unlimited R&D CowShlt resources. To ensure innovation and maintain the company's market leadership in CowShlt distribution.
4. Facility Manager
To pick up whatever loose CowShlt that were left behind.
Interest parties, please call 1800-CowShlt immediately for an interview!
Best regards,
Gu Sai
CEO, CowShlt Inc.
Foreplay.... Erm, i mean, Forewords........
If what CowSh|t Inc said doesn't make any sense to you, it probably doesn't have any.
Why? Not happy huh??!!
Why? Not happy huh??!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
